Friday, September 25, 2009

Where did I go, the mama I knew

I just read a post over at greenmamma about "how her life got all shitty"
She is struggling with post partum depression.
Well..... I'm right there with her.
I've tried to keep it to myself and it's just not working.
I've been suffereing since I was pregnant with my little guy.
Do you know how long that is? Four years.
It finally got so bad I sought medical attention.

I truly love where I am. These woods are magical to me....the wildlife, the wind in the treetops, the stream that trickles through out property...the pond.
Oh my garden how I love it...but somedays, somedays I just want to walk into the woods and never look back.

I'm not myself. I'm having trouble sleeping. It doesn't come.
Sometimes my brain won't process. I will sit here and try to think, yet my mind just goes in circles making no sense of anything.
I can start one hundred projects and not finish even one.

The frightening days are the ones when the fear and anxiety take over.....oh yes those are the days when I cry out to anyone who will listen not to leave me here alone with the children.

Why didn't I seek help sooner?
I didn't know what I was suffering with.
I've had some health issues in the past four years.
I imagine that those issues just made this depression worse. Only I didn't realize it. Now that I'm well physically.....I'm not well at all.
When I was pregnant with my son I was suffering some kidney problems...the nephrologist had me scared to death. By the time my son was born things were scary and I was so worried I wouldn't be here to raise him or my other kiddos.
In the end after a difficult birth we were all ok.

As the days passed I knew something was off....I didn't bond with my son...looking into his eyes I felt uncomfortable. I did continue to nurse him until he was over two years old. Due to medical reasons I had to stop cold turkey. That was one of the most emotionally painful things I have ever done.

I have been staying home with my children for ten years.
Ten years with few(none) friends and too much stress.

The children all have issues of their own. Worry seemed to be all I knew.
Cancer,serious allergies, emotional issues, behavior issues, the loss of a daddy, suicide was just too overwhelming....these were not things that were supposed to occur in childhood. My kids were suppose to have it easy, waking with a smile and falling asleep at night with the same. They were supposed to remain innocent and perfect.
No one ever told me how it could be.

Now I have a plan, support, and the strength to say that I can't do it alone.
It's slow going and I don't have huge expectations of myself.
For now I'm just trying to get through the next five minutes.

I'm not glad that other mamas are suffering, but I am so thankful to know I am not alone and there are those with success stories to keep me on the road to recovery :)

I'm sorry if my recent struggles have come through in this blog. I never meant it to be an outlet...
It was supposed to be my way of sharing what I love, enjoy , and learn.
I do know however, that this is me and this blog is about me and my life, so for now...I'm just going to write what feels right. I hope there will be more sharing and laughter in the coming months.
Thank you for being there and if you feel that you must move on...I understand.

As for me I'm going to spend the weekend loving on this family of mine.........'s saturday morning and I wanted to add something real quick.
I slept last night. Wow...the first time on a while.
I just wanted to clarify that right now my Dr, therapists etc....well right now we are still trying to determine if I'm suffering from PPD or PMDD.
Either way I feel it's pretty much the same, with the exception of when... and I will be taking the same path.....


  1. I'm new to your blog--linked from Postpartum Progress. After reading a few posts, I really want to visit your garden! I'm almost 3 years into my perinatal mood disorder. My baby will be 2 in November. I'm learning to relish the good days and trust they'll come around again. You have a beautiful family and staying home to mother them is the most noble pursuit--even if you're not doing it perfectly. (Got news for you--no one does it perfectly, with or without depression.) Thanks for sharing.

  2. Oh, Amy...I had tears in my eyes :( I'm so sorry for what you're going's a very dark place to be. I hope we can meet up sometime soon!
    Tera on SM :)

  3. I just wanted to pass a hug to you through the computer. Your blog is inspiring your garden is beautiful, your sewing projects awesome and your family is amazing. I have been home with kids for 10 years too and there are many things you were saying I can relate to. Especially after my twins were born (2 years ago) its just overwhelming sometimes and I think Mama's often take on the weight of the world and we just push and push ourselves and never get a break. I wish you lots of love and healing

  4. I have lived a life similar to yours. When my oldest daughter was born, over 33 years ago, I suffered from post partem psychosis. I was hospitalized for several weeks. I recovered and had two more babies, worrying each time if it would come back. Fortunately, it did not. But then I started suffering from the anxiety of PMS. I started medication and have taken it ever since. Life is good today. Hugs to you and your beautiful family.

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  6. Thank you all so much. I do believe that many of you know exactly what I am knowing this you also know that the kind words offered mean so much more to me than someone would think. I take your comments to heart and feel confident in knowing that one day everything is going to be ok again.
    I love being a mama and ever since I was a little girl "mama" is all I wanted to be.

    I'm trying to take it five minutes at a time....
    Thank you for reaching out to means so much to this mama....and this girl who is still in here somewhere.
    Hugs back :)

    If I could invite you all into my garden or onto my porch swing for tea and to listen to the wind through the trees as the children run laughing, chasing the attack rooster...I would.