Saturday, September 26, 2009

Weekend goodness

Sewing always calms me.

I whipped up this tee from our favorite Ottobre pattern....pants to follow soon :)

The terracotta fabric is, love it so very soft and cozy

I just adore this picture of his little buddha belly :)

Feel good mail always comes at just the right time.

We've been working on cleaning up the garden for fall....the plants are tired and it's time for new ones.
I gathered up veggies of all shapes, sizes and colors and roasted them.
Roasting brings out such sweetness. Just the thing I needed to feel better.

Pumkin, fennel, zucchini, leeks, onions, red pepper, sweet potato, french fingerlings, basil, tomatoes, parsnips, celery.........

Speaking of feeling better. My girlie girl is ill.
She's been fighting a pretty yucky cold....poor thing.
Lucky her, she is using her time wisely and working her way through many of her thrifted books and drinking tea. Perhaps it is just the break she needed.
Now if only I could help her little nose to feel better.

Been snuggling on the couch working on an elongated stitch scarf....I have got to get this knitting thing to feel natural....

Guess what I'm making?

Friday, September 25, 2009

Where did I go, the mama I knew

I just read a post over at greenmamma about "how her life got all shitty"
She is struggling with post partum depression.
Well..... I'm right there with her.
I've tried to keep it to myself and it's just not working.
I've been suffereing since I was pregnant with my little guy.
Do you know how long that is? Four years.
It finally got so bad I sought medical attention.

I truly love where I am. These woods are magical to me....the wildlife, the wind in the treetops, the stream that trickles through out property...the pond.
Oh my garden how I love it...but somedays, somedays I just want to walk into the woods and never look back.

I'm not myself. I'm having trouble sleeping. It doesn't come.
Sometimes my brain won't process. I will sit here and try to think, yet my mind just goes in circles making no sense of anything.
I can start one hundred projects and not finish even one.

The frightening days are the ones when the fear and anxiety take over.....oh yes those are the days when I cry out to anyone who will listen not to leave me here alone with the children.

Why didn't I seek help sooner?
I didn't know what I was suffering with.
I've had some health issues in the past four years.
I imagine that those issues just made this depression worse. Only I didn't realize it. Now that I'm well physically.....I'm not well at all.
When I was pregnant with my son I was suffering some kidney problems...the nephrologist had me scared to death. By the time my son was born things were scary and I was so worried I wouldn't be here to raise him or my other kiddos.
In the end after a difficult birth we were all ok.

As the days passed I knew something was off....I didn't bond with my son...looking into his eyes I felt uncomfortable. I did continue to nurse him until he was over two years old. Due to medical reasons I had to stop cold turkey. That was one of the most emotionally painful things I have ever done.

I have been staying home with my children for ten years.
Ten years with few(none) friends and too much stress.

The children all have issues of their own. Worry seemed to be all I knew.
Cancer,serious allergies, emotional issues, behavior issues, the loss of a daddy, suicide was just too overwhelming....these were not things that were supposed to occur in childhood. My kids were suppose to have it easy, waking with a smile and falling asleep at night with the same. They were supposed to remain innocent and perfect.
No one ever told me how it could be.

Now I have a plan, support, and the strength to say that I can't do it alone.
It's slow going and I don't have huge expectations of myself.
For now I'm just trying to get through the next five minutes.

I'm not glad that other mamas are suffering, but I am so thankful to know I am not alone and there are those with success stories to keep me on the road to recovery :)

I'm sorry if my recent struggles have come through in this blog. I never meant it to be an outlet...
It was supposed to be my way of sharing what I love, enjoy , and learn.
I do know however, that this is me and this blog is about me and my life, so for now...I'm just going to write what feels right. I hope there will be more sharing and laughter in the coming months.
Thank you for being there and if you feel that you must move on...I understand.

As for me I'm going to spend the weekend loving on this family of mine.........'s saturday morning and I wanted to add something real quick.
I slept last night. Wow...the first time on a while.
I just wanted to clarify that right now my Dr, therapists etc....well right now we are still trying to determine if I'm suffering from PPD or PMDD.
Either way I feel it's pretty much the same, with the exception of when... and I will be taking the same path.....

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Structure and Discipline

Does anyone have any to spare. I seriously need a dose of each.
I've now been staying home with my kiddos for ten years....yep...ten whole long years :)

I've gotten to the point where I do what I like. Problem is that nothing gets done.
I start a million and one projects and more often than not, they don't get finished.
We need a plan. If anybody has any good advice I would love to hear it.

I'm tempted to begin some sort of chore board for myself. Perhaps a reward system is in order. All my chores done...woohoo a trip to the seed company alone etc...

When I was a child I always told myself that when I grew up I would do what I want when I want. You know.....honestly...(good thing my mom doesn't read this) isn't half as gratifying "being my own boss" as I had envisioned it to be :)

I also need a plan for my little guy. He still has another year before school starts. If I have to spend another year here looking at these trees for half the day, well then I might just go bonkers. I love my son, yet talking to a four year old and no one else day in and day out might not be the healthiest lifestyle.
"What's that you say...Obama is President? Why no I didn't know that...but did you know Hannah Montana is really the daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus...oh remember his cute little dance and his mullet?" and Blah dee blah dee blah.

My most recent plan is to volunteer at the local community center.
I'm off to find out about that in the morning. conversation.

This weekend is canning weekend. Finally..suddenly... I have red tomatoes, hundreds and hundreds of them.
My plan is salsa, ketchup, spaghetti sauce, tomatoe sauce, etc.....oh fun fun.

To our suprise a sweet little chick was born. A black ball of feathers and cute as can be. Now how to protect him or her from the cranky bossy hens.

It's almost garlic planting time.

I've been working on a few quilt blocks.......

thrift store find for my girlie girl and I to have tea time.

Have a great weekend.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

I'm not ready

Yellow, mellow, ripened days,
Sheltered in a golden coating;
O'er the dreamy, listless haze,
White and dainty cloudlets floating;
Winking at the blushing trees,
And the sombre, furrowed fallow;
Smiling at the airy ease,
Of the southward flying swallow
Sweet and smiling are thy ways,
Beauteous, golden Autumn days.
Will Carleton

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Finding time to be creative

I've been sewing a bit here and there.
Four of my five sweet little ones have birthdays coming up.
Funny that I only have one baby born in the spring ;)

I began this girlie quilt for my girlie girl.

School starts tomorrow. What ever will I do with myself.
Well...Ive got a plan.
The little man and I are going to begin an adventure.....
I thought perhaps we would explore all the local shops, farms, fishing spots, and go anywhere else our hearts desire.

I refuse to spend another fall and winter sitting out here looking at these trees.
Do not get me wrong. We love our woods, but once you begin talking to the trees it is perhaps time to get out a bit more.

The deer have ruined my winter garden plans. They are so petite that they find their way into my garden again and again.
I picture them scaling the fence and sqeezing though the top wires like some kind of contortionist.

I've been harvesting much from the garden. The tomatoes are finally ripe and I will be canning all sorts of yummy tomatoey goodness soon.
Our home is surrounded by blackberries as well mmmmmmmmmmmmmm.............
I think I will be trapped in my kitchen with the canner for much of the next two months :) happily so I might add.

the leeks have gone to seed

To find a yoga class for mama and little one would makes my dreams come true.
Sadly there is nothing like that to be found as of yet.

I believe a trip to the ocean is next on my to do list.
A camping trip would be a good thing.
One of these days I'd like to go on an all girls camping weekend.
Pure girlie giggly fun and creativity.

I apologise for all of my previous woes me posts. I've really been struggling, but with the help of a sweet new nurse...I think I can keep my emotions and complaints in check ;p

A recent trip to the thrift and I've a few new treasures. I believe it might have been my favorite trip to date.

I will add pitures in a bit....this must be the busy time for blogger....I usually post at night when the house is sleeping.
This morning was the first day of high school for my first born.
I was up early harassing her with my nikon in her lovely little face :)

Have a beautiful day.

Lovely thrift store find.......whimsical paintings pair LOVE them so much!!!!

Singer 185. Isn't she the sweetest shade of green. Reminds me of mint.

Monday, September 7, 2009


Finding balance here tonight.
There has been this struggle taking place inside of me.
I read many of them and kept asking myself why my life couldn't be more like theirs.

Think I've figured it out. It's about balance.
Yes I would like a calm serene family setting.

To find my kiddos lounging around playing with their waldorf toys...reading...talking...laughing...
Heres my reality check.

I have five kids. 5. 12345

It's just not going to happen.

The two teens came into my house already set in their own ways.
Selfish, angry, snotty, uppity, know-it-all ways :)
The little ones have been learning from them.

I'm working on changing all of that. It's my mission.

I found my balance here, or rather realised it was already in existence.
I'm face down on the massage table and my therapist says to me...
"Amy, I think you have a wonderful life. You've got it all under control. When you come in you always have fun stories to share and you laugh often when you're telling them. Yep...I think you've got something special"

It dawned on me right then.
Everything is going to be ok.
We are not perfect.
There are wrestling screaming tickling fighting biting scratching name calling events that take place in my house.
And it's ok.

Oh and hey....we all kiss and say I love you at bedtime...all is forgiven.