Where did I go, the mama I knew

I just read a post over at greenmamma about "how her life got all shitty"
She is struggling with post partum depression.
Well..... I'm right there with her.
I've tried to keep it to myself and it's just not working.
I've been suffereing since I was pregnant with my little guy.
Do you know how long that is? Four years.
It finally got so bad I sought medical attention.

I truly love where I am. These woods are magical to me....the wildlife, the wind in the treetops, the stream that trickles through out property...the pond.
Oh my garden how I love it...but somedays, somedays I just want to walk into the woods and never look back.

I'm not myself. I'm having trouble sleeping. It doesn't come.
Sometimes my brain won't process. I will sit here and try to think, yet my mind just goes in circles making no sense of anything.
I can start one hundred projects and not finish even one.

The frightening days are the ones when the fear and anxiety take over.....oh yes those are the days when I cry out to anyone who will listen not to leave me here alone with the children.

Why didn't I seek help sooner?
I didn't know what I was suffering with.
I've had some health issues in the past four years.
I imagine that those issues just made this depression worse. Only I didn't realize it. Now that I'm well physically.....I'm not well at all.
When I was pregnant with my son I was suffering some kidney problems...the nephrologist had me scared to death. By the time my son was born things were scary and I was so worried I wouldn't be here to raise him or my other kiddos.
In the end after a difficult birth we were all ok.

As the days passed I knew something was off....I didn't bond with my son...looking into his eyes I felt uncomfortable. I did continue to nurse him until he was over two years old. Due to medical reasons I had to stop cold turkey. That was one of the most emotionally painful things I have ever done.

I have been staying home with my children for ten years.
Ten years with few(none) friends and too much stress.

The children all have issues of their own. Worry seemed to be all I knew.
Cancer,serious allergies, emotional issues, behavior issues, the loss of a daddy, suicide attempts...it was just too overwhelming....these were not things that were supposed to occur in childhood. My kids were suppose to have it easy, waking with a smile and falling asleep at night with the same. They were supposed to remain innocent and perfect.
No one ever told me how it could be.


Now I have a plan, support, and the strength to say that I can't do it alone.
It's slow going and I don't have huge expectations of myself.
For now I'm just trying to get through the next five minutes.


I'm not glad that other mamas are suffering, but I am so thankful to know I am not alone and there are those with success stories to keep me on the road to recovery :)

I'm sorry if my recent struggles have come through in this blog. I never meant it to be an outlet...
It was supposed to be my way of sharing what I love, enjoy , and learn.
I do know however, that this is me and this blog is about me and my life, so for now...I'm just going to write what feels right. I hope there will be more sharing and laughter in the coming months.
Thank you for being there and if you feel that you must move on...I understand.

As for me I'm going to spend the weekend loving on this family of mine.........


ETA...it's saturday morning and I wanted to add something real quick.
I slept last night. Wow...the first time on a while.
I just wanted to clarify that right now my Dr, therapists etc....well right now we are still trying to determine if I'm suffering from PPD or PMDD.
Either way I feel it's pretty much the same, with the exception of when... and I will be taking the same path.....