Thursday, April 16, 2009

Thinking Breathing Listening

These days I find more joy in today....I don't drift as much looking for peace.
I honestly feel that I have never found more happiness or been more content with life.

Today we went for a bike ride.......the bike trail is an old railroad....through the forest, cool and along the lake......smells of childhood little man in my bike basket...holding on for dear life.....but smiling.....grinning from ear to ear....

As we rode there came a bend in the path...we didn't know what was to be found around that corner...I said aloud to my's like a quote isn't it.....or rather many quotes........

Then I thought about how very different my life is now than when I was younger.
I grew up feeling unloved, with an abusive stepfather and I was always alone....
Then I moved out when I was 16....lived the wild party girl life.......and now, now I live the life I always dreamed of.

I have everything I have ever needed and longed for......Love, acceptance, trust, faith.............

Over the last year I have been amazed at the fact that I am still growing, learning, changing, and now healing.....who knew. I use to be afraid of aging. Now I look forward to it.
This is truly a path that I am thankful to be on. The one of spiritual growth. It's as if as you grow older you become more childlike......

Tonight was disturbing. My son is struggling. He fought cancer and won, yet he is struggling with demons that I don't understand.
They told us that there has been a study done on the children that went through the treatment he did and those children are dealing with anger issues. I'll say that's an understatement.
My son has violent outbursts out of nowhere. It brings tears to my eyes and a terrible pain to my heart. He screams and weeps, goes on a tirade throughout the house, destroying everything in his path with the power of a natural disaster. It's painful to watch.
In the end when it's over I lay down next to him and wrap my arms around him pressing my lips to his hair and telling him calmly that everything is going to be ok, quietly talking to him or sometimes just laying there holding him tightly, all until his breathing slows back to normal and his heart stops pounding. God. I use to pray to take his place when he was ill. I'd do it now as well. There's a storm brewing inside him.
I'm frightened for him.
I'm going to be taking him to counseling. I thought I could heal him with love patience and understanding, but I don't believe it now. I have never in my life seen such anger and frustration come from such a small child. I don't understand it at all.
I'm doing some research on stones that promote healing, emotional wellness, inner peace, etc.... just for kicks and because just maybe I believe in such things. I will do anything for my child. All my children. I'm open to any advice.

My boy and me

1 comment:

  1. oh no, that is so heartbreaking...i really hope he can get through it...hugs from across the ocean!