Tiptoe Through the Woods

healing, change, love and life.

2011-05-03T08:41:00.000-07:00

For ten years I tried. I tried to be a good wife, a perfect mother, and live according to what I thought was right.
I left the life I knew. I stepped outside of my comfort zone and decided to live my life, really LIVE it.
I had never loved the sweet man I was married to. We married for all the wrong reasons...he was truly an amazing man, honest, compassionate, loving...but he was not for me.

I suffered depression. I felt rage. I feared for my children. I denied my own heart. I felt no passionate love for ten years.

I've been living on my own, as has he.... sharing, loving, caring for our kiddos, together yet separately.

Life has been beautiful these last several months. Living in the moment, living for what I believe in, loving and being loved, being mindful of every moment, every choice, every action and reaction...

I don't know what the future will bring. I would not want to know....for part of the beauty of this new life is the excitement for and fear of what is to come.

New friends have come along, friends who choose to be around me for love, for passion, for a hunger for knowledge and for living, for similar tastes and like mindedness...

Yes my heart is so full I can hardly contain myself. Challenges still come, but I work my way through them with as much grace and patience as I can.

We have moved home...to my hometown. Everywhere I look, I feel so in love. Is it possible to be in love with the sky, the hills, the gurgling mountain creeks, the roads so often traveled, the familiar faces from my childhood?
As I sit on the swing in front of the elementary school that I attended, waiting for my kiddos, I feel content...I am where I belong, as are they. As I drive the old country roads I walked as a child I feel young again. Alive.
The scent of honeysuckle and briar rose take me back to when I was a tiny girl, hunting for pheasant eggs and splashing in the shallow river, belting out songs to the sky and the birds and the trees, to the amazing world that surrounded me.

I grew up on a ranch. The dirt roads and hidden creeks were mine and mine alone to explore.
I remember a couple who would come and take me swimming. I might have been seven years old. They would take me to the creek and snuggle me down with a blanket in the sunshine, then they threw off their clothes and ran, laughed, danced through the water with wild abandon. They were ALIVE.

I have gone through years of not understanding my childhood...thinking that it was wrong...not as it should have been. I recently came to realize that normal doesn't exist. Everything is what it is. Life. I blamed my mother for her failed marriages and boyfriends that breezed into our life and just as quickly blew away in a whirlwind of emotions.
That was passion. It took me thirty some years to understand it for what it was. I love my mother with all of my heart. When I thought she didn't love me, she was actually trying to feel love herself...be loved and give love and I just was. I was hers and I was constant and she loved me and should not have had to confirm this to me, but as I grew in this fucked up society my perception was off and oh so wrong. My logic was illogical irrational... :) I giggle about it now.

My childhood was bliss. I was free and loved by many. Days were spent always outdoors, sunshine burning my delicate nose, blessing me with these freckles I struggle to embrace. My hair was blonde and my skin was golden. I'm grinning in all of the photos...sheer joy on my face as we were on one adventure or another...gardening, fishing, baking, camping, canning, picking huckleberries, floating the river, boating at black canon, walking through the marijuana plants that seemed miles high above my head, climbing the hills, picnics, singing and dancing, flying kites, always with loved ones, always laughing, always feeling wrapped in the arms of a powerful love.

There seemed to be musicians always in our life. My father sang like an angel and played the guitar. I saw him a few times when I was little...never knowing him for his faults, just seeing who I dreamt him to be. Her boyfriends played this and that...some sang. They always shared that joy with me...the passion for life. I felt it.

One day she married a different kind of man. There was no more freedom. I stopped living.

I'm over it and I recognize it for what it is. I can't go back and change the past but I can change my life right now.
She married that man in the same way I married my husband. What was right, the best thing...yet it wasn't, not really.
When I met my husband my son was going through chemotherapy. I thought I had nothing to offer a child. I had no riches, no fancy house, no expensive car. I couldn't shop at Hollister and buy them all the latest technical gadgets...I was so confused. I thought life was about all of those things...
In the years of living that life I died again and again. I was sick and developed illnesses, had a nervous breakdown, lost my tan and my smile, nearly lost my mind and my life.
One morning I woke up and knew I had to leave. If I didn't leave I would die.

Long ago my mother left that man and went back to her life of adventure, of laughter, of love.
Now I've done the same.
She made me breakfast yesterday as I poured out my heart and latest woes. My little boy and I basked in her love. We walked through her simple garden and listened to her ramble about plants and weather. I felt such an overwhelming love for her.
She is me and I am her, yet we aren't.

We went to the hills last week to hunt cress...found some flourishing in a small trickling spring. She shares my love of wildcrafting, foraging, nature, and simplicity or I hers....because after all she did create me.

I'm thrilled to be alive right now. Each morning I wake with such a passion for this life. I am so blessed to be gifted with each new day. I will never go back to the death I was living. I'm alive. Oh I am so very ALIVE.

I've rented a small ten acre farm in my hometown. We will be raising goats and chickens, our two Pyrenees pups are growing fast and they will be our graceful guardians. I've been taking a sewing break, but it will come back in the winter. I'm more into herbs than ever....I "live" to grow things, to nourish, to nurture.
The garden will be beautiful this summer. I plan to surround our fire pit with friends, smiles and music. I will allow my kids to run,giggle, scream, cry, vent, be naked, pee on trees(he loves it, lol), learn from their mistakes, and simply live.
I see bits of me in them. I plan to encourage those qualities. They accept me for who I am and they only wish to see me happy.
Well kids, I am. I am so very content.

I hope that they will always remember this lesson that I have shared with them about my childhood and my mother.

On a side note.....

I'm absolutely hopelessly madly in love. I don't know that it will last forever, but it's right now and I'm going to flow with it.
He fills me up. There is an ease that I have never known. We wake wrapped around one another and overwhelmingly in love. I couldn't ask for more. All I can do is allow it to grow and give my whole heart.
I'm still struggling to accept this body of mine that has birthed five children and daily I still have to push down insecurity and fear of what will be, but I'm strong and I will persevere. Life is worth it. Love is worth it.

blessings....

Still breathing

2010-11-07T22:01:00.000-08:00

Alive and well :)

I've taken the summer off to be present in the moment.
Here I am, refreshed and hopeful for a new year.

I understand this one is not yet over, but oh what a horrid year and I'm ready to proclaim it's end.

All is well on the home front.

I'm letting go of many material possessions and I've come to understand my own way of thinking.

It has been a rough year with change, loss, pain, yet also one of healing, growth, and understanding.
I've come to the conclusion that I'm been fighting a losing battle with an image. I've been trying all of these years to "find" myself. Who am I aside from mom?

I must say it was very much a classic "lightbulb" moment when I realized that I needn't be anything other than who I am.
This very moment... I'm mom. I'm pretty good at it too.

Now bring on the rain!!!!

2010-07-31T19:45:00.000-07:00

We enjoyed a peaceful weekend on the Oregon coast.
Our days have been spent working in our garden, swimming in the river, or lounging outdoors under the sunshine. what an amazing summer thus far.
Living in the Pacific Northwest....we know it will be over too soon.
We're soaking it up while we can.

today

2010-06-30T14:32:00.000-07:00

The sun is shining and I'm thankful for the love I have been given and the love I am able to give :)
Missing an old friend today. He and I shared a love of jack johnson. His little girl and I....we will never forget what a wise man he was and what he taught us.
He always told me not to worry about the little things....not to argue over which bread to buy and such....well these days I make all our own so no conflict there.... :p

Living for today...in the moment

Mindfulness

2010-06-29T22:59:00.000-07:00

Where have I been? :)
As you might know the rain finally let up and it has been sunshiny all the day long.
We have been spending our days in the garden, grass or lazily swinging in the warmth.
The days have been noisy and busy, but I can't complain.
My truck has even been in the shop for days(far too many if you ask my pocket book) and I've barely noticed.
Soccer camp took up much of last week, but this week has been slow living.

This book has really changed my way of thinking. I've been reading it for a month on and off and now I can't get enough. The author is Sarah Napthali. I have other books of hers as well.

Here is a small bit that really touched my heart.

"For mothers, desires abound. We desire that our children be happy, smart, popular, and beautiful. We want our partners to appreciate us, to do their share around the house and to live up to our expectations as fathers. We want our lives to be sometimes stimulating, sometimes relaxing. At times we want friends to clamor around us and at other times to leave us alone.

The flipside of attachment is aversion, a strong desire for our lives to be other than they are. Our aversions, too, can be numerous. We often find ourselves wishing the present moment to be other than it is. We resent the tantrums, the whining, the nagging. We begrudge our partners working long hours away from home. We rail against the insensitivity of our friends or relations.

From our own experience we know that when these desires and aversions become too intense, they undermine our ability to be calm and content. Although we know on a rational level that perfection cannot exist and that we will never satisfy all these desires, we continue to behave as though it is possible."

These desires are not sins. They are perfectly natural, but we are challenged to study these desires. What happens when we satisfy them? Do we live happily ever after? What happens when we don't satisfy our desires? How do desires make us feel? Are we ever free of them in any moment and how might this feel?

The answers to such questions are clear to us all, yet we continue to live as though happiness is a simple matter of fulfilling our current desires.
Once the mind understands how clinging leads to suffering and unease, it will naturally avoid it.

"Wanting to grasp the ungraspable,
You exhaust yourself in vain"

"Finding happiness is not about attaining what you believe you want and ridding your life of annoyances. Rather, it is about fostering enough inner peace that external conditions no longer matter.

The author made me think. I literally stopped my thought process(which tends to be monkey mind) and considered what she was saying. When I began to question if this meant I shouldn't have hopes and dreams I realized that I was overthinking :)
One of my favorite things about this book is how deeply I identify with much of what she is saying as a mother. We are all so much more alike than we realize and struggling with similar situations.

With the kiddos home it seems the house is in an uproar. I found myself short on patience and hubby was feeling the same....and lets not tell him but he was frustrating me with his lack of patience with the kids.

I joined in the Mindful Mothering workshop over at Threading Light.
The messages were truly inspiring and often left me in tears, not tears of sadness...but something more, some sort of understanding and relief.

My daughter describes me as somewhat gentle and soft. When speaking of another woman the other day she said "so much like you..only more rough"
I have always struggled with kindness. It seems too difficult to be anything but. At times this has gotten me nowhere and often my children have questioned why I did not return anger or act as others sometimes do toward me.
I don't know why I am this way, but I do love me as I am.
This helped when participating in the workshop. I was able to stop and think more clearly...to see my children in the light I have always longed to. I learned ways to turn a potentially unhealthy situation into one of understanding and compromise, a situation where we all win and all feel loved.

I've also learned to stop and breathe. Now I mean this literally.
I've said it a million times and even had plans to have breathe tattooed on my wrist..but I literally stopped and closed my eyes and took a deep cleansing breath, placing myself in the moment of here and now, continuing to breathe until I felt calm and clear minded. Wow. What a shock when it worked. :) I'm sometimes(too often) a glass half empty kind of girl.
I'm still working on using positive statements and if you were walking by our home you might just(for sure would) hear me yelling at one child or another to do this or that or to stop doing this or that....but I am getting there with
turning a statement that goes like "Why didn't you bring your laundry down like I asked you 6539820 times...?" into "If you bring your laundry down we can get to the turtle pond that much quicker and might even have time to stop for a smoothie on the way" :)

SO that's where I have been. A bit inside of myself these last days and happily so.
I read a fabulous gardening book by Steve Solomon and in it he said something that really tickled me and made me say to myself "hey that's how I feel"
It was something like this...
"I like my own company better than most other people's; usually I'd rather meet the authors of fiction through reading their novels than visit with the neighbors or friends. I don't enjoy tricky games, subtle dishonesty, office politics, or using people as though they were production units."

~don't quite agree with the neighbors and friends part, but the rest is right on.

Aside from all this overthinking and house craziness I have been baking up a storm....and taking long walks.....

We are indeed blessed.

{This Moment}

2010-06-11T16:36:00.000-07:00

{this moment} A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savour and remember.

A summer day, finally

2010-06-07T21:47:00.000-07:00

“To sit in the shade on a fine day and look upon verdure is the most perfect refreshment.”

~Jane Austen

Tonight I'm dirty, sunburned, exhausted and so thankful to be so.

Summer must be here somewhere

2010-06-07T01:44:00.000-07:00

Our evening was spent together....the girl and I.
She sat beside me and together we pushed beans and peas into the moist earth. This is our second planting....little sprouts of the same already poking their heads through...saying hello and reaching toward the warm sunshine.

We fed night crawlers to the girls and stood in awe with our necks bent and faces toward the sky as we watched our friendly neighborhood bat twist, dive and swoop as it fed on flying buzzing insects. We spoke of the misunderstood reputation and overlooked beauty of the bat. Graceful as can be.

On the swing with my arm around her shoulder and my cheek on her hair...I inhaled and captured that moment forever in this mommy's mind. The scent of her, the innocence, her willingness to sit with me and listen as well as speak, inquire....not thinking she already knows it all, so curious and optimistic.

With these little ones I still hold out hope...but the teens....my teens...I feel I've lost them. Little adults.

but before this,

Rain. That's what I have seen, heard, felt, heard about, spoken of, and grumbled toward for months...what seems like years. Again and again I ask the sky..."isn't that enough? I think we are safe from drought this year." Then I realize I'm being somewhat ignorant and tell myself to appreciate what is. The same as I tell my children about others...accept them for who they are or move on.

The past several months have been garden related in one way or another. Catalog browsing, garden planning/drawing, soil preparation, seedlings,trips to territorial with my bestest friend/sister lady. (shh don't tell, but I go to territorial about twice a week, we're tight)

I planted a ridiculous amount of seeds. I said I wasn't going to again this year, but I did. It's an illness, lol.
Would you believe I planted over 30 tomatoes :(
cherokee purple, japanese trifele(my fave), chocolate cherry(yum), yellow pear, pineapple, black prince, black cherry, sweetie cherry, mortgage lifter, golden treasure, black, new hampshire, sun gold, and probably more that I can't recall right this moment.

Over the last week I have been finishing everything up, putting the last plants(seedlings are growing up and leaving the nest) in the ground. Then disaster struck. A tree fell from the neighbors property. Luckily no one was hurt. It was a mere five feet from my chicken coop, with the girls(hens) inside. There are two trees grown together. It covers half of my 60x40 ft garden, the rest of the tree remains on his property. It sits there still...after nearly a week. I won't even get into why, but will say that we would take responsibility were it our tree on someone elses garden, a garden that feeds five children no less.
There seems to be a squirrel who is somewhat confused. He comes out from under the tree and comes almost right up to us. He accepts treats. I warn the kids not to touch...just in case.

I've built three trellises. Two with jute for the peas and one with fencing panels for the beans. Both climbing and bush varieties of peas and beans are already sprouting. Thank you endless rain.

I've been out of sorts lately. Feeling a bit toxic and thinking about my options.
Needing to get back into a routine with my herbal infusions and eating healthy.
I find myself with an addiction to sweet coffee drinks. Who would have thought.
There was a time when I didn't touch such things, no candy or sweets, no soda...etc...but lately I seem to be controlled by such nonsense. I haven't had a soda in about four years(I think), and won't, but the coffee...it has it's claws in me. Anyhow......lol.

This overwhelming urge to sew has been pestering me....but all sewing machines and fabrics are still packed, untouched for months.
Some lovely items have found their way into my home from the thrift lately.
I have this terrible weakness for vintage wood dining chairs. If you saw my garage you might faint....that or roll your eyes way back...maybe call an intervention :)
You see I have plans for them all....colors...chair pads sewn by me..where they will be placed....some in the yard under trees in the grass with tables covered in linens...with snacks and tall glasses of iced tea filled with borage ice cubes...

The slugs will be drinking in style from the sweet little china bowls I picked up from goodwill. My kiddos are appalled that I am actually going to buy beer!! from the store!! where people can see me and everything, ha! ha!

We would really love to see something like this around here.
oops it's 2 am. this also explains the dark circles under my eyes. can't sleep.

also addicted to photoshop and lightroom editing. Still trying to figure it all out.

"About the house" update....we withdrew our offer. The seller was dishonest about the removal of the asbestos. It tested positive and in the end we found out it was never removed at all. We started to feel a bit ill about the whole situation and thought it was not meant to be. I only hope that the other family trying to purchase it knows the truth.

to be continued~ and soon I'm going to share our favorite recipes for sweet whole wheat bread and iced basil lemonade :)

Seeing green

2010-05-07T15:19:00.001-07:00

Isn't it funny when you figure out at 35 that you have just become a grown up?
I'm loving the older more understanding and accepting me and my family and the saturation of the colors outside and thoughts that are all new to me.
I didn't know that you never stop being amazed by what you thought you always knew, but learn more about as you get older......and when it hits that you are still learning....am I making sense? Probably not, but I am so thrilled to be alive and at this stage in my life.

We have been spending all our time outside. I'm seeing green......and pink
(those bubblegum dogwoods take my breath away), and white, and purple, and blue, and yellow and orange.......

Oatstraw infusion. I don't like it so much. I do drink my nettles 24-7

Messenger

2010-04-03T23:20:00.001-07:00

My work is loving the world.
Here the sunflowers, there the hummingbird —
equal seekers of sweetness.
Here the quickening yeast; there the blue plums.
Here the clam deep in the speckled sand.

Are my boots old? Is my coat torn?
Am I no longer young, and still not half-perfect? Let me
keep my mind on what matters,
which is my work,

which is mostly standing still and learning to be
astonished.
The phoebe, the delphinium.
The sheep in the pasture, and the pasture.
Which is mostly rejoicing, since all ingredients are here,

which is gratitude, to be given a mind and a heart
and these body-clothes,
a mouth with which to give shouts of joy
to the moth and the wren, to the sleepy dug-up clam,
telling them all, over and over, how it is
that we live forever.

~Mary Oliver~

dream homes

2010-04-02T23:52:00.001-07:00

I will get better photos when the sun is shining and my girls aren't hiding inside.
It's been nearly two weeks. They've stopped laying.
I shall be patient. They were free range and had a coop of mansion proportions.
Now I must remember to move them around as much as possible so they have variety in bugs and greens. This was supposed to be a chicken tractor.
If it were about 250 lbs less I would call it such. Heheh.
We've had rain, rain and more rain. Oh and I don't let me forget to mention the rain.
At this rate, my veggies had better be 50 feet tall :)

My seedlings are growing like weeds (which some are haha)
If only I could unearth my sewing machines from the mountain of bins that came from my sewing room. No sewing room here, just a laundry room with a table.
I don't mind.

Here's a secret. The home we loved and wanted so badly.... It just came back on the market. "A personal issue" we were told as it's only been sold for a few months.
We toured it again with an agent and I helplessly find myself more in love with it than I was before.

It's walls were stripped down to the original paper and floors. Some floors were removed and many "upgrades" were torn out.
I believe the new owner had the same visions as I.
He removed all the same things I would have.
On the back door is an old bell.
Were it possible to fall in love with a home for the door ringer alone, I would surely have done so. This home as it did before, calls out to me.
It caresses my fingertips as I run my hand across the wall, cushions my feet as I gently tiptoe across the timeworn hardwood floors, whispers my name in a "whoosh" as I open yet another door.

As I stand and gaze from the window I feel as if I'd been there before, looking out the window in another time. The flow seems familiar as though I'd roamed the halls a hundred times before in the near darkness of dusk.

I seem to recall the light of dawn in the sunroom and I swear I can smell grass moist with dew.

Stepping down into the basement, in my minds eye I see rows of canned goods, shelves of vegetables and fruits, baskets hanging on the walls, tools, old furniture and oddly a wedding dress tattered and torn, tossed over an old chair as if it were held and examined again and again.
Focusing now on the chair, into my view comes a shapely arm and two curvy legs, a worn seat with tufts of horsehair falling from the side, a spring having worked it's way through the faded fabric, dusty pink, perhaps brilliant red at one time.

I hear children laughing and realize they are my own. They've found joy in the stairs. The stairs come down into the parlour as well as near the kitchen. You have a choice of where you want to end up. The house is three stories, four if you want to count the basement. There are nooks, crannies and built ins, hiding places in every room. It seems enchanted.

The living room is enormous with a fireplace and original carved mantel.
Our master bedroom above mirrors the living room.
There is a small butler pantry in the dining room and a small office near the study/library.

I won't continue to bore you with the details, unless of course by some miracle we are blessed with the home. Then you may here endless stories of house love.
It's a good day.

Hello Spring...love of my life

2010-03-07T17:45:00.000-08:00

Is it spring yet? Perhaps not, but the trees and flowers tell me it is.
I'm with them. I use to say that fall was my favorite season. Well since moving to the Pacific Northwest...I take it back. Winters here are dreadful. Anything leading up to winter just reminds me of winter, LOL.
So spring and summer I adore you, please stay forever. Spring summer and repeat....
I know winter is the period of rest and renewal for plants, but I can wish.

Today was spent lovingly building herb/planter boxes and putting up a fence.
Our new place sits beside a river. The fence is for the safety of my kiddos, mostly the adventurous little man. I will have many herbs as I usually do, but this time they will be steps from the kitchen and slug/snail free(I'm hoping).
I will also separate the medicinals from the rest. My kiddos enjoy picking their own herbs and tossing them into whatever it may be at the moment from basil on bread to mint in teas.....therefore I'd like to have one that is off limits so they don't ingest something by mistake, not that I have anything that would harm them (I'm far to careful for that), but just in case.

I'm enjoying the feeling of working with my hands. The scent of the cedar combined with the scent of the moist cool earth has been an amazing way to welcome spring.
The dirt here is truly wonderful, so dark and rich, so much so that it reminds me of chocolate fudge cake. The wigglers poking their parts out here and there take away all temptation to eat it, lol, but I have been holding some up to my nose and inhaling, taking great pleasure in doing so.

It's been a long time since I've found a moment to kneel upon the grass and peer down into the "goings ons" of the earth.
My best friend and I use lay in the clover when we were girls. While the other kids were playing on the playground equipment, she and I were laying on our tummies at the edge of the playground. It was near a farmers field right next to a narrow ditch. I recall the sound of the trickle of the water and the grass waving as the water passed over it.
We were poking around in the clover and making discoveries such as blossoms, tiny clumps of earth, roly polys, inchworms, ants and sucking on the end of a blade of grass to compare the sweetness. Oh those were the days...................

The boxes will be around the edges of the deck. There is no railing so this really helps to keep the kids from jumping off. It's a bit of a drop and I'd rather them not break a limb.

I have not seen my camera in ages. It once went everywhere I did. As of late I feel a bit more freedom and spend less time focused on the kids or what I can photograph.
I'm trying to live for myself as well as raise them. I'm remembering my goals and hopes, wishes, dreams ;)

Life has truly been wonderful this last month. I've been more busy that I've been in ages, but it's been nice. The hustle and bustle I so enjoy.
We've been gone from the woods for one week. I miss it, yet I feel so ready for this change. Regardless of where we live in this area...we are in the woods, but now it won't be quite so literal.

We will keep a handful of our hens, but the roosters will need homes as they aren't allowed in town. Our bunny was set free ages ago and I have never seen a more content fellow. The neighbor told us that he visits them often. He looks very healthy and seems to grin. I didn't have the heart to put him back in the hutch and force him to live a life in town.
I will post photos of all the things we have been working on as soon as I unearth my nikon. I purchased a point and shoot a few weeks ago so I could slip it into my pocket....maybe I can snap a few with it tomorrow.

My sewing machines are all packed. We are lucky enough to have a very large laundry room. I was able to put a good size table in there for all of my machines.
The fabric is piled sky high in bins.....lol...shame on me for all of that fabric.

We are happy and I do believe things are falling into place as they were meant to be.
I'm seeing much more of friends and I'm also able to feel more comfortable alone outdoors. The kids can't roam as far away from me. We have a large enough yard for a huge garden and room to play. I'm so excited.

I will admit that after hauling bricks today I was tired and my heart was racing....I sat down on a lounge chair and leaned back. I looked up to the sky and my breath caught in my throat. It is just as beautiful as it was at our old home. Did I expect it to be any different? I must have, but happily it was blue and gorgeous and there was more of it to enjoy as the trees aren't as dense in town. We are still surrounded by berries, which pleases the kids to no end.

This house is old. I believe it was built around 1910 or so.
It needs a whole lot of work, and since we don't own it (yet), I don't plan to make many improvements inside, but outside I will work night and day, happily....humming to myself and being thankful for all I have been blessed with.

A pleasant discovery was made today. When I am running the drill or the saw is squealing, I hear no children fighting or complaining. They were trying so hard and I saw their mouths moving, but heard only the peaceful whine of power tools....I thought I was in heaven. ROFLMAO....heehee. It was only for a moment. A moment sent as a gift from heaven in exchange for all of my stress filled days, HAHA!

A New Beginning

2010-02-09T20:10:00.000-08:00

Lets get to the facts.
A young man who was quite close to a certain member of my family came out to our place and ended his life.
My husband found the young man as he came home from work.
Not one member of my family escaped the hurt and confusion.
It's been traumatic to say the least.
I cried myself to sleep for over a week. I sat with my child as she cried and asked me why. A question which I could never answer.
I walked into the woods screamed, cried, raised my face to the sky as it rained and asked the same questions myself....why?

Almost a month has passed now and life is just getting back to normal...."normal" as if there is such a thing.
My teenage daughter is now homeschooled.
We are leaving this place to move into a house in town.
I will say goodbye to my chickens and to this way of life.
However....I can garden anywhere.

Our new home is on the river and as I sit on the deck I can close my eyes and fall into a peaceful state of relaxation as the water finds a rhythm and my worries are forgotten for the moment.
I'm closer to the thrift stores.
My best friend lives only blocks away.
We can travel to the park, store, school,bowling alley etc...all within minutes and even on our bikes.
And finally.....we can get a FREE library card :)

oh.....and perhaps now I can step outside without thinking a cougar is peering at me through the trees just waiting to pounce and eat me for breakfast.

Yes indeed I am excited for this new life.

Crying

2010-01-22T22:08:00.000-08:00

Thank you to all of our friends who have left comments and emailed.

To clarify, the loss was not one of my children.

I'd like to share the story, but as I've been crying off and on all day, today will not be the day.
We are healing and getting back into the swing of everyday life. It seems almost surreal and I'm still stuck on "why" yet I know that I cannot stop living.

Last thursday was my "me" day. It was a girls day out shopping, exploring and welcoming a new life in a new place.
We were sitting in a cafe and watching the news about Haiti. Numbness is what I felt then.....I thought what can I do? There is a tendency in me to distance myself from pain.....my companion and I, we spoke of those who carry the weight of the world on their shoulders.

that night turned out to be one of the worst in my life.

I've cried for one week. I've cried, screamed, slept, begged, prayed, laughed, lost my breath, hugged my children tighter than ever, pushed them away like never before, threatened to walk away from my life and finally opened my heart to all the pain in the world and let all the hurt, anger, confusion and frustration pour out.

I cry. That's my new hobby. But you know what? It helps.

This blog has never become as it was intended.
It seems more of a diary of sorts and list of to do...it was the ear of a friend, a shoulder to cry on....the place to laugh and share about my family.

not sure if I will be back or begin fresh with another blog....sticking to some rules about over sharing :) just don't know right now

I want to give and that isn't what I've been doing. I surely don't want to give sadness.

2010 was supposed to be my fresh start :)
I'm a believer in things happening for a reasona and that there is already a plan....I'm just trying to stay on the right path....

Tragedy

2010-01-16T08:59:00.000-08:00

Our lives have been touched by tragedy. Suicide.
I've yet to understand or get past the question Why?
As for me right now I'm dealing with it in my own way, we all have our own way with grief.

Looking Forward to 2010

2009-12-31T21:51:00.000-08:00

So many things are on my list of goals for 2010.
It's truly been a rough year and I for one am glad it's behind us.
I've learned much.

The coming year I will welcome with an open mind and forgiving heart.
There are cob structures to be made, hoop houses to be built, walls to be painted, paths to be found, fears to conquer, friends to love, fancy chicken houses to be erected, treehouses to be repaired, pigs to raise, harvests to share,celebrations to enjoy, chickens to tame, doggies to train, children to love and teach, classes to attend, plants to grow, earth to dig, trees to trim, camping to do, friendships to strengthen, oneself to be found and embraced,laughter to be shared, sewing to be done for the family, farmers markets to frequent, and on and on.......

Yes I have high hopes for 2010.
If perhaps I'm able to live just a bit off the grid, then I will have accomplished one important goal :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!

Living and remembering a gypsy life

2009-12-29T00:49:00.000-08:00

It's been quiet here, I know.
So much has been happening around me. It's seems as if lately life has been a flurry of activity.
Not good, not necessarily bad.
A birthday came and went.
I've always been an overthinker. I analyze and stress over whatever it may be at the moment. I'm trying to make major life changes.
Therefore.....I've been doing just that....doing.
Rather than thinking and researching, reading and concentrating, I just threw caution to the wind and I've been doing.

We've been spending more quality time as a family.
I'm considering school and I'm making changes within myself.

Here are the things I do know.
I want to farm. Growing things brings me the greatest joy.
Consumer is not what I want to be known as when I die.
Photography makes me happy.
Sewing gives me satisfaction.
My family is the light of my life.

I've been reading the books of Juliette de Bairacli Levy.
She seems to me to be an old friend.

There was once a time in my life when my friends and family would not have recognized me. There was a life I used to know that seems to never have been at all.
I lived on the banks of the columbia river. No house, no electricity, no running water. It was a primitive life. Aside from the time spent with my children, it was the happiest time of my life :)
A blogpost on that life will soon follow. I need to listen to my heart for a bit and remember things exactly as they were.

Tea and Change

2009-12-07T19:25:00.000-08:00

Today was an amazing day. It was calm and productive.
I awoke to frost and rushed out to break ice for the animals and make sure everyone was safe.
Sadly I found that my favorite hen had been abducted by raccoons.

Walking into a pen of feathers is indeed sad.
She was missed during head count :(
I gathered up all the hoses and what not from the garden. It was put off day after day.
This is the reason I want to move to town. Less on my own shoulders.
Perhaps when the kids marry and have children of their own, I can live this lifestyle again :)

My son helped me to unwind soakers and lay them to thaw in the sun.
We cozied the bunny up in an empty chicken coop with water and food and lots of bedding. He was truly grinning at me when I left him.

The mint was still standing, only partially covered in frost. I brought a bit in(what I hadn't already harvested) and made mint tea. My son had been craving it and he was such a help this morning.

I sliced most of my ginger and put it in the dehydrator. The house smelled lovely of mint and ginger.

DO you recall I grew my own ginger this summer.
Put a root(or many) in some nice warm soil in a sunny loacation and it will thrive.
You can grow it indoors during the winter.
We always have ginger on hand. I keep it in the freezer and grate it over many a meal...a favorite being chicken and rice with garlic....mmmmmmmm.

I dry it for tea.
Tea is my new hobby. I've loved tea since I was girl. Back then it was Earl Grey and Constant Comment.

I grow my own herbs for tea and stevia for sweetening.

If I had the time and money for bees I'd have my own honey. For now I buy local raw :)

The kids and I cut snowflakes and painted Christmas scenes. We made long garlands and put them up in archways. I'm thinking perhaps tomorrow we will string popcorn.

Christmas has always been special to me.
I was born on Christmas eve.
My step-grandmother use to tell me how naughty I was to have been born when she was up to her elbows in pie dough. She always made divinity and many other goodies. She was a crochet-sewing-knitting-machine :)
I was not a bit interested when she wanted to teach me.
As I learned to crochet a chain I was B-O-R-E-D *yawn*
Funny...now I do all of those hobbies with great joy.

The special time was spent more with my grandpa. He was my friend.
He taught me to garden and to cook some things and he always, always had time for me.
Every birthday is was a cherry chip cake for me. My favorite.
I'm allergic to strawberries or it might have been that....pink you know..and little girls.........

When I think about my grandpa I miss him so much. All these memories threaten to carry me away. It saddens me greatly to know that my kids don't have what I had.
We don't have relatives to go be with during holidays. There are no invites, there are no family get togethers. No crafty grandmas are to be found. No grandpas to sit with you in the grass under the apple tree and eat carrots fresh from the earth.
If I could go the market and purchase for my children a loving family I would indeed do so. I would do it right this very minute.

I love this life....but I long for so much more. I know that's wrong of me.
I long to give my kids summers away at a cabin on a lake and winters skiing and holidays full of laughter and hugs....weekends of aunts and uncles and teasing, mischievous cousins who love you half of the time and are mad the rest, lol.
Perhaps I'm selfish in much of these longings.
I'd like a family of my own.
A father, a mother, siblings.
My father is a man who has absolutely no contact with me or my children and never will, thankfully.
My mother struggles with her own demons, having never let me in and probably never will. She lives her life happily in her own little world of friends and a particular lifestyle. She will never know me. She will more than likely never acknowledge what a horrible childhood I had, yet I do know it might have been worse....it might have been much much worse. Not that it matters. I love and respect her for what she has given me.....the greatest gift of all. Life.
I have no siblings. Once upon a time I had a brother and a sister. I don't know where in the world they ended up....if they are alive.
My father lost them when they were small. I shall never know.

I know. Shoulda, woulda, coulda.........it just isn't.

I'm needing Change. I'm feeling trapped and a bit lost. A bit lonely.
I am so very blessed. I know this. Never do I doubt it.

There are moments when waves of happines wash over me and I can't believe how blessed I am. I appreciate every second of my life.
I want to make it a purposeful one.
I say I too much.

My swap pillow arrived. I simply adore it.

She didn't even know I purchased these fabrics to make a quilt.

Sent mine out as well and hope my partners enjoys it.

I'm feeling this overwhelming urge to run through my house tossing everything in sight into a waste bag and giving it a toss right out my door.
My life feels cluttered. When I walk in the door of my home I feel immediate stress.
Yes I do realize that being a mother of five is stressful in itself, but there is no peace here in my home. There is no zen....if you will :)
I look around and see so much unnecessary clutter, junk, stuff.

Do we "need" it? Do we "need" even a little of it? Do we "need" any of it?
I'm ready. I'm ready to donate and recycle.

I was just telling the kids tonight,(as I moved the pile of twenty or so dirty towels to the wash)...do we really need twenty towels....?
Then I washed about a hundred and two socks :( Seriously.
The blankets I understand. They make sense.
Here's how it goes in my house.
Most mornings not a single comb can be found,not a matching pair of socks,not a glove or snow boot. Yet, yet....we have a zillion of all of these things.
Do we have too much? Do I give them too much? Is the reason they are not resposible with "things" because they have too many "things".
I'm very tired and stressed and tired ;) Happy and excited for the holidays....but tired.
When I go to plug in my phone, my charger is missing, to brush my hair, my brush has gone into hiding,to charge my laptop, the cord is nowhere to be found....this is how it goes....daily.

It's to the point where respect is missing as well. Manners are a thing of the past. Kindness is forgotten. I'm the maid/chef/teacher/warden/farm hand/etc...lady that no one pays a bit of attention to unless something is needed.

Most of this I can handle. I'm a mom (SUPERWOMAN)
What I can't handle is the disrepect toward me and what matters to me.
The compost is not for grease and hamburger and melted crayons.
The recycling needs to be separated.
I want paper bags and no just this one time plastic will not do.
No I don't want that brand of dish soap.
Yes I care about organic or not.
Yes you will pick up that gum you just threw on the ground( I have stepped in gum about umpteen times and everytime I get more frustrated)
No I don't want you to watch that program.
No it is not ok to do that and this and that and that other thing.

Dammit. How do I help them all to care. How do I get my point across that this is important to me. There is one thing I really want my family to learn.
I say family because as much as I love my hubby he is no different than the kiddos.
He's a tv vegging, twinkie eating(I guess he hasn't had twinkies in a while, he claims), plastic bag getting, non recycling, sock losing man.

That one thing is conscientiousness.

I'm going to make some big purchases soon.
The whole house thing is still up in the air. I'm considering building. If we can afford it..if...........if.....crossing my fingers and wishing on a star.

I'm going to help myself along in this endevor, even if it is alone.
My list goes something like this...give or take some things

Country Living Grain mill.
Juicer.
Food dehydrator

where is that list??? I will find it.

Aside from the fact that I want to purge purge purge..I do want some"thing".
Dear Santa...I have always had goodwill mismatchy plates and oh how I adore them....but please will you bring me just one Chirp plate.
I promise to take good care of it and keep it safe and hug it and kiss it and tell it bed time stories......

It has been so foggy and cold as of late.

Please pardon any and all PMS that may have come through in this post ;)

Eventually I will learn how to make the photos bigger....for now please click to enlarge :) night night or...... morning....or happy mid-day to you, lol.

My Symphony

2009-12-02T22:58:00.000-08:00

to live content with small means
to seek elegance rather than luxury
and refinement rather than fashion
to be wealthy not rich
to listen to stars and birds
babes and sages with open heart
to study hard
to think quietly
act frankly
talk gently
await occasions, hurry never
in a word to let the spiritual
unbidden and unconscious
grow up through the common
this is my symphony

- william henry channing

To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury, and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable, and wealthy, not, rich; to listen to stars and birds, babes and sages, with open heart; to study hard; to think quietly, act frankly, talk gently, await occasions, hurry never; in a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious, grow up through the common--this is my symphony.

good enough to read twice :)

Following my heart

2009-12-02T10:19:00.001-08:00

That is what I'm trying to do. I'm listening to that tiny little voice inside of me and trying to figure out what to do.
I live in the woods. I see trees, trees and more lovely trees.
I'm lonely and feel isolated, yet............yet I love it here.
My organic garden is just big enough that I can get lost in it, we enjoy walks up to the stream through the trees, my children can run free finding salamanders, treasures from the earth and of course there are trees that need to be climbed.
This morning as I was placing my dried herbs into jars I felt overwhelming satisfaction. I make my own teas, grow my own food, enjoy eggs from our chickens, and truly I see the the forest with a childlike wonder, but it's difficult and heartbreaking while at the same time heavenly. I'm torn.
My childhood left much to be desired. I was isolated and left longing for love and companionship. These are the feelings that have resurfaced since we made the move to the country.
There are two beautiful vintage homes we have been looking at in town. Both have charm and personality, porches and wood floors, fire places or hidden rooms, swings and lovely detailing. Oh they are both so wonderful in so many ways.
The drawback? Tiny little yards. Each being less than half an acre, more near a quarter. City water, bleck!! I would miss our water. Oh our water is sent from the heavens indeed so pure and good.
Pesticides drifting over from the neighbors....on no. What a terrible thought.
Noise and nosiness, yet that could be pleasant sounds of happy bustling and friendships.
Maybe my sweet neighbor doesn't use pesticides on those roses...."would I like a bouquest or two? Well of course I would love some...I've been meaning to make some rose petal jam and won't you come over for tea?" blah de blah de blah :)
Oh this is where my bestest cousin bursts into fits of laughter because I might just be having a relapse of childhood and hallucinating to think we are playing with our barbies.....well nanner nanner to you girlie.
Yes I do so want to move to town, but at what cost?
It is possible to have in town what we have here. Most of it anyway.
I won't have the deer to gaze at and talk to, yet they also won't be having their way with my lettuce.

click to enlarge and see the intruders :)

We will have to give away many(most) of our hens. We give away or sell so many eggs anyway that I think a few less chickens is ok with me.
I won't have the woods to walk through....yet they frighten me much of the time anyway....yes I admit it. Being in the woods alone frightens me. I feel uncomforatble in my garden...not at peace as I should.
I love this life. I also know I would love a life in town. In town I can walk everywhere...therefore saving gas and staying healthy.

We could try to buy the place we are in. It is for sale...a bit high in my opinion. But what's the price for 5 acres of land, a stream, wildlife, a large pond...trees...
This is absolutely perfect if we wanted to go the permaculture route(which I would love to do).....learning more, growing, sharing.....it's so perfect, but unless I have another family or two who wants to move here and do this with us I'm leaning toward town.
Indeed I love the idea of being completely self sufficient, but I can't do it alone.
My husband works and has little to no time to help around this "farm".
Our children try to help, but they are small and end up being more work for me.
My two oldest are city kids and at this point I'm not sure if I can mold them into farm kids.....I've been trying for a year.
I would love to hear any advice you might have to offer :)

I'm not certain yet what how this will play out.
I'm a strong believer in the fact that whatever happens will happen because it was meant to be.

Here is what I have been working on, aside from herbs and such that I will be talking about on my next post :)
Sorry I haven't been around much. My hubby purchased a few new toys for me and I've been playing.

What I've been working on

2009-11-15T14:20:00.000-08:00

I've been busy, so very much that I've hardly had a moment to think :)
So here I am to catch up if even just a bit.......

I've been so involved in flickr these last several months.
I do go there often and lose myself in the photography, but I have also gotten to "know" some lovely ladies and to tell you the truth...we've become rather good friends.

Here are my latest projects.

Little red riding hood for an embroidery swap

WIP pillow for the pillow swap on flickr :) It's actually nearly finished, but no pics as of yet ;)

Finally taking photographs lately....busy busy busy.
I've been taking advantage of the natural light streaming through the windows this weekend.

Since my hubby began taking my son to work with him two days a week, I feel as if I have a whole new life.
We lost the house we were trying to purchase. Someone beat us to it, but we have a second favorite and will be keeping our fingers crossed.
I have so many projects to finish before Christmas.

Excited about a little knitting group my friend Katie has invited me to join.
Missing the sunshine, yet enjoying hot tea and snuggling up on the couch with my kiddos, project in hand. Time seems to pass more slowly for me in the fall and winter......

Take Care friends...

PS. For anyone who is as passionate about photography or rather editing (photoshop, lightroom, etc...)as I am.....there are links to some really fabulous actions, textures, etc... over to the left <----------
My hubby has purchased portrait professional for my birthday. WOOHOO.
I really love this program for removing chocolate milk moustaches or dirt from the sweet little mugs of my kiddos, as well as making myself and my girlies look all glam with diffeent color eyes, hair and skin....fun fun.

Down and out

2009-11-04T21:10:00.001-08:00

The flu has hit us hard. I'm trying to clear it out of the house, but it's a vicious cycle.

I'm ill again. There were a handful of days when I wasn't ill and then I was slammed back down.

The kids are all well. Hubby went back to work today.

I've been making soups and stews. Sadly there was a bit of tragedy in our week.
While out in the garden helping mama pull leeks, my little girlie girl stumbled upon one of the little fawns who we've seen eating from the garden and lounging around in our yard. There is a buck, a doe and two fawns. We are thinking that this little one found it's way into the garden and then died of thirst when it couldn't find the way back out. Poor little thing.

It was a sad day indeed.

This afternoon I saw the doe and the other fawn standing out near the garden. They just looked at me and for once I didn't run for my camera.

Things truly are going well. We will get past this illness and look forward to the holiday season and all the creativity it entails.

As I've been in bed I have been finishing my embroidery swap project. At one point disaster struck in the form of my children and some extra super duper buttery popcorn misplaced upon mama's project. Thank goodness I was able to come up with a new idea.
I will be sending along extras to my partner to make up for the lack of creativity.

I'm sorry to have no pictures for you today.
Wow...I should get an award for zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz........zzzzzzzzzzzz.......zzzzzz

On a good note some BIG things are happening for us.

:)

Here are photos of a couple of things I purchased for myself a year or two ago to make myself feel better. I think I need to do some shopping.
What do I need these days?

Where I find joy

2009-10-23T12:57:00.000-07:00

There have been many days over the last four years when I have been unable to find joy on my own...
Don't get me wrong. I love my family witha all of my heart and soul. Yet for 14 long years I have been mama and a mama at that who answers to everyone but herself.
Finally I was able to look inside myself and was thrilled to discover I'm still in there, lol.

The darkest days when I was so ill....those were the days when I finally told myself I needed to look outside of my own life....look for hope, inspiration, a happiness that would perhaps be contagious.

Would you believe I found it rather quickly....so I would like to share with you what or rather whom I found.

She is a lovely lady who has been breathing life into me for years now without the knowledge of doing so.
Often there were days when she inspired me to get out of bed or out of the house...to put on a pretty frock or buy some shiny red shoes....yes I think I've quite fallen in love with her...I want to be just like her when I grow up....oh yes....too late for that isn't it...well either way I adore her so very much.
I would like to point you in her direction...perhaps you need her as I once did...to give you back your joie de vivre :)

Graygoosie

graygoosie on youtube

She reminds me that I am alive now...I am able to bring pretty things into my life and enjoy things I love.....yes there are rough days for us all, but I have learned to treasure the good days, the great days, the absolutely best days ever :)
Yes indeed..those days are what I live for.

I share her love of thrifting and bright loveliness.
This morning I told my hubby, "I look forward to the days when it is just you and I...when the kids have families of their own and we are able to do as we please."
DO you know what he said? "What for? Then you would have only me to tell what to do and yell at"......hahahahahahahaha, lol. Am I such a shrew then? Perhaps I am.
Is that not proof I need more me time? Yes, a new goal of mine. Me time.

I'm still here in bed. Sleep eludes me as I listen to the symphony of coughing coming from the childrens' rooms. We will get better soon. If nothing else it has been a good week of love and togetherness.

Later today I will post some of my favorite links.

genius

The dreaded flu

2009-10-20T15:11:00.001-07:00

It's here....three of my five little ones has the flu.
Fun for sure. I will be offline for a bit...trying to be the best mama I'm able to be. I'm fighting something, but no fever and no cough so I'm hoping it's just a cold.

Perhaps all this down time will help me to finish my embroidery project for the hand stitched swap.

I'm sorry to be so boring lately. I'd lke to skip fall, winter and spring and head right back into summer.....and I'm a fall lover....but I digress....I will be sewing several projects soon....all coming along rather slowly :)

I will be thinking of all my blogging friends as I lay here in bed watching becoming jane, pride and prejudice, sense and sensibility, jane eyre,
miss austen regrets...... and whatever more I can manage to find time for :)

ETA....well today I found time for Lost in Austen and Wives and Daughters..... :)

Ready for the weekend

2009-10-16T21:54:00.000-07:00

What a week.

I'm exhausted

Here is my week in photos

Snuggling on the couch

2009-10-13T16:59:00.000-07:00

This is where I am. Snuggled up with my little guy on the couch under a fluffy blanket of down......wishing I had finished his quilt.

The oral surgery went well. Several hours later and he is almost himself again....save for the pain and a little bit of the evil eye pointed in my direction every now and then :)
As if I'm the bad guy...I was crying like a big baby when they held that mask on his little face. He has bruising from the anestesia mask, he was fighting good.
A bundle of nerves is what I was until they placed him in my arms....then all was well.

Hope everyone is holding tight to someone they love tonight.

Getting to know me

2009-10-09T13:50:00.000-07:00

That is precisely what I have been doing as of late.
I'm getting to know myself....my likes, dislikes...little quirks(or big ones)*giggle*
Time to myself with no little children tagging along .....it's so very odd, feels a bit off.
The first day was heavenly. Although first thing in the morning I was bouncing off the walls with excitement...it then led to trepidation and then to the realization that I had absolutely no idea what to do with myself, but toward the end of the day I could breathe and felt confident in the fact that I will have more days alone to do as I please.

I do love my children with all of my heart. Being without them was indeed a new experience and I was uncertain at first, but now I am confident that this time to myself...to live my life and have personal time.... is exactly what this mama needs.

Future days to myself will be filled with.............
adventures with Jane Austen, thrifting, sewing for myself, movies, trips to the library, perhaps a foray into town to visit the little vintage shops....knitting, tall glasses of rice milk decaf caramel mochas ;)
I'm not spending all of this time alone, but rather free from my lovely little ones.
Mama time :)
Who knew that time to think and room to breathe was so very crucial for a healthy life. I thought showering and yelling at children through the door at the same time was the norm. *wink wink*

The next step....finding time for my love. Alone time to be a lovey and smoochee.

I'm working on several projects, and might I say I bit off more than I can probably chew :p
First is the handstitched embroidery swap over at flickr as well as the pillow swap.....a few crochet this and that as christmas gifts...a bit of knitting...a cradle with home sewn mattress and linens...some nightgowns with matching dollie gowns...etc......like I said...more than I should have taken on.

A movie is in our foreseeable future...
The kiddos and hubby are going to see G.I. Joe......(eyeball roll)
Myself I would rather see Bright Star

I do believe I was born in the wrong era. I have felt this since I was a girl.
The dependence on technology worries me, as it grows more so each day and the truth of the damage already done causes me great guilt. I long for a simpler time.....but here I am and here I will remain for the time being.

.... on a high note...I met a new friend...someone more like myself than I would ever have wished for.....she's simply perfect and I adore her already.

Yes, I am finding that I rather like myself.

P.S.
Myself that I am rather liking(but should perhaps be kicking in the derrière) took the liberty of buying for her special birthday girl (15 in one month)
a teeny tiny white freckled trembly teacup chihuahua :)

Weekend goodness

2009-09-26T16:01:00.000-07:00

Sewing always calms me.

I whipped up this tee from our favorite Ottobre pattern....pants to follow soon :)

The terracotta fabric is hemp...love, love it so very much...so soft and cozy

I just adore this picture of his little buddha belly :)

Feel good mail always comes at just the right time.

We've been working on cleaning up the garden for fall....the plants are tired and it's time for new ones.
I gathered up veggies of all shapes, sizes and colors and roasted them.
Roasting brings out such sweetness. Just the thing I needed to feel better.

Pumkin, fennel, zucchini, leeks, onions, red pepper, sweet potato, french fingerlings, basil, tomatoes, parsnips, celery.........

Speaking of feeling better. My girlie girl is ill.
She's been fighting a pretty yucky cold....poor thing.
Lucky her, she is using her time wisely and working her way through many of her thrifted books and drinking tea. Perhaps it is just the break she needed.
Now if only I could help her little nose to feel better.

Been snuggling on the couch working on an elongated stitch scarf....I have got to get this knitting thing to feel natural....

Guess what I'm making?

Where did I go, the mama I knew

2009-09-25T09:33:00.000-07:00

I just read a post over at greenmamma about "how her life got all shitty"
She is struggling with post partum depression.
Well..... I'm right there with her.
I've tried to keep it to myself and it's just not working.
I've been suffereing since I was pregnant with my little guy.
Do you know how long that is? Four years.
It finally got so bad I sought medical attention.

I truly love where I am. These woods are magical to me....the wildlife, the wind in the treetops, the stream that trickles through out property...the pond.
Oh my garden how I love it...but somedays, somedays I just want to walk into the woods and never look back.

I'm not myself. I'm having trouble sleeping. It doesn't come.
Sometimes my brain won't process. I will sit here and try to think, yet my mind just goes in circles making no sense of anything.
I can start one hundred projects and not finish even one.

The frightening days are the ones when the fear and anxiety take over.....oh yes those are the days when I cry out to anyone who will listen not to leave me here alone with the children.

Why didn't I seek help sooner?
I didn't know what I was suffering with.
I've had some health issues in the past four years.
I imagine that those issues just made this depression worse. Only I didn't realize it. Now that I'm well physically.....I'm not well at all.
When I was pregnant with my son I was suffering some kidney problems...the nephrologist had me scared to death. By the time my son was born things were scary and I was so worried I wouldn't be here to raise him or my other kiddos.
In the end after a difficult birth we were all ok.

As the days passed I knew something was off....I didn't bond with my son...looking into his eyes I felt uncomfortable. I did continue to nurse him until he was over two years old. Due to medical reasons I had to stop cold turkey. That was one of the most emotionally painful things I have ever done.

I have been staying home with my children for ten years.
Ten years with few(none) friends and too much stress.

The children all have issues of their own. Worry seemed to be all I knew.
Cancer,serious allergies, emotional issues, behavior issues, the loss of a daddy, suicide attempts...it was just too overwhelming....these were not things that were supposed to occur in childhood. My kids were suppose to have it easy, waking with a smile and falling asleep at night with the same. They were supposed to remain innocent and perfect.
No one ever told me how it could be.

Now I have a plan, support, and the strength to say that I can't do it alone.
It's slow going and I don't have huge expectations of myself.
For now I'm just trying to get through the next five minutes.

I'm not glad that other mamas are suffering, but I am so thankful to know I am not alone and there are those with success stories to keep me on the road to recovery :)

I'm sorry if my recent struggles have come through in this blog. I never meant it to be an outlet...
It was supposed to be my way of sharing what I love, enjoy , and learn.
I do know however, that this is me and this blog is about me and my life, so for now...I'm just going to write what feels right. I hope there will be more sharing and laughter in the coming months.
Thank you for being there and if you feel that you must move on...I understand.

As for me I'm going to spend the weekend loving on this family of mine.........

ETA...it's saturday morning and I wanted to add something real quick.
I slept last night. Wow...the first time on a while.
I just wanted to clarify that right now my Dr, therapists etc....well right now we are still trying to determine if I'm suffering from PPD or PMDD.
Either way I feel it's pretty much the same, with the exception of when... and I will be taking the same path.....

Structure and Discipline

2009-09-17T13:51:00.001-07:00

Does anyone have any to spare. I seriously need a dose of each.
I've now been staying home with my kiddos for ten years....yep...ten whole long years :)

I've gotten to the point where I do what I like. Problem is that nothing gets done.
I start a million and one projects and more often than not, they don't get finished.
We need a plan. If anybody has any good advice I would love to hear it.

I'm tempted to begin some sort of chore board for myself. Perhaps a reward system is in order. All my chores done...woohoo a trip to the seed company alone etc...

When I was a child I always told myself that when I grew up I would do what I want when I want. You know.....honestly...(good thing my mom doesn't read this)...it isn't half as gratifying "being my own boss" as I had envisioned it to be :)

I also need a plan for my little guy. He still has another year before school starts. If I have to spend another year here looking at these trees for half the day, well then I might just go bonkers. I love my son, yet talking to a four year old and no one else day in and day out might not be the healthiest lifestyle.
"What's that you say...Obama is President? Why no I didn't know that...but did you know Hannah Montana is really the daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus...oh remember his cute little dance and his mullet?" and Blah dee blah dee blah.

My most recent plan is to volunteer at the local community center.
I'm off to find out about that in the morning. YAY...adult conversation.

This weekend is canning weekend. Finally..suddenly... I have red tomatoes, hundreds and hundreds of them.
My plan is salsa, ketchup, spaghetti sauce, tomatoe sauce, etc.....oh fun fun.

To our suprise a sweet little chick was born. A black ball of feathers and cute as can be. Now how to protect him or her from the cranky bossy hens.

It's almost garlic planting time.

I've been working on a few quilt blocks.......

thrift store find for my girlie girl and I to have tea time.

Have a great weekend.

I'm not ready

2009-09-15T08:27:00.001-07:00

Yellow, mellow, ripened days,
Sheltered in a golden coating;
O'er the dreamy, listless haze,
White and dainty cloudlets floating;
Winking at the blushing trees,
And the sombre, furrowed fallow;
Smiling at the airy ease,
Of the southward flying swallow
Sweet and smiling are thy ways,
Beauteous, golden Autumn days.
Will Carleton

Finding time to be creative

2009-09-09T09:00:00.000-07:00

I've been sewing a bit here and there.
Four of my five sweet little ones have birthdays coming up.
Funny that I only have one baby born in the spring ;)

I began this girlie quilt for my girlie girl.

School starts tomorrow. What ever will I do with myself.
Well...Ive got a plan.
The little man and I are going to begin an adventure.....
I thought perhaps we would explore all the local shops, farms, fishing spots, and go anywhere else our hearts desire.

I refuse to spend another fall and winter sitting out here looking at these trees.
Do not get me wrong. We love our woods, but once you begin talking to the trees it is perhaps time to get out a bit more.

The deer have ruined my winter garden plans. They are so petite that they find their way into my garden again and again.
I picture them scaling the fence and sqeezing though the top wires like some kind of contortionist.

I've been harvesting much from the garden. The tomatoes are finally ripe and I will be canning all sorts of yummy tomatoey goodness soon.
Our home is surrounded by blackberries as well mmmmmmmmmmmmmm.............
I think I will be trapped in my kitchen with the canner for much of the next two months :) happily so I might add.

the leeks have gone to seed

To find a yoga class for mama and little one would makes my dreams come true.
Sadly there is nothing like that to be found as of yet.

I believe a trip to the ocean is next on my to do list.
A camping trip would be a good thing.
One of these days I'd like to go on an all girls camping weekend.
Pure girlie giggly fun and creativity.

I apologise for all of my previous woes me posts. I've really been struggling, but with the help of a sweet new nurse...I think I can keep my emotions and complaints in check ;p

A recent trip to the thrift and I've a few new treasures. I believe it might have been my favorite trip to date.

I will add pitures in a bit....this must be the busy time for blogger....I usually post at night when the house is sleeping.
This morning was the first day of high school for my first born.
I was up early harassing her with my nikon in her lovely little face :)

Have a beautiful day.

Lovely thrift store find.......whimsical paintings pair LOVE them so much!!!!

Singer 185. Isn't she the sweetest shade of green. Reminds me of mint.

Balance

2009-09-07T01:08:00.000-07:00

Finding balance here tonight.
There has been this struggle taking place inside of me.
I read blogs....love many of them and kept asking myself why my life couldn't be more like theirs.

Think I've figured it out. It's about balance.
Yes I would like a calm serene family setting.

To find my kiddos lounging around playing with their waldorf toys...reading...talking...laughing...
Heres my reality check.

I have five kids. 5. 12345

It's just not going to happen.

The two teens came into my house already set in their own ways.
Selfish, angry, snotty, uppity, know-it-all ways :)
The little ones have been learning from them.

I'm working on changing all of that. It's my mission.

I found my balance here, or rather realised it was already in existence.
I'm face down on the massage table and my therapist says to me...
"Amy, I think you have a wonderful life. You've got it all under control. When you come in you always have fun stories to share and you laugh often when you're telling them. Yep...I think you've got something special"

It dawned on me right then.
Everything is going to be ok.
We are not perfect.
There are wrestling screaming tickling fighting biting scratching name calling events that take place in my house.
And it's ok.

Oh and hey....we all kiss and say I love you at bedtime...all is forgiven.

Peace and blessings

2009-08-28T10:00:00.000-07:00

Feeling completely frazzled and needing to step away from the reality of life for a moment last evening.

This is peace. Just to sit and soak it in.

I live near two lakes. Two. I'm truly blessed.

My girl and I watched this with tears in our eyes.
We spoke of what we have to be thankful for.
As many others in these trying times we have been struggling. There was a time when we foolishly threw our money around. It was spent with no second thoughts.
Today it's a compltely different story.

A year ago our goal was to move and provide for our children as well as ourselves a better way of life. We've found that life. I truly believe our life is more enriched and fulfilling than it has ever been.

In the process of this change....we had to adapt......
Jobs pay lower, insurance is not half as good, sometimes we may feel as if the weight of the world is upon our shoulders.
This is how I felt last evening. We are hungry. We are struggling. One child is ill.
My husbands birthday is here and I have nothing to offer him but my love.
Yesterday was difficult.

It's school time. Supplies, clothes, registration.............$$$$$$$$$$

Last night sleep seemed to elude me.
I settled my little guy down to sleep nearby, yet I myself could not shut off the thoughts, the worry, the questions........finally I fell asleep. I fell asleep only to have nightmares. Nightmares of losing my husband...my family.

I woke up this morning oddly refreshed and hopeful.

Yes perhaps my children will be forced to eat only food from my garden, as they should willingly do.
Yes maybe my husband can do without that morning coffee or three. It makes him grumpy anyhow :)
Yes just for the time being lets appreciate what we have. Focus on that.
No I cannot afford junk food, iced coffes, and fuel to cart my children around to all the places they "must" be. No I must pass by that lovely pair of rain boots I've had my eyes on for nearly a year.
Yes perhaps I should part with just a bit of my lovely fabric that I've been saving to make quilts for my children, grandchildren, great grandchildren.

As for the birthday boy. So what if we can't go camping on the coast as we planned. We have quite the camp spot right in our own backyard.
We have one another. Fourteen arms make a pretty amazing hug :)

Counting my blessings.

What we do have is LOVE

Driving and texting

2009-08-26T15:20:00.000-07:00

I caught myself doing this.
That was the last time. I'm going to make sure I keep my cell phone in my pocket or bag when I drive.

Watch this
(WARNING it's GRAPHIC if you have little ones, have them run off and play for a bit.)

I've been in an auto accident with my children. It has changed my life.
I refuse to be in another one because of my own ignorance.
Please watch the movie and pass it on.

Remember the peaceful days when we didn't have cell phones :)

Herbs

2009-08-25T11:05:00.000-07:00

The last few days I've been harvesting herbs.
I've found some wonderful ideas online about what to do with them.

I've harvested basil, bee balm, stevia, shiso, mint, oregano, feverfew, angelica, marshmallow, lemon balm, rasberry leaf, purslane (a weed?), chamomile,......

There are so many more I wish I had planted and I intend to do so.
Have you heard of Mountain Rose Herbs?
They are a supplier of bulk herbs if you are not able to grow your own and they provide a wealth of information as well.
Sand Mountain herbs is a great resource too.

I'm trying out their idea of infusing herbs with fresh honey.
I've been wanting to make my own teas for some time....perhaps for little care packages for loved ones.

My garden is doing wonderful regardless of the deer nibbling the tops off from a few plants :)

This fall I am toying with different ideas for a separate herb garden.
I was a bit ambitious this year with the garden and I've found I don't care much for weeding. This weather seems to be like Maui for weeds. They bask in it and glow with health. Makes me quite irritable, lol.

We gave away the two Jersey Giant roosters.
The fellows were just too darn big and wouldn't give the hens a break. Poor girls.

Now we have the two banty roosters. The little guy is a feisty one. He will chase you and peck at your toes. He's temporary as he belongs to my neice.

It's nearly t ime for school to start. I'm not ready. I enjoy having the companionship during the day. I'm going to miss them.
It is hard for me to imagine that one day I will have no children living at home.
Honestly I don't even want to think a bout it.

Bike rides have been lovely as of late. The path is surrounded by brambles or berry bushes and riding though them is nearly intoxicating.
Our house is surrounded as well. Sometimes I can hardly believe the scent is so strong. It's lovely. Reminds me of girlish desserts.
Back home is was the russian olive trees that made me drunk with memories.
I've been smelling the blooms on those trees since I was a girl. Sticky and not the prettiest trees, but their perfume could take you worlds away.

It's time to put in my winter garden. Would anyone like to volunteer to come pull weeds? No... I didn't think so.

We have been here now for nearly a year.
I'd like to do without the rain and the gray skies, but the moderate temperature has been glorious. Did I mention that my magnolia and crocus think it's spring again...yes I think I might have.

I've been quilting. Getting ready for winter.
This summer my favorite spot has been on my swing on the back porch . I think it will continue to be my favorite spot all through the year. Well.....as long as I can find a really big umbrella.

Off to blanch some beans.

Please forgive any mispellings or typos as I've been struggling this weeks with my arms :) You should read some of my texts...hahahaha

Basils

lettuce I let go to seed (before the deer ate it)

On a really bad day I stepped outside to this...and felt better.

A recent outing

One of the two deer who enjoy my buffet garden

Awe

The kiddos and I braving the humidty at Sahalie Falls

This is in the woods, near the falls

On love and potatoes

2009-08-19T19:59:00.001-07:00

I was talking with a cousin I haven't seen in some time. He is not married and has no significant other....he has no children...no certain career, yet he is happy and in love with life. He lives for his nephews and nieces and thrives for the simple reason that he breathes and is able to enjoy this life he has been blessed with.
He tells me he feels complete.
I believe we are all different in what we may seek and what makes us complete is up to us. Marriage does not make you complete, nor does having children....a high paying job......a sports car and a fat wallet......
When your heart feels near to bursting and you could not imagine one thing in this world you need. When you love yourself exactly as you are.
I think perhaps then you are complete.

Lately I've been having strange dreams. Some nights they are nightmares about some traumatic events I survived....other nights I'm in the arms of old loves.

I remember my first boyfriend. I was eight and he was about eighteen.
He worked on the ranch and I remember sitting on the fence admiring him as he prodded the cattle on through the gate. I was just a little squirt to him....oh but it was love. Seriously now....I still love every man who has ever come into my life and held a special place in my heart.

I already knew this, but just today I thought on it for a bit and came to the conclusion that it is what it is and I accept it.
Loving comes easy to me. I don't know why and I don't want to question it anymore.
I love and that's who I am.

My daughter often tells me I need to toughen up. There are people who are unkind.
They say and do things that I would never do. My girlie tells me I should be this way in return. You know what? It's just not me.

When I was 16 years old I went through something no young girl should ever go through. But I'm ok and I forgave them long ago. That's how it has always been with me. I get though it and I move on.

Things in my life are not always as I would hope them to be...but I'm alive and I am so very blessed.
Tonight I'm not half as eloquent as I would like to be as I haven't slept well lately. (darn dreams) I do however have a point.

It's ok to forgive. Accept prople for who they are and that they are doing the best that they know how to do.

It doesn't help in any way to carry anger, regret, or wonder what could have..... should have..... would have been.

so....lets talk about what I've been harvesting
from my garden aka the local deer buffet.

Mustard Greens and breathing

2009-08-17T10:00:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure that rather than easing into this new life.....I jumped in fully clothed. Think I may have put my family into shock.

I've been thinking and decided to slow it down a bit and take a breath now and then.
I cannot change the world, I cannot protect my family every second of the day, I cannot go on battling everything I feel stongly about every waking moment.

I'm going to slow it down just a bit and enjoy those simple things that were always just out of my grasp.

As for eating healthy that won't change :)
Last night I made mustard greens and they were absolutely delicious.
My kiddos even said they were "the best ever"

Here's what I did
Large bunch of greens
2 large cloves of garlic chopped
2 leeks from my garden
2 small shallots from my garden
2 small crookneck sqaush from my garden ;)
4 small green onions from my garden
salt
olive oil

Wash the greens well. Rip out the center stems.
Toss into a pan with the oil, add onions, leeks, shallots.
Cook about 5 minutes. Add garlic and squash, salt to taste. Cook a few minutes more.
The greens will be just that, bright green.
I tossed them into a pan with some pad thai rice noodles.
Amazing. YUM.

Now if my tomatoes would just ripen up ......

My friend took this pic a while back, lol...it just reminds me of how I feel about gas prices. My hubby refused to take a drive with me to Joanns yesterday for thread. The gas was much more than the thread.

Have a blessed day.

Got some time on your hands

2009-07-24T23:02:00.000-07:00

When I can't sleep or if I'm just waiting for someone to get out of the bath......

Leading such a glamorous life you know I always look my best.........YEAH RIGHT!!!

SO I spend some time going through the what if's and coulda shoulda woulda's.

What if I was born with blue eyes....I shoulda had flaming red hair insteada sorta reddish.....I coulda been blessed with porcelain skin, NO freckles and a top lip :)

Oh this is all in fun.
Today was a busy day, yet not.
It was nice and warm with a gentle breeze.
I worked in the garden, harvested some nice beautiful veggies, lounged on my swing and watched the kiddos splash in the pool, talked to the chickens, cuddled the bunny, and so on.....lazy, yet not day.

I deserved it. I was sick sick sick Yesterday. 24 hour bug I'm thinking.
So sick I was laying out in my grass with only the cat to give me sympathy.
You wanna see how glamorous I was....and for all the
friends who have heard my comments about grown women wearing
disney character apparel and lah de blah blah blah....just keep yer trap shut.
They were a Valentine gift. They were. Whatever.

Poor Me lol seriously I was ill YUCK

Always willing to lay around and cuddle

New to us picnic basket chosen by the litte guy

If I had sheets like my girlie girl, perhaps I would feel better

my view of the bunny butt

I was thinking my toes looked pretty at least while I was looking BAD ;)

A common sight under the flowers and shrubs

I threw some ginger in a pot to see if it would grow. I like to grow stuff :)

harvest

pink and orange quilt square

My favorite flowers...chocolate cosmos

I think the music may be temporary. I know many people don't care for music on blogs. I adore it. We will see how it goes. It's kinda bugging me already, heheh.
I'll give it a shuffle and see if that bugs me less. Good night friends.

A day in pictures

2009-07-17T17:19:00.001-07:00

shiso herb in my garden.....for wrapping sushi

Mooie Americana

Rooster who was supposed to be a hen

berries

more berries

chamomile

I am a basil addict, love it a million and one ways, many varieties grow in my garden

Nasty cucumber beetle

I will add many more later this evening......blogger is evidently too busy now :)

Garden pests and life changes

2009-07-15T11:21:00.000-07:00

Cucumber beetles have taken up residence in my garden.
Leaves are wilting and plants are dying.
This has been my tester garden for this new to me area.
The Pacific Northwest. I just can't keep up with the beetles.
I've found great pleasure in squashing them, but there are just too many.
I've tried two handfuls of all natural sprays and remedies.
My goal was to raise and preserve all my own food.
At this point I'm not sure how much I can save.
Perhaps I will shift my idea to purchase as much as I can at the pick your own and farmers market and still can and freeze what we need for the winter.

Curious about my potatoes, I harvested a few and sure enough....some were holey and home to something.
What a let down. We've always had success in the past with our gardens.
It has truly been a learning experience.
We were able to enjoy many types of lettuces. The beetles don't seem to like lettuce.
Chard on the other hand, they devoured.
I'm going to take a few pics today in the garden so I can share with you the devastation and what the little buggers look like.
At first the kids thought they were pretty yellow ladybugs. Nope!!

I'm thinking of selling most of my sewing supplies, including hundreds of yards of fabric. My neurologist has told me that I need a new hobby. I'm pretty sure the computer was also on the list of what not to do. I'm still considering. I enjoy sewing so much, as well as my time chatting with new online friends. Yet I would like to explore new things. Maybe a little volunteer work is in my future. There is a local womens shelter and I do have past experience with domestic violence.

I'm trying to be more compassionate.
The little man smashed his finger in the truck door last night.
It was a sleepless night for all. I will admit I enjoy when they still allow me to mother them :)

Off to confront those beetles.

Summer Living and Loving

2009-07-14T17:05:00.000-07:00

I'm checking in.
These last couple weeks have been bittersweet.
My latest trip to the neurologist didn't give the the news I was hoping for and my little guys recent trip to the allergist didn't put my mind at ease a bit.
Now in addition to walnuts, my little man has an anaphylactic reaction to peanuts.
He tested positive to all tree nuts and coconut.
I was going to post about coconut bliss.....my new fave ice cream.
Being dairy free is hard enough and I finally found an ice cream that was beyond amazing....YUM.
Now it's off the list and I sadly tossed it out.
I try to stay positive and remind myself that our life is good.
It's been worse. My child with cancer was worse. Not being able to get out of my bed was worse. These days it's all good. I can handle it. It's all good.

I've been loving my recent thrift store finds.
My garden is like a forest. The weeds are kicking my rear.
One more sweet little hen has turned out to be a rooster, bringing the total to three.
The cherry trees are producing as well as the other fruit trees.
My flowers are in full bloom.

The Oregon Country Faire was wonderful. It poured, thunder, lightning...the whole works and people were still laughing, dancing, walking barefoot through mud six inches deep. Myself included. My feet were so soft when I got home, lol and dirty heheh.

My hubby stayed with the kiddos. I'm not ready for them to see all the naked people.
It's not that I have any reason. Perhaps I wanted to enjoy the time with my best friend.

I have lived all these 35 years without realizing I had a sister.
Well.....I do have a brother and sister but they were put up for adoption before I was born and I don't know what path their lives took.

My mother was very young when I was born. She left my father when I was still a bun :) He was a cheater and later I learned much more that makes him someone I'm unable to love.
My grandmother was killed when I was one. I feel that my mother was still a girl herself.
My mother and my aunt through marriage lived together as roomates.
When Shelly was born I had just turned two a few days previous.
She was the most beautiful little thing. All black hair, porcelain skin and the bluest eyes I've ever seen.
We were raised together as cousins, but more like sisters. I remember always being together...from playing barbies with handmade clothes to dance class when we were a bit older....to cruising and running around town with boys. I never realized we were anything alike.
I was so isolated once my mother remarried. I think I was about 7, maybe 8 when things went bad. I know I was in third grade. I saw Shelly less and less.
Oh anyway to make a long... very very long sad story short.
I never knew that she put me on a pedestal. I never knew how much she looked up to me, loved and respected me.
Most of all. I never knew how alike we are.
Always we are on the same page. Sometimes we show up wearing exactly the same thing.
We have very similar beliefs and ideas. Never in all these years without her have I laughed as much as I have since we've been together again.
We decided to move here together. Her family and mine. Hoping we would all love one another. At first we all lived in the same house. WOW. What a mess.
We didn't know one another and everyone was walking on eggshells. You know what happens when you assume ;p
In the end it all turned out better than we ever dreamed.
This is the place I was meant to be. I love it here.
My cousin/sister/friend is my constant companion when our hubbies are working or when we just need to get away.

We love our yoga, our incense, our farmers markets, tea, baking, going to the pick your own, sewing, gardening.........so very much. I haven't had a best friend(aside from my husband who doesn't count, lol) since I was young.

So this is the summer of my dreams. Warm and alive and refreshing.
I am changing, growing, healing, learning......
There is so much I do not understand about myself.
I have been so alone, a mom and nothing else.
Shelly helps me to stay balanced and not be afraid. She is always nearby with a kind word or a joke to lift my spirits. She understands and doesn't judge.
The best thing is that she brings back the best memories of childhood, the innocence, the hope, the dreaming. I had forgotten to dream.
So for now I am learning to love myself, trust myself and enjoy time with my children without allowing motherhood to overwhelm me.
Yet at the same time all I want to do this week is sit on my swing and watch the kids run and play and giggle as they hope and dream and love me back.

I'm learning that it is not selfish to take a few moments for myself.
Yet I will never take for granted the moments that aren't.

Back to living

2009-06-24T10:02:00.000-07:00

I have had a wonderful time getting to know so many internet friends and swapping fabric again, but the computer time has really done a number on me.
Lately I spend far too much time sittig here looking at this monitor.
I have had a flare up of the nerve issue I struggle with.
My arms simply cannot handle the computer time.
I also noticed the other night, while I sat chatting with a few friends...that my daughter was reading my son his bedtime story. I thought to myself perhaps it's time to step away from the internet again.
I tend to get very absorbed and forget what's going on around me.

The internet to me is a book. I can sit here for hours soaking it all up like a sponge, yet it's not the same as a book.
My library of how to and what's what books is extensive. I really don't need to search and google.

I spend hours pouring over blogs learning how they do what they do and wanting to be certain I do it the right way. Is there a right way?

Last night I was frightened. My injury is old, from a car acciddent, yet it flares up and starts all over. Something with the nerves in my neck and shoulder and then I can't feel my face, I have difficulty breathing and muscle contractions in my eye.
I've come to the realization that it's not worth it.

This is not the life I am trying to live.
All this time all I wanted was a peaceful healthy life.
I'm going to step away and take a break.
Time for healing.

I highly recommend some of the blogs in my sidebar. I have learned much from them and simply enjoy reading.
My garden thanks them.

My goal is to get back into all of the things I was trying to learn about being self sufficient and living a simple frugal life.
I will be posting on how that goes in the future.
Talk to you soon.

Winner of the fabric giveaway

2009-06-22T10:42:00.001-07:00

The winner is deeplygreen

This was so fun I think I will have another giveaway this friday too.

Thank you again for all of your lovely comments. Your memories are wonderful and I relived some of those moments with you. We are very blessed are we not.

Overwhelmed

2009-06-20T21:40:00.000-07:00

Did you ever have one of those days.....

I have so much to do that I have no idea where to start.
I tried to stay in bed today. Thought I'd just wait it out until tomorrow, lol.
The idea was quickly thrown out the window by my kids.

I enjoyed all of your comments so very much. Many of you brought tears to my eyes and I could often envision you back in that very moment.
How I miss my youth, yet not ;)

My hubby advised me to leave the contest open until tomorrow.
I will announce the winner monday morning. Mondays need some happiness.

Have a wonderful Fathers day.

I didn't have a dad, but I had a grandpa and he was my sunshine.
Oh how I miss him. Use to let me eat the carrots right out of the garden he did, yep.
If I ran into him in town he would pull his pockets inside out and dump all his change into my little hands, oh and sometimes he had rollos, mmmmmm.....chocolate.
We were camping and fishing partners. He showed his love for me in every little thing he did. I wasn't able to spend as much time with him as I would have liked.
I was kept pretty isolated, but I won't bore you with that nonsense.
My mom raised me the best she knew how for a young girl who's mother had just been killed. She loves me in her own special way and I respect her for that.

My grandpa passed away in 2001. I've missed him every day since.
Who's going to make my cherry chip birthday cakes and teach me about gardening, making salsa and smoking jerky?
I miss you Grandpa.
If you were here I'd sit on the arm of your easy chair like always and listen to your voice crack as you spoke with those tears in your eyes. So very sentimental. I think I got that from you.
Happy Father Day.

Sharing the fabric love Giveaway

2009-06-19T18:28:00.000-07:00

I'm so sorry I'm never here.
I can blog all winter and spring, but the garden keeps me busy these days as well as spending time with my kiddos.

Yes, I do love nature and the earth and being frugal and everything good and innocent and sweet and all that.....I raise chickens...care for an organic garden...blah dee blah dee blah.....and I LOVE fabric.

Lately I've gotten back into sewing. I had forgotten how comforting it was to create.
When I was ill it was my therapy.
Unfortunately along with this sewing bug I've also found my addiction for fabric.
I think some of it delights me so much that I should frame it and slap it up on the wall or put it all in a glass case so I can sit for hours with my nose pressed against it drooling over my latest love.

Many of the fabrics I adore have special meanings.
For me the Heather Ross fabrics are all about memories. They reverse time and take me back to the very moment of delight and happy squeals of childhood.

They remind me of........this and that...
Some of you already know this story.
My childhood wasn't wonderful to begin with, yet who's is.
There was an incident with myself an older boy and the business end of a hammer when I was a little girl. To cover all of the stitches my mama put a kerchief on my head.
I remember going to the carnival and riding the carousel with that kerchief on.
Today one of my favorite fabrics is called kerchief girl.
There are also many Heather Ross fabrics that take me back... dream bikes, because I owned that bike, fish in bags, won them at the carnival, recess, the playground in elementary school,beach, going to the coast, mermaids, ponies, gnomes, etc......

Perhaps looking at the fabric brings me more joy than sewing with it.
Perhaps it's the time spent with myself reflecting.
Any way you look at it, fabric brings me joy and my husband can often hear me squeal with delight(did I say that was only done during childhood?) and excitement. Yes he rolls his eyes and thinks me a fruitloop at those times, but he's supportive :)

He doesn't mind that I have yards and yards and yards and yards of fabric taking up space in this already crowded house.
Shall I share?

I'm going to give away a nice little bundle of hard to find fabrics.
I can assure you there will be munki, heather ross, denise schmidt, japanese lovelies, and so on.

There is however...a catch.
Please leave a comment on this post telling me of your favorite childhood memory or your favorite fabric and why it is so special to you.
I will close comments saturday evening around the time when I am able to peel the kiddos off of me plop them into their beds so I can finally shower and feel sane before melting into a chair and zoning out and drooling over fabric on my favorite flickr group, Oh I mean around bedtime.

I would also love to see the fabric sewn up and would rather not see it sold or swapped.

Have a wonderful weekend.

Some of the following pics are pretty terrible, but I didn't feel the need to change lenses in the midst of my vacation enjoyment...shame on me ;)

random extra Fq's and pieces

Glorious fun time had by me ;)

Footloose and cancer free

Oh MY!!! Triple yolker.....my chickens love me

Happy Mail....hubby must love me too

some little man brought home a pig launcher, ouch

treasures

2009-06-15T23:57:00.000-07:00

Well, I guess you might have noticed there was no giveaway.
Let me tell you about that.
My hubby whisked the kids and I away for a weekend on the beach.
He rented a little cabin on a lake near the ocean.
It was heaven, yet it was hectic. It was relaxing, but it was chaotic.
I'm glad to be home and I wish we were still there.

The internet connection there was sssssoooooooooooooooo ssssssllllloooowwwwwwwwww.
Seriously. I wrote this great post(I thought) and while loading up it died, lost connection. AARrrgggghhhhh. I'm going to try again this friday.
I need to catch up the watering on my garden, love on my chickens, wash the sand from our clothing, and put my feet up and not think. For two seconds at least.

We pulled into the drive this evening and I was happily and peacefully exhausted.
In the mail I found the most wonderful treasure.
I have made many wonderful friends through my love of sewing.
Claudia is one of the sweetest new friends I have been blessed to get to know. She sent me a lovely necklace made by a very talented etsy seller.
I am so thankful yet shocked. I just sat there and cried.
Perhaps it was the kind message she slipped in, perhaps it was the bittersweet end to a much needed break, perhaps I'm just more sentimental with each passing year(hubby tells me I'm old), or maybe I just didn't realize that someone would think I'm special.
I like to give things that make people happy. Oh it brings me the greatest joy.
I forget sometimes how times are changing and often kindness doesn't matter. It's often more about what you can get.....
I doubt I'm making much sense as I'm barely keeping my eyelids open to write this.
I will have many pics tomorrow and stories from the sea.
Claudia thank you from the bottom of my heart, I am so glad that we found one another.
The necklace is lovely and I will treasure it.

Thank you to all of the wonderful new friends I have made on the swappy poo group and thank you to all of my wonderful sewing mama friends who have been with me for three years and who have always had and ear to lend, advice to help, or kind words to lift my spirits. Thank you. I am truly blessed to be a part of the online community of sewing friends. Good night girls.

Oh and don't even think I went to the ocean without stopping at the quilt and fabric shops on the way ;)

Fabric giveaway

2009-06-12T22:37:00.001-07:00

Blogger ate it.

I will try again in the am.
Sorry girlies.
I promise it will be worth it.
;)

Parenting

2009-06-07T10:10:00.000-07:00

Where have I been?
My internet was down. A whole week. But thankfully I still have my hair, not for lack of trying to pull it all out.

It has been a rough few months.
In january I nealry lost my daughter, my son has an anxiety issue concerning a cancer relapse, my youngest has been an absolute terror, learning from the older kids, my middle child having her meltdowns, struggling with emotional hurts, my youngest daughter feeling invisible, myself thinking perhaps I'm on the verge of a true nervous breakdown......yet NOT.

Yet we carry on and welcome each and every day with a smile and hope for the future.

Yesterday my hubby and I decided to buy our kiddos a trampoline.
I never had one as a child and we've never owned one as parents.
We have many friends with them and the kids adore them, jumping for hours, learning tricks etc... coming home exhausted, melting into bed.... content.

As we were leaving the store and loading the trampoline into our truck a woman walked nearby with her children.
I was shocked and appalled by the way she spoke.
To sum it up she told her children this
" let me tell you kids that I will never buy you one of those awful things. They are very dangerous, little boys and girls always get hurt and break their bones, responsible moms and dads would never buy something for their kid that would intentionally hurt them...........blah blah blah.........

This was not all I overheard, yet to each her own I guess. That is her opinion.
I do not believe for one second it is the fault of the trampoline that inflicts pain and cuases accidents. I am not one of those people that is buying this for my kids as a babysitter.
My children will be supervised and there are a few rules for safety and it has an enclosure. I will allow my children to form and express opinions of their own.
No room for ignorance in my life. I do not try to mold my children into whom I think they should be...I merely try to set a good example and teach them what I know. They are not under my thumb. I hated being treated that way as a child.
I have never in my life felt more alive and curious. These past few months have taught me more than I ever expected.

Today we visit an intentional educational community.
I am reading lessons on Permaculture.

The garden is coming along beautifully. The leeks amaze me.

I have had a visitor lately. An unwanted visitor indeed.

A few pics

I love that my kids get so dirty, covered in dirt and popcicle juice and so on
When I first became a parent I worried over every little thing.
Now I know that I must let them play and get good and dirty if they so choose.
I have also learned that dirtier children are healthier children. Their little bodies are better able to fight off illness.

Leeks are growing so very well.

Here is a form of therapy for my son who is in remission from ALL Leukemia.
He has severe anger isues that we are told may be from his medication during treatment, as well as liver and spleen issues. He has recently developed anxiety and worries about the cancer returning.
I'm trying to help him focus and direct that energy somewhere positive.
Thus far he is open to anything and loves a challenge.
My two eldest kiddos have begun therapy. I'm thankful.

If you made is this far I appreciate you. It truly helps me to lay these feelings down and put them into words.
I will be having a giveaway this Friday to celebrate my daughters jr high graduation.
Stay tuned.

Summer Sewing

2009-05-24T21:26:00.000-07:00

Between planting veggies and building fence...I have been sewing.

My girlie girl really needs clothes for summer.
This is becoming my go to pattern.
I simply traced her fave pants, then cut that tracing out.
I placed it on the fold of the fabric she chose and cut out two. I make the rear with a little more fabric.

Sew up the curves at the top. Then separate and sew up the legs.
Fold over an inch or two for the waist and insert elastic. (measure your little one and mark elastic)

This girlie likes flat front waist. I measure her waist and make my elastic about one third that number(8 inches for my girl who is size 8). Then I sew it to the unfolded waistband one end on each side of the waist.

Then I sew the waist down and it's done.

This is terrible instruction, but I haven't found time yet to put it into word for a tutorial.

I know sewing pants is about the most simple thing in the world but there was a time when I didn't know how, lol....and I wish I had.
I can makes pants for myself in this same way. I love linen and hemp weekend pants.
Throw on a drawstring and I'll live in them.

The other morning I went out to water the garden and there were flies everywhere. I'm hoping they are just regular old annoying flies.......we will see.
Something has been eating my bok choy. I'm going to spray it with some insecticidal soap. Crossing my fingers.
So far I've not seem many slugs. There are however lots of caterpillars. The kiddos are delighted.

Tomorrow I'm planting out my tomatoes. I've been too overprotective. It's time to boot them out.

Here are some recent pics to share.

I think my next post needs to be about my love of fabric.

Mermaid pants and the garden gate

2009-05-15T08:42:00.000-07:00

Hello. I've missed you blogger world.
It seems as if I have no time these days for anything, lol.
Perhaps it is more that I have so much to do that my head spins and I end up going in circles getting nothing done. :) SO it seems to me anyway.

We've been building fence and finally finished. YES!!
Now I'm working on two gates. I must get them finished so I can plant.
The chickens will kill everything if I have no gate. They are really trying to take over. Yesterday my daughter was standing outside eating a big chunk of fresh bread and a little red hen sneaks up behind her and snatches the bread.... running away cackling an evil cackle. Ok, well I made up that last part, but really...they are stealing from the mouths of babes here. No joke. Naughty chickens.
And yes they have a lovely diet of greens, grains, bugs...it's free range here. Five acres of chicken heaven. This weekend I'm building two chicken tractors. It's time for the chickens to learn the boundaries. Oh ...and I would like to step outside and not step in chicken poo. It's not quite the same as sand squishing between your toes.

Yesterday it rained and I was frustrated. My sewing room has been completely taken over by seedlings. Really. It's dirty and I mean there is real dirt on the wood floors. I've been trasplanting :) I don't mind dirt, I do clean it up eventually.
Anyway yesterday it rained and I decided I didn't care about the dirty overcrowded sewing room. I had to sew. Thought I would surprise my girlie girl with somehting special. She is my special sweetie, always listening intently, thinking of others before herself, following me around asking to help.....
She loves the heather ross fabrics.....and she loves mermaids.....so I made these

I simply traced a favorite pair of wide leg gauchos and made them with a flat front waist. I made a tutorial as I went along and I need to load it up.
The trim is a lace with wooden beads that was gifted to me. Love it.

Next I will be making the yoga pants and skirt as promised. I drafted my own wrap top and got a little behind on what I had planned.

Yet first I need to make those garden gates.
Something pretty is what I'm hoping for, pretty yet rustic and frugal.
My potatoes are the only thing in the garden.
Everything else is sitting outside in a chicken safe zone, unless it's sitting in the crowded sewing room, or my windowsill, or the living room......

here are some pics for fun

Fencing the garden

2009-05-07T20:36:00.000-07:00

Busy busy......battered and bruised bleeding hands and wrists.
This garden will be deer proof.
Be back soon.

change

2009-04-30T10:09:00.001-07:00

Playing for Change

2009-04-30T09:44:00.000-07:00

This is amazing.

I have yet to take a moment to figure out how to add a video to blogger. ;)

On Pandemics and Homeschooling

2009-04-29T09:35:00.001-07:00

I find this particularly interesting this morning. I was especially moved by the replies.

"These are the bits and pieces I agree with...
We may not be able to save the world but we can make educated choices. About what we eat and where it comes from. What we do, and how we build a sustainable lifestyle that our children can emulate and improve upon. Be the people we want our children to become. "

"In order to not mentally make myself sick,I learned to pick my battles to worry about and mainly I learned that I can not save the whole world and that some things I just am not able to do anything about."

I'm not going to panic. Just going to keep it calm and keep on moving forward.
I'll panic about the little things :)

On another note, I really don't care for public schools. This is putting it lightly.
My teenage daughter has literally begged me to take her out of school.
and iI'd love to have the little ones home with me as well.
We might also get a whole lot less of whatever is going around. It's a vicious cycle with five children.
My little guy stays home with me. He has an anaphylactic reaction to nuts and we carry epipens with us everywhere. I do not trust the school to keep him safe. Not for one second.

I think I will focus on learning my options. Unschooling is what I lean toward, but I need to do my research. If I don't go that direction...there is a montessori school twenty minutes away.

Here I'm sharing some pics from our last garden before we moved from Idaho. This was shared with the sweet older couple living next door. They were a wealth of informaion. I miss them.

See the Borage.......

broccoli, cauliflower, berries, squash

beans cukes, peas, strawberries

The little guy helps

As for the infestation of us. I am considering cutting all of my hair off. All.

I was concerned about how I would look and how my hubby would respond to it..

I expressed my concern to my hubby and he said let me tell you a secret....then he whispered

"I like you naked". Hahahahahahahahaha.

Ok, I get it. Get over it and stop stressing. It's just hair.

Planting the Gardens

2009-04-26T20:55:00.000-07:00

We are only a few steps away from planting.
The compost/manure/mulch.................is mixed in with the top layer of soil.
The center path is dug out and looking beautiful.
The kids and I made a game of everything today.
We dug the middle row from the garden, but before we could do that evenly we tied it off with string, making two race lanes :)
That was fun.
Then we made a path all around the garden about a foot or foot and a half from the fence.
The imaginary fence I mean, lol so we can get around the rows once they are growing.
About the fence....
We haven't gotten quite that far. Takes cash we don't quite have yet.
We know it's a must. The deer make themselves far too comfy in our backyard as well as the cats, the chickens, raccoons, and other............varmints :)
Kiddos and I have decided to sew up a scarecrow.
That's the easy part.

The companion gardening is what has me frustrated.
Almost enough to just toss it all out and plant where they land. Oh I wish I weren't such a perfectionist. My uncle use to tell me I was a tad neurotic.....I know he was sugar coating it.
It's how I was raised. If I didn't do it right the first time.....my stepdad made me do it twenty more just for the fun of it.
These days I'm thankful. I hated that man back then. Maybe still do, yet he taught me endurance, perseverance, and patience. He wasn't patient. I learned to be.
Whoa I just got a flashback memory of painting the shed.....and painting it again the right way..

Today my garden space increased a bit.
It is 80'x50' . Was 70'x50, but we cut down a tree that was growing sideways.
The earth there was so rich and beautiful. The pine needles did a glorious job of creating some truly amazing soil. I'm going to plant strawberries in that spot. I'm allergic to them, but what a treat for the kiddos.
Maybe I'll mock up a drawing really quick and scan it in.

Our house sits facing East. Maybe it faces West. Honestly I'm not sure which one is supposed to be the front door.
What we call our backyard is on the North side of the house. This where our deck and lounge/activity area is.
The garden is on the North side of the house as well, but it is back in the clearing and is the only large area with no trees overhead.
It faces South. There is a gently slope toward the house and this will make for good drainage.
It will have a nice wind blowing across for good ventilation as the plants grow. I've made the rows going north to south.
I wasn't sure if this was logical, but I was sure hoping. Makes perfect sense to me.
This way everything gets full sun down the row and nothing is shaded.

Right next to the veggie garden is the herb garden. I thought it would be fun to do something more whimsical with this. I dug it in a medallion shape or a circle, with an open end.
It is 28 feet across at it's widest. In the middle is 14 feet of grass. I'm going to put a bistro table and chairs there or maybe put stone in and throw some pillows out there.
I considered a fire pit, but we chose another spot for that.
I can imagine the herbs and flowers in full bloom with me laying in the middle with all the scents mingling in the air as I have the privacy of the living wall. Oh yes I can just imagine that.
Maybe I should have made a full circle so I could hide there from the kids, lol.

My children really are quite wonderful. But this mama needs a break. Just a little one.
Hubby worked for seven days in a row and I'm shocked that I still have my hair.
He may only give me a ten to twenty minute break from the kids now and then, but boy I sure notice when I don't get it. It only takes five minutes of closing my eyes and breathing for a moment to regain my balance and clear my mind of stress. Not all the stress goes away, but I do feel refreshed.

Everyone helped today. Hauling and digging. Working. I hope that the children will understand that their hard work is appreciated and that it will pay off in the end as they see and eat the fruits of their labor.

Here is my list of what's going in the veggie garden. I'm too lazy to alphabetize it for ya.
Please forgive me.
carrot
tomatoes many varieties
cucumber many varieties includin my fave lemon.
squash varieties
melons oh so many including moon and stars mmmmmmmm
greens lettuce, spinach, etc...........
broccoli
cauliflower
celeriac
celery
cabbage
peas
beans
radishes
peppers varieties including chocolate YUM
asparagus
rutabagas
parsnips
peas
onions
leeks
pumpkin
kale
kohlrabi
strawberries
raspberry bushes outside the garden
blueberry bushes outside the garden

Some are cool weather crops that won't go in until fall or late summer and I might have forgotten some for now. I've been digging the day away and am not thinking very clearly. In a good way.

We also have several fruit trees, yet we do not know their age or their overall condition.
We will have to wait and see how they perform.

In the herb garden (several of these will also go in the garden between veggies)
anise
borage
calendula(marigold)
chamomile
thyme
mints (contained deeply underground)
fennel (isolated)
parsley
coriander/cilantro
basil mmmmmmmmmmmm
rosemary
wormwood
comfrey
stevia
lemonbalm
chives
dill
coneflower
marjoram
sage
chives
epazote
lovage
cumin-nigella sativa
chervil
mullein (still not sure on this one) I use to take a mullein tincture
sweet annie(ambrosia)
yarrow
mexican tarragon

I might add more as I find things I like. I'm hoping to make the farmers market this next weekend.

I would like a green tea plant, but I think I'd need several to make a go of it.
At $25 a plant, I'm not thinking that's frugal when I can buy tea at the natural market for pennies yet at the same time I do want to be self sufficient so we'll see.

I'm going to save here while I try and whip up something to scan.
I will also add what makes good companions and what to keep far apart.

Garden Planning

2009-04-25T11:43:00.000-07:00

It's a beautiful day. The kiddos and hubby let me sleep in.
And.........................hubby made breakfast. Oh I think I'm in heaven, lol.

Today I will sit down with all my lists and plan out this garden.
I'm going to be trying some companion gardening so it's going to be work this first time.
Next year it will be easy. I hope. ;)

I'll try to put up pics of my finished plan tonight.
I am so excited to get these plants out of my sewing room.
I have some picnic quilts to make.
We discovered laying out on the grass is not such a great idea.
*scratch scratch*

I also discovered there is a whole colony(heh-heh) of sticker weeds out there, hiding in the tall grass just waiting for my bare foot to come near. ouch!!

ETA.........I mowed the lawn. I must say that's a useful way to shut the brain off.
The chickens were chasing me around the property.
I got absolutely no planning done. :)

Moody Mama

2009-04-24T20:33:00.000-07:00

Oops, sorry. I have been garden planning, caring for seedlings, caring for sick kiddos, baking too many batches of chocolate chip cookies and not updating my blog.

Some of my girlie's test results came in.

The liver function test came back normal WOOHOO!! and Whew!! Let's just say I am so so very thankful. We are still waiting on a couple other things. We are staying positive.

My mood has been up and down. Physical therapy is seriously taking it's toll on me. I've woken up in the middle of the night just gasping, trying to calm myself down and use the appropriate muscles for breathing....it's not easy when you're half asleep.

I'm sore and tired and feeling very old.....yet I'm content with life.

Today I was driving down the road to pick up my kiddos from school.

(Yes I wish I could say I home school or unschool my children, but I'm afraid that would leave all of us a bit loopy). As I was sitting at a red light I noticed a couple walking on the sidewalk.

They seemed lost in one another, hand holding, grinning. Her hair was ever so slightly blowing on the breeze and it seemed almost surreal. They seemed oblivious to the traffic, construction, noise and people around them. I imagined that someday that would be me.

I would guesstimate they were in their mid forties.

Were that my husband and myself.......it would have been a different story.

I would have been worried about my saggy knees and my pasty skin, tugging at my too tight shorts since all my clothes are suddenly too tight, annoyed by the traffic and the people all in a hurry to get somewhere. The sun would have been making me squint and that wrinkle between my eyes would get deeper. Yes that's me. The worrier. The one who stresses. I wonder if being a mom for the last fourteen years has made me who I am?

Then again. I'm ok with that. I'm happy. Strangely so it would seem, lol.

Telling myself everyday that everything is going to be ok. I will be well again.

Reminding myself of the beauty all around me.

Sometimes I feel there are two of me.

If it were another day I might have been just as happy as she. Grinning and thanking my lucky stars for all I have been blessed with.

Most days I notice the most simple of things...grass blowing, sound of the wind in the trees, new freckles on the tip of my daughters nose,the scent of the earth, many things that I remember noticing and appreciating as a girl. Why suddenly are all of these things coming back to me.

Well, I don't know the answer, but I'm thankful they have.

Perhaps I haven't lost quite as many brain cells in childbirth as suspected.

Still... lost more than I could spare though, heheh.

I've been going in circles. I have so much to do and I start one project only to abandon it for somehting that seems suddenly more important.

I wish someone would come over and tell me what to do.

I have about ten sewing projects started as well as a garden half planned out.

Perhaps I need to just shut my thinking brain off for the weekend and just sit back and see what unfolds.

I've been laying on the swing outside lately as my hubby rototills the garden. It's all I can do.

I've shoveled, raked, been planting,etc...and now I have strict orders of no more than 40 minutes per day. Fine with me. For now.

It seems to me that our hens think of my hubby as a sort of pied piper.

He walks to the garden with the rototiller and they surround him like he's famous.

Here are some photos I have snapped lately.

Loving his kitty on the swing.

Ruby. One of our hens. She's pretty bossy.

Path to the gardens.

First he admires it holding it gently.....

Then ..........

Vintage sheet for some quilt squares and perhaps a matching nightgown for my girl

He watches over me...can you see the blue sky in his left eye?

Trellises and tomatoe cages I made from found items and branches

Arbor also made from branches from having the trees trimmed.

Just another view

One of the pullets(was a pullet :) is laying WOOHOO..isn't it teeny tiny

comparing it to these

I'm really trying to get motivated for a couple tutorials.

I've gotten the patterns cut out and everything, but the seedling are crowding me right out of my sewing room. I'm going to pretend that I can bend over and happily cut fabric without wincing and that I might actually have the strength to sew and breathe at the same time.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, :)

Have a wonderful weekend.

Today I worry

2009-04-17T09:43:00.000-07:00

I've been worried ever since I gave birth to my first baby and today that is the same child who my heart aches for. Ok, I'm a worrier and my heart aches for all five of them, but my teens cause me excessive stress and anxiety.

You see.....they weren't raised by me.....long story short.......I brought them home a while back and they are troubled.
My younger children are often confused and saddened over how my teens are.......but we all love them.....try to understand...

Several months ago my daughter had an accident. Today we have an appointment to see how her organs, body, etc... are healing. She has been in severe pain these last couple weeks.

When she eats she feels ill right away. She has pain and she can't relax enough to sleep well.

I have my fingers and toes crossed that the Dr. will say all is well and that she has simple growing pains. Oh geeze do I hope that's what the Dr. will tell us.

She needs to be strong so she can love her new bunny,

Do me a favor and keep her in your thoughts- thank you. xoxo

Thinking Breathing Listening

2009-04-16T19:59:00.000-07:00

These days I find more joy in today....I don't drift as much looking for peace.
I honestly feel that I have never found more happiness or been more content with life.

Today we went for a bike ride.......the bike trail is an old railroad....through the forest, cool and along the lake......smells of childhood campouts.........my little man in my bike basket...holding on for dear life.....but smiling.....grinning from ear to ear....

As we rode there came a bend in the path...we didn't know what was to be found around that corner...I said aloud to my family...it's like a quote isn't it.....or rather many quotes........

Then I thought about how very different my life is now than when I was younger.
I grew up feeling unloved, with an abusive stepfather and I was always alone....
Then I moved out when I was 16....lived the wild party girl life.......and now, now I live the life I always dreamed of.

I have everything I have ever needed and longed for......Love, acceptance, trust, faith.............

Over the last year I have been amazed at the fact that I am still growing, learning, changing, and now healing.....who knew. I use to be afraid of aging. Now I look forward to it.
This is truly a path that I am thankful to be on. The one of spiritual growth. It's as if as you grow older you become more childlike......

Tonight was disturbing. My son is struggling. He fought cancer and won, yet he is struggling with demons that I don't understand.
They told us that there has been a study done on the children that went through the treatment he did and those children are dealing with anger issues. I'll say that's an understatement.
My son has violent outbursts out of nowhere. It brings tears to my eyes and a terrible pain to my heart. He screams and weeps, goes on a tirade throughout the house, destroying everything in his path with the power of a natural disaster. It's painful to watch.
In the end when it's over I lay down next to him and wrap my arms around him pressing my lips to his hair and telling him calmly that everything is going to be ok, quietly talking to him or sometimes just laying there holding him tightly, all until his breathing slows back to normal and his heart stops pounding. God. I use to pray to take his place when he was ill. I'd do it now as well. There's a storm brewing inside him.
I'm frightened for him.
I'm going to be taking him to counseling. I thought I could heal him with love patience and understanding, but I don't believe it now. I have never in my life seen such anger and frustration come from such a small child. I don't understand it at all.
I'm doing some research on stones that promote healing, emotional wellness, inner peace, etc.... just for kicks and because just maybe I believe in such things. I will do anything for my child. All my children. I'm open to any advice.

My boy and me

Is it Spring yet?

2009-04-14T20:24:00.000-07:00

Madness.....that's what it's been like around here.

Sometimes I find no words that make sense...no matter how I try, lol....it's this theory I have about childbirth and brain cells...but it's my story, heheh.

My seedlings are reaching, reaching, reaching their little necks out for some sunshine, only it's not to be found. Gray skies....that's all we've had.

Veggie seedlings

This morning my little man woke me up and said "mama it snowed", sure enough.....outside was a blanket of white. Crazy Oregon weather.

Thought I would again share some pics of recent goings on.

Got the chance to sew up a pair of gardening gloves from Weekend Sewing, did I already mention that? It's so not easy to photograph ones own hand with only 50mm or 85 mm lenses ;)

Once I had a fabric stash the nearly size of Canada(no joke), but slowly it's been shrinking...it's hard to see some of it go, yet we really needed to put the money toward immediate needs.

not much left in the way of hard to finds and what I do have...is for me.

This is probably not even an 1\8 of my stash

These are my knits. Some of them, lol.

You can't see the lower shelves of all eco fabrics, my hemp jerseys etc........ love love love those.....you can find them here.

I was very selfish and frivolous.....not there anymore... I've had this stash for a few years...

Favorite Vw's....love VW's and someday I'm going to have a real one, not barbie sized :)

short sleeve camp shirts

My reliable workhorse....rocketeer

My baby..featherweight

I'm looking forward to some princess and the pea fabric soon to make the girls some nightgowns.

Heather Ross's far far away line.

I haven't been buying fabric......sort of learned my lesson and am far too frugal these days to pay much for fabric unless it's for a special occasion or something much needed.

Too often I would buy and hoard all the popular fabrics and I wouldn't even sew them up.

Too afraid to cut into them.

I have more of a thing for vintage fabrics and even sheets...I cut those up with great joy.

We were able to rototill the garden spot a bit this past weekend before it starting pouring.

That's the plan for the coming week. Rototill and get the raised beds made.

I've made several tomato cages out of fencing I found out in the woods.

I also made some cute ladder type trellises out of limbs that were cut from the trees.

:) need to take pics of those.

Here are a few random pics.

mama made blueberry banana rice milk smoothies.....

These are little mushroom planters made of terracotta.

Newest member of our family.

Fresh eggs every morning.......

Plotting.......???????

Bad kitty (Don't worry, this doesn't happen anymore)

Likes to be the squirter, not the squirtee

You ever see that cartoon with the two bunnies...the "what?" one, lmao........

Stopping to smell the roses

2009-04-11T12:06:00.000-07:00

My girlie went to a sleepover and we went to pick her up this morning.
The drive was lovely as it always is where ever we seem to go......breathtaking.
I have seen the V of birdies since I was a girl, but today.....today I was speechless.
The kids and I were so excited to look up and see for miles and miles nothing but flocks of geese.
It was magical.
I did not have my camera......shocking because I take it everywhere, but this was just a quick trip then back home to work.

I found this picture online so you could somewhat imagine what we saw.

There are more here
http://www.flickr.com/search/?q=geese+migration

I know it's just an everyday thing to many, but since moving here I have found the beauty of everyday life. I'm trying to have the same wonderment the kids have....oh it has been awesome.

On finding my love of cooking

2009-04-10T23:07:00.000-07:00

For a few years I was lost. The me I knew. She stumbled and fell and it was like that old commercial....you know..come on...."I've fallen and I can't get up"

Yes I am so an 80's, early 90's child. I still say some of those uncool words too and I'm not going to tell you what they are cause that would be like so bogus and I don't want to like gag you with a spoon or anything.

I was sick and I refused to do anything..oh and I wanted everyone to help me and give me advice but I had a hundred and one excuses why I couldn't do anything.

I stopped baking and cooking. My husband went into shock, lol, ok not really...but he wasn't a happy camper.

Well anyway long(old)story short....I am cooking and baking up a storm these days.

I've found my groove.

As I should have been all along, I'm teaching the kids to make all of the things my grandad, great gramma, and mom taught me to make.

This was our latest adventure in cooking.

Homemade chicken egg noodle soup.

I promise no chickens were harmed in the making of this soup.

Well...none belonging to us anyway, lol.

We considered buying some broiler chickens, but we all agreed that not one of us is man enough to do the dirty work..... ;) Besides...we cuddle our chickens too much to consider them dinner.

Hello Sunshine

2009-04-07T11:15:00.000-07:00

He was determined.

The days have been warmer and I have been working outside as long as there is light.
Our garden is marked off and ready for the organic soil/compost we have coming today.
Trees have been trimmed, the sunshine is filtering through and the grass is reaching up ever so sweetly and slowly........the moss has taken over the yard, but I there is hope.

I will share pictures today as I have a million and twenty two things to do.

I will say that I splurged and purhcased Weekend Sewing and Artisan bread in 5 minutes a day.........as soon as I pulled them from the box I was in love.....I'm not kidding you.......

Oops I need to run......promise I'll be back tonight to put the pics up....

Oh did I ever tell a lie, sheesh.......I have been swamped.

I am buried in chicks and seedlings... ;)

It's suntea season....WOOHOO

Iced mint green tea (apple mint, yum)

He likes it. :) and he deserves it as he's been working hard on the property.

New books.......I saved up for these two......it was excruciating, but I am learning to be frugal.

I'm doing a good job too.

Blogger ate it. Seriously, it did.

2009-04-01T16:27:00.001-07:00

I'm so frustrated and I'm holding a grudge for a bit.

Until then......I'm building raised beds and putting up deer netting.

My seedlings are all doing very well.

For the most part anyway.

There sun has been scarce. The broccoli is rebelling. :)

The hoophouse will go up next August.

I figured out that I don't need it right now anyway and that I need to put more effort into keeping the deer out of my garden.

We now have 28 chickens.

A few chicken tractors are next on the list.

It's going to be a very busy spring.

On Being Self-Sufficient

2009-03-26T22:54:00.000-07:00

Lately I have added many books to my library.
I have either been lucky enough to find them in the thrift shop or I have ordered from Amazon.

This latest book has me in AWE.

John Seymour's Self-Sufficient Life and How to Live it.

It is honestly worth every penny and a trillion times more.
We are trying to slowly transform our life into one of which we can be thankful for.
I'm trying not to pull the rug from beneath anyones feet. Really I've tried to do it slowly.
It began with adding in organic foods on occasion, then weeding out the processed ones......then buying only all natural whole organic foods....changing our soaps, shampoos, make-up, hair products, etc..... raising our own organic garden, herbs, and free range chickens.
Even the fabrics I purchase to make clothing are Eco-friendly.
I admit I'm a fabric junkie. I'd lay down and melt on a bed of hemp, soy, bamboo, linen and hempcel fabrics.

Back to my point....I am so glad to say we are nearly there. Self-Sufficient.
Next fall we will be able to say we grew nearly everything that crosses our plates.
This brings my heart great joy.

I've sort of stumbled through motherhood. As an only child and someone who spent much of her time alone when younger...I knew I wanted a large family, but I've never had all the answers. Never will.
Love and respect..understanding and patience. Kindness and an open mind.
That's what I do know.
Always feeling this hunger to learn. My kiddos have it too. We are so blessed.

Now if I could just get hubby to stop buying corn dogs ;)

Spring Fever

2009-03-25T12:15:00.000-07:00

We have been so busy lately. It's pretty much spring and we have so much to do.

Plans for a hoop house are becoming a reality.

http://www.kitchengardeners.org/hoophouse.html

http://henbogle.wordpress.com/homemade-pvc-hoophouse-construction/

http://mdfarm.blogspot.com/2007/12/high-tunnel-construction.html

http://westsidegardener.com/howto/hoophouse.html

I hope to have enough to build it in a month or two. This would give the ground a bit of time to dry up.....if the rain ever stops, lol.

I will take pics of the process. It should be rewarding and great fun, as well as useful for growing veggies, of course. ;)

My dear friend claims it has been raining for like "TWO YEARS!!", heheh.

This is outside my back door......wet wet wet...who wants to go out there?

At first I did, but then after working in it...I changed my mind, that was of course after I caught a cold.

It does seem so these days, but we need that rain, so bring it on.

I've been a bit heartbroken that I can't work in the yard and garden as much as I would like, yet I've made up for it with thrifting and knitting.

The most simple things brings me joy.

Oh and the little ones and I have been baking up a storm.

The last few days we have made breads galore.

I think the favorite so far is banana pineapple chocolate chip bread. YUM.

Since I've been spending so much time indoors I have felt the urge to sew.

Later this week I will do a tutorial for a yoga waist knit skirt and maybe a pair of yoga pants as well. I will see if I can sweet talk my hubby into helping me and find a way for you to download my self drafted patterns...

Being frugal has not been as difficult as I feared.

After going through my closet and pulling out many things to donate, I also noticed a few things that I have never worn, but remembered the reason I was first drawn to the particular item.

SO...I took them all down to my sewing room and altered them. Voilà! I have new clothes, woohoo. I must say this is the most impressed my husband has been with my sewing, lol, being the worry wart about money.

It's spring break and my teens are away with the grandparents. It has been much more relaxed around here....no tension and hormones raging in one way or another...no rollercoasters of emotion. It's easy to be young at heart with these little ones. They bring me to life.

P.S. I can't figure out which is smellier(a word?)...teenagers or baby chicks....

The Chicken Lady

2009-03-15T21:25:00.000-07:00

You know the lady down the road with all the cats, oh say twenty or so.....well I have her beat.
It's chick time. We started out with seven chicks and now I think we have ...hmmm...um...ahem.....twentythree. LOL. I'm telling you I do not know how this happened.
They are just so sweet and precious and we do need them for the eggs.

This is how it started.

4 ameracauna

2 black sex links

2 rhode island red

2 leghorn

2 silver laced wyandotte

1 golden sex link

4 black australop

2 black jersey giant

2 barred plymouth rock

1 amaracauna being chickiesat and one banty the same

23 noisy, fluffy, sweet, hungry, poopy, loving little chicks.

This is our rooster. He sorta looks like a road runner, ya think?

He's tiny, but loyal. His name is Junior and he's an old english red pyle banty.

I had big plans for this weekend. Unfortunately it rained....and rained....and did I mention that it rained?
I am surprised my whole house didn't float away.
This Oregon weather takes some getting used to. Regardless of the rain, we worked outside. I wasn't able to get the garden rototilled or the herb garden planted, but I was able to do a few small things on the list.

Me looking quite the drowned rat, happily working in the rain.

Hubby and the kids accomplished the most.
They cut down a fallen tree and hauled the limbs away and a friend helped hubby to build a new compost enclosure.

New compost area. It's done now, but it was pouring by the end, so no pic today.

I have little to show and nothing exciting to tell you, but I'll get there.
The sun will have to come out of hiding eventually.
As for me I finally kicked the flu and have spent the last day or so
pouring over greenhouse and chicken tractor plans.

I'm learning much from these two lovely ladies

Our seedlings are coming along. The squash is in the lead.
A few seedlings disappeared. My eldest tells me the little guy was picking them early while I was working outside today.

I kept the kiddos in, not wanting to keep this flu bug going.

Hope you have a wonderful week.
I'll be singing in the rain for at least the ten day forecast.

This one thinks he's a puppy. He rolls on his back for tummy rubs and chases you around.

A quick short long story of why I'm where I am.

I spent the last three years dying and living in a place that I didn't love.

There seemed to be nothing but ignorance and stubborness, almost as if we were raised to know nothing and just nod in agreement with those who also knew nothing.

My whole life I have felt that there was something missing.

I didn't have access to whole organic natural foods or the way of life and acceptance that I was longing for. My family and friends didn't support me.

I have five children. My oldest son is in remission from ALL Leukemia, in his sixth year and cured.

Three years was plenty of time for me to lay there in bed and contemplate my future or lack thereof. I couldn't foresee a future at all. Today I get so excited over our future that I feel breathless and giddy. There is so very much that I want to learn and experience. SO much I want to do to help this earth and to return the kindness I have been shown.

I'm getting ahead of myself.

I encouraged my husband to help me make the change of life.

We left a place we have known all our lives, he left an extremely stable high paying job, and we moved to Oregon.

It called to us for far too long and we had to heed the call.

I was still very ill when we moved. We had somewhat given up hope. I think I had seen every specialist known to man at this point and been given the same bad news by all.

I gave up. But then I didn't.

We tried a doctor here and what do you know, they figured it our right away and I'm healing everyday.

SO here we are.

I'm in love with this area, we have access to farms and farmers markets and organic foods and sustainable living in every form.

I have moved my children out of suburbia and I'm slowly making changes so as not to completely pull the rug from under their feet.

We are weaning them off of video games and tv, and all the other fun things that kids do, instead of going outside and living.

TV and video games were sort of drilled into my son when he lived in the hospital, but he is the one more willing and excited than the other kids. Perhaps he really has a desire to live and do so in a way only a child can. ... With everything they have, including the childlike wonder.

We have already had adventures and been exploring on our property and we've found wildlife and insects, reptiles and furry things..... it has truly been a blessing.

I'm not thankful that I was ill for so long, but I'm thankful I came here.

I love my family and I love being alive. I will do everything in my power

to raise my family(and animals) in the most healthy way and with all the love I have to offer.

This is Lucy. She is my favorite. I hold her in my hand and I sing to her.

She always falls asleep.

I need to head off to bed myself. I've been staying up far too late.

It seems I find the most peace and quiet during these hours and I can read blogs for hours, learning, absorbing, but in the morning I feel the lack of sleep.

I can't handle that quite yet....so off to bed I go.

It's Raining it's Pouring

2009-03-10T12:40:00.000-07:00

and hailing, and snowing, and hailing again and then snowing, heheh.
The sun is teasing me, peeking through the clouds, then disappearing....
I am itching to get outside and plant my garden. It's time to dig into the sweet rich earth.
However.....I have the flu...yep. My children are so very generous. They share each and every little virus ;) Yes, sweet little darlings.
For now I sit in my house gazing out the window with anticipation, tea tree oil on my ears and a bowl of steaming eucalyptus water on my lap.
In a little while I will go back to my chair in the corner near the bookshelf and pour over the seed catalogs and my organic gardening magazine. I will lose myself in the stack of books on composting, biodynamic gardening, seed saving, preserving, etc...... as my littlest one sleeps nearby, fighting the flu himself.

Here are some great resources for seeds, tubers, etc...
http://www.johnnyseeds.com/
http://www.territorialseed.com/
http://www.fedcoseeds.com/
http://www.localharvest.org/
http://www.victoryseeds.com/
http://www.abundantlifeseeds.com/
https://www.highmowingseeds.com/
http://www.seedsofchange.com/default.asp

One of my sweeties, the nuturing one

A sigh of relief

2009-03-09T23:48:00.000-07:00

Finally. As I dip one little toe into the blogworld to test the waters I breathe a sigh of relief......"Ahhh...home at last"

I've had all of these ideas, creativity, adventure, laughter, tears.......I've had it to share with you for all of this time.
I've finally found my way...

Now on to the story that is my life...