Where did I go, the mama I knew

I just read a post over at greenmamma about "how her life got all shitty"
She is struggling with post partum depression.
Well..... I'm right there with her.
I've tried to keep it to myself and it's just not working.
I've been suffereing since I was pregnant with my little guy.
Do you know how long that is? Four years.
It finally got so bad I sought medical attention.

I truly love where I am. These woods are magical to me....the wildlife, the wind in the treetops, the stream that trickles through out property...the pond.
Oh my garden how I love it...but somedays, somedays I just want to walk into the woods and never look back.

I'm not myself. I'm having trouble sleeping. It doesn't come.
Sometimes my brain won't process. I will sit here and try to think, yet my mind just goes in circles making no sense of anything.
I can start one hundred projects and not finish even one.

The frightening days are the ones when the fear and anxiety take over.....oh yes those are the days when I cry out to anyone who will listen not to leave me here alone with the children.

Why didn't I seek help sooner?
I didn't know what I was suffering with.
I've had some health issues in the past four years.
I imagine that those issues just made this depression worse. Only I didn't realize it. Now that I'm well physically.....I'm not well at all.
When I was pregnant with my son I was suffering some kidney problems...the nephrologist had me scared to death. By the time my son was born things were scary and I was so worried I wouldn't be here to raise him or my other kiddos.
In the end after a difficult birth we were all ok.

As the days passed I knew something was off....I didn't bond with my son...looking into his eyes I felt uncomfortable. I did continue to nurse him until he was over two years old. Due to medical reasons I had to stop cold turkey. That was one of the most emotionally painful things I have ever done.

I have been staying home with my children for ten years.
Ten years with few(none) friends and too much stress.

The children all have issues of their own. Worry seemed to be all I knew.
Cancer,serious allergies, emotional issues, behavior issues, the loss of a daddy, suicide attempts...it was just too overwhelming....these were not things that were supposed to occur in childhood. My kids were suppose to have it easy, waking with a smile and falling asleep at night with the same. They were supposed to remain innocent and perfect.
No one ever told me how it could be.


Now I have a plan, support, and the strength to say that I can't do it alone.
It's slow going and I don't have huge expectations of myself.
For now I'm just trying to get through the next five minutes.


I'm not glad that other mamas are suffering, but I am so thankful to know I am not alone and there are those with success stories to keep me on the road to recovery :)

I'm sorry if my recent struggles have come through in this blog. I never meant it to be an outlet...
It was supposed to be my way of sharing what I love, enjoy , and learn.
I do know however, that this is me and this blog is about me and my life, so for now...I'm just going to write what feels right. I hope there will be more sharing and laughter in the coming months.
Thank you for being there and if you feel that you must move on...I understand.

As for me I'm going to spend the weekend loving on this family of mine.........


ETA...it's saturday morning and I wanted to add something real quick.
I slept last night. Wow...the first time on a while.
I just wanted to clarify that right now my Dr, therapists etc....well right now we are still trying to determine if I'm suffering from PPD or PMDD.
Either way I feel it's pretty much the same, with the exception of when... and I will be taking the same path.....

Garden pests and life changes

Cucumber beetles have taken up residence in my garden.
Leaves are wilting and plants are dying.
This has been my tester garden for this new to me area.
The Pacific Northwest. I just can't keep up with the beetles.
I've found great pleasure in squashing them, but there are just too many.
I've tried two handfuls of all natural sprays and remedies.
My goal was to raise and preserve all my own food.
At this point I'm not sure how much I can save.
Perhaps I will shift my idea to purchase as much as I can at the pick your own and farmers market and still can and freeze what we need for the winter.

Curious about my potatoes, I harvested a few and sure enough....some were holey and home to something.
What a let down. We've always had success in the past with our gardens.
It has truly been a learning experience.
We were able to enjoy many types of lettuces. The beetles don't seem to like lettuce.
Chard on the other hand, they devoured.
I'm going to take a few pics today in the garden so I can share with you the devastation and what the little buggers look like.
At first the kids thought they were pretty yellow ladybugs. Nope!!

I'm thinking of selling most of my sewing supplies, including hundreds of yards of fabric. My neurologist has told me that I need a new hobby. I'm pretty sure the computer was also on the list of what not to do. I'm still considering. I enjoy sewing so much, as well as my time chatting with new online friends. Yet I would like to explore new things. Maybe a little volunteer work is in my future. There is a local womens shelter and I do have past experience with domestic violence.

I'm trying to be more compassionate.
The little man smashed his finger in the truck door last night.
It was a sleepless night for all. I will admit I enjoy when they still allow me to mother them :)

Off to confront those beetles.

Summer Living and Loving

I'm checking in.
These last couple weeks have been bittersweet.
My latest trip to the neurologist didn't give the the news I was hoping for and my little guys recent trip to the allergist didn't put my mind at ease a bit.
Now in addition to walnuts, my little man has an anaphylactic reaction to peanuts.
He tested positive to all tree nuts and coconut.
I was going to post about coconut bliss.....my new fave ice cream.
Being dairy free is hard enough and I finally found an ice cream that was beyond amazing....YUM.
Now it's off the list and I sadly tossed it out.
I try to stay positive and remind myself that our life is good.
It's been worse. My child with cancer was worse. Not being able to get out of my bed was worse. These days it's all good. I can handle it. It's all good.

I've been loving my recent thrift store finds.
My garden is like a forest. The weeds are kicking my rear.
One more sweet little hen has turned out to be a rooster, bringing the total to three.
The cherry trees are producing as well as the other fruit trees.
My flowers are in full bloom.


The Oregon Country Faire was wonderful. It poured, thunder, lightning...the whole works and people were still laughing, dancing, walking barefoot through mud six inches deep. Myself included. My feet were so soft when I got home, lol and dirty heheh.

My hubby stayed with the kiddos. I'm not ready for them to see all the naked people.
It's not that I have any reason. Perhaps I wanted to enjoy the time with my best friend.

I have lived all these 35 years without realizing I had a sister.
Well.....I do have a brother and sister but they were put up for adoption before I was born and I don't know what path their lives took.

My mother was very young when I was born. She left my father when I was still a bun :) He was a cheater and later I learned much more that makes him someone I'm unable to love.
My grandmother was killed when I was one. I feel that my mother was still a girl herself.
My mother and my aunt through marriage lived together as roomates.
When Shelly was born I had just turned two a few days previous.
She was the most beautiful little thing. All black hair, porcelain skin and the bluest eyes I've ever seen.
We were raised together as cousins, but more like sisters. I remember always being together...from playing barbies with handmade clothes to dance class when we were a bit older....to cruising and running around town with boys. I never realized we were anything alike.
I was so isolated once my mother remarried. I think I was about 7, maybe 8 when things went bad. I know I was in third grade. I saw Shelly less and less.
Oh anyway to make a long... very very long sad story short.
I never knew that she put me on a pedestal. I never knew how much she looked up to me, loved and respected me.
Most of all. I never knew how alike we are.
Always we are on the same page. Sometimes we show up wearing exactly the same thing.
We have very similar beliefs and ideas. Never in all these years without her have I laughed as much as I have since we've been together again.
We decided to move here together. Her family and mine. Hoping we would all love one another. At first we all lived in the same house. WOW. What a mess.
We didn't know one another and everyone was walking on eggshells. You know what happens when you assume ;p
In the end it all turned out better than we ever dreamed.
This is the place I was meant to be. I love it here.
My cousin/sister/friend is my constant companion when our hubbies are working or when we just need to get away.

We love our yoga, our incense, our farmers markets, tea, baking, going to the pick your own, sewing, gardening.........so very much. I haven't had a best friend(aside from my husband who doesn't count, lol) since I was young.

So this is the summer of my dreams. Warm and alive and refreshing.
I am changing, growing, healing, learning......
There is so much I do not understand about myself.
I have been so alone, a mom and nothing else.
Shelly helps me to stay balanced and not be afraid. She is always nearby with a kind word or a joke to lift my spirits. She understands and doesn't judge.
The best thing is that she brings back the best memories of childhood, the innocence, the hope, the dreaming. I had forgotten to dream.
So for now I am learning to love myself, trust myself and enjoy time with my children without allowing motherhood to overwhelm me.
Yet at the same time all I want to do this week is sit on my swing and watch the kids run and play and giggle as they hope and dream and love me back.

I'm learning that it is not selfish to take a few moments for myself.
Yet I will never take for granted the moments that aren't.

Back to living

I have had a wonderful time getting to know so many internet friends and swapping fabric again, but the computer time has really done a number on me.
Lately I spend far too much time sittig here looking at this monitor.
I have had a flare up of the nerve issue I struggle with.
My arms simply cannot handle the computer time.
I also noticed the other night, while I sat chatting with a few friends...that my daughter was reading my son his bedtime story. I thought to myself perhaps it's time to step away from the internet again.
I tend to get very absorbed and forget what's going on around me.

The internet to me is a book. I can sit here for hours soaking it all up like a sponge, yet it's not the same as a book.
My library of how to and what's what books is extensive. I really don't need to search and google.

I spend hours pouring over blogs learning how they do what they do and wanting to be certain I do it the right way. Is there a right way?

Last night I was frightened. My injury is old, from a car acciddent, yet it flares up and starts all over. Something with the nerves in my neck and shoulder and then I can't feel my face, I have difficulty breathing and muscle contractions in my eye.
I've come to the realization that it's not worth it.

This is not the life I am trying to live.
All this time all I wanted was a peaceful healthy life.
I'm going to step away and take a break.
Time for healing.

I highly recommend some of the blogs in my sidebar. I have learned much from them and simply enjoy reading.
My garden thanks them.

My goal is to get back into all of the things I was trying to learn about being self sufficient and living a simple frugal life.
I will be posting on how that goes in the future.
Talk to you soon.

Today I worry

I've been worried ever since I gave birth to my first baby and today that is the same child who my heart aches for. Ok, I'm a worrier and my heart aches for all five of them, but my teens cause me excessive stress and anxiety.

You see.....they weren't raised by me.....long story short.......I brought them home a while back and they are troubled.
My younger children are often confused and saddened over how my teens are.......but we all love them.....try to understand...

Several months ago my daughter had an accident. Today we have an appointment to see how her organs, body, etc... are healing. She has been in severe pain these last couple weeks.

When she eats she feels ill right away. She has pain and she can't relax enough to sleep well.



I have my fingers and toes crossed that the Dr. will say all is well and that she has simple growing pains. Oh geeze do I hope that's what the Dr. will tell us.

She needs to be strong so she can love her new bunny,



Do me a favor and keep her in your thoughts- thank you. xoxo

Thinking Breathing Listening

These days I find more joy in today....I don't drift as much looking for peace.
I honestly feel that I have never found more happiness or been more content with life.


Today we went for a bike ride.......the bike trail is an old railroad....through the forest, cool and along the lake......smells of childhood campouts.........my little man in my bike basket...holding on for dear life.....but smiling.....grinning from ear to ear....

As we rode there came a bend in the path...we didn't know what was to be found around that corner...I said aloud to my family...it's like a quote isn't it.....or rather many quotes........

Then I thought about how very different my life is now than when I was younger.
I grew up feeling unloved, with an abusive stepfather and I was always alone....
Then I moved out when I was 16....lived the wild party girl life.......and now, now I live the life I always dreamed of.

I have everything I have ever needed and longed for......Love, acceptance, trust, faith.............

Over the last year I have been amazed at the fact that I am still growing, learning, changing, and now healing.....who knew. I use to be afraid of aging. Now I look forward to it.
This is truly a path that I am thankful to be on. The one of spiritual growth. It's as if as you grow older you become more childlike......


Tonight was disturbing. My son is struggling. He fought cancer and won, yet he is struggling with demons that I don't understand.
They told us that there has been a study done on the children that went through the treatment he did and those children are dealing with anger issues. I'll say that's an understatement.
My son has violent outbursts out of nowhere. It brings tears to my eyes and a terrible pain to my heart. He screams and weeps, goes on a tirade throughout the house, destroying everything in his path with the power of a natural disaster. It's painful to watch.
In the end when it's over I lay down next to him and wrap my arms around him pressing my lips to his hair and telling him calmly that everything is going to be ok, quietly talking to him or sometimes just laying there holding him tightly, all until his breathing slows back to normal and his heart stops pounding. God. I use to pray to take his place when he was ill. I'd do it now as well. There's a storm brewing inside him.
I'm frightened for him.
I'm going to be taking him to counseling. I thought I could heal him with love patience and understanding, but I don't believe it now. I have never in my life seen such anger and frustration come from such a small child. I don't understand it at all.
I'm doing some research on stones that promote healing, emotional wellness, inner peace, etc.... just for kicks and because just maybe I believe in such things. I will do anything for my child. All my children. I'm open to any advice.

My boy and me