Seeing green

Isn't it funny when you figure out at 35 that you have just become a grown up?
I'm loving the older more understanding and accepting me and my family and the saturation of the colors outside and thoughts that are all new to me.
I didn't know that you never stop being amazed by what you thought you always knew, but learn more about as you get older......and when it hits that you are still learning....am I making sense? Probably not, but I am so thrilled to be alive and at this stage in my life.

We have been spending all our time outside. I'm seeing green......and pink
(those bubblegum dogwoods take my breath away), and white, and purple, and blue, and yellow and orange.......









Oatstraw infusion. I don't like it so much. I do drink my nettles 24-7

Messenger

My work is loving the world.
Here the sunflowers, there the hummingbird —
equal seekers of sweetness.
Here the quickening yeast; there the blue plums.
Here the clam deep in the speckled sand.

Are my boots old? Is my coat torn?
Am I no longer young, and still not half-perfect? Let me
keep my mind on what matters,
which is my work,

which is mostly standing still and learning to be
astonished.
The phoebe, the delphinium.
The sheep in the pasture, and the pasture.
Which is mostly rejoicing, since all ingredients are here,

which is gratitude, to be given a mind and a heart
and these body-clothes,
a mouth with which to give shouts of joy
to the moth and the wren, to the sleepy dug-up clam,
telling them all, over and over, how it is
that we live forever.

~Mary Oliver~

dream homes

I will get better photos when the sun is shining and my girls aren't hiding inside.
It's been nearly two weeks. They've stopped laying.
I shall be patient. They were free range and had a coop of mansion proportions.
Now I must remember to move them around as much as possible so they have variety in bugs and greens. This was supposed to be a chicken tractor.
If it were about 250 lbs less I would call it such. Heheh.
We've had rain, rain and more rain. Oh and I don't let me forget to mention the rain.
At this rate, my veggies had better be 50 feet tall :)


My seedlings are growing like weeds (which some are haha)
If only I could unearth my sewing machines from the mountain of bins that came from my sewing room. No sewing room here, just a laundry room with a table.
I don't mind.

Here's a secret. The home we loved and wanted so badly.... It just came back on the market. "A personal issue" we were told as it's only been sold for a few months.
We toured it again with an agent and I helplessly find myself more in love with it than I was before.

It's walls were stripped down to the original paper and floors. Some floors were removed and many "upgrades" were torn out.
I believe the new owner had the same visions as I.
He removed all the same things I would have.
On the back door is an old bell.
Were it possible to fall in love with a home for the door ringer alone, I would surely have done so. This home as it did before, calls out to me.
It caresses my fingertips as I run my hand across the wall, cushions my feet as I gently tiptoe across the timeworn hardwood floors, whispers my name in a "whoosh" as I open yet another door.

As I stand and gaze from the window I feel as if I'd been there before, looking out the window in another time. The flow seems familiar as though I'd roamed the halls a hundred times before in the near darkness of dusk.

I seem to recall the light of dawn in the sunroom and I swear I can smell grass moist with dew.

Stepping down into the basement, in my minds eye I see rows of canned goods, shelves of vegetables and fruits, baskets hanging on the walls, tools, old furniture and oddly a wedding dress tattered and torn, tossed over an old chair as if it were held and examined again and again.
Focusing now on the chair, into my view comes a shapely arm and two curvy legs, a worn seat with tufts of horsehair falling from the side, a spring having worked it's way through the faded fabric, dusty pink, perhaps brilliant red at one time.

I hear children laughing and realize they are my own. They've found joy in the stairs. The stairs come down into the parlour as well as near the kitchen. You have a choice of where you want to end up. The house is three stories, four if you want to count the basement. There are nooks, crannies and built ins, hiding places in every room. It seems enchanted.

The living room is enormous with a fireplace and original carved mantel.
Our master bedroom above mirrors the living room.
There is a small butler pantry in the dining room and a small office near the study/library.

I won't continue to bore you with the details, unless of course by some miracle we are blessed with the home. Then you may here endless stories of house love.
It's a good day.

Hello Spring...love of my life

Is it spring yet? Perhaps not, but the trees and flowers tell me it is.
I'm with them. I use to say that fall was my favorite season. Well since moving to the Pacific Northwest...I take it back. Winters here are dreadful. Anything leading up to winter just reminds me of winter, LOL.
So spring and summer I adore you, please stay forever. Spring summer and repeat....
I know winter is the period of rest and renewal for plants, but I can wish.

Today was spent lovingly building herb/planter boxes and putting up a fence.
Our new place sits beside a river. The fence is for the safety of my kiddos, mostly the adventurous little man. I will have many herbs as I usually do, but this time they will be steps from the kitchen and slug/snail free(I'm hoping).
I will also separate the medicinals from the rest. My kiddos enjoy picking their own herbs and tossing them into whatever it may be at the moment from basil on bread to mint in teas.....therefore I'd like to have one that is off limits so they don't ingest something by mistake, not that I have anything that would harm them (I'm far to careful for that), but just in case.

I'm enjoying the feeling of working with my hands. The scent of the cedar combined with the scent of the moist cool earth has been an amazing way to welcome spring.
The dirt here is truly wonderful, so dark and rich, so much so that it reminds me of chocolate fudge cake. The wigglers poking their parts out here and there take away all temptation to eat it, lol, but I have been holding some up to my nose and inhaling, taking great pleasure in doing so.

It's been a long time since I've found a moment to kneel upon the grass and peer down into the "goings ons" of the earth.
My best friend and I use lay in the clover when we were girls. While the other kids were playing on the playground equipment, she and I were laying on our tummies at the edge of the playground. It was near a farmers field right next to a narrow ditch. I recall the sound of the trickle of the water and the grass waving as the water passed over it.
We were poking around in the clover and making discoveries such as blossoms, tiny clumps of earth, roly polys, inchworms, ants and sucking on the end of a blade of grass to compare the sweetness. Oh those were the days...................

The boxes will be around the edges of the deck. There is no railing so this really helps to keep the kids from jumping off. It's a bit of a drop and I'd rather them not break a limb.

I have not seen my camera in ages. It once went everywhere I did. As of late I feel a bit more freedom and spend less time focused on the kids or what I can photograph.
I'm trying to live for myself as well as raise them. I'm remembering my goals and hopes, wishes, dreams ;)

Life has truly been wonderful this last month. I've been more busy that I've been in ages, but it's been nice. The hustle and bustle I so enjoy.
We've been gone from the woods for one week. I miss it, yet I feel so ready for this change. Regardless of where we live in this area...we are in the woods, but now it won't be quite so literal.

We will keep a handful of our hens, but the roosters will need homes as they aren't allowed in town. Our bunny was set free ages ago and I have never seen a more content fellow. The neighbor told us that he visits them often. He looks very healthy and seems to grin. I didn't have the heart to put him back in the hutch and force him to live a life in town.
I will post photos of all the things we have been working on as soon as I unearth my nikon. I purchased a point and shoot a few weeks ago so I could slip it into my pocket....maybe I can snap a few with it tomorrow.

My sewing machines are all packed. We are lucky enough to have a very large laundry room. I was able to put a good size table in there for all of my machines.
The fabric is piled sky high in bins.....lol...shame on me for all of that fabric.

We are happy and I do believe things are falling into place as they were meant to be.
I'm seeing much more of friends and I'm also able to feel more comfortable alone outdoors. The kids can't roam as far away from me. We have a large enough yard for a huge garden and room to play. I'm so excited.

I will admit that after hauling bricks today I was tired and my heart was racing....I sat down on a lounge chair and leaned back. I looked up to the sky and my breath caught in my throat. It is just as beautiful as it was at our old home. Did I expect it to be any different? I must have, but happily it was blue and gorgeous and there was more of it to enjoy as the trees aren't as dense in town. We are still surrounded by berries, which pleases the kids to no end.

This house is old. I believe it was built around 1910 or so.
It needs a whole lot of work, and since we don't own it (yet), I don't plan to make many improvements inside, but outside I will work night and day, happily....humming to myself and being thankful for all I have been blessed with.

A pleasant discovery was made today. When I am running the drill or the saw is squealing, I hear no children fighting or complaining. They were trying so hard and I saw their mouths moving, but heard only the peaceful whine of power tools....I thought I was in heaven. ROFLMAO....heehee. It was only for a moment. A moment sent as a gift from heaven in exchange for all of my stress filled days, HAHA!

A New Beginning

Lets get to the facts.
A young man who was quite close to a certain member of my family came out to our place and ended his life.
My husband found the young man as he came home from work.
Not one member of my family escaped the hurt and confusion.
It's been traumatic to say the least.
I cried myself to sleep for over a week. I sat with my child as she cried and asked me why. A question which I could never answer.
I walked into the woods screamed, cried, raised my face to the sky as it rained and asked the same questions myself....why?

Almost a month has passed now and life is just getting back to normal...."normal" as if there is such a thing.
My teenage daughter is now homeschooled.
We are leaving this place to move into a house in town.
I will say goodbye to my chickens and to this way of life.
However....I can garden anywhere.

Our new home is on the river and as I sit on the deck I can close my eyes and fall into a peaceful state of relaxation as the water finds a rhythm and my worries are forgotten for the moment.
I'm closer to the thrift stores.
My best friend lives only blocks away.
We can travel to the park, store, school,bowling alley etc...all within minutes and even on our bikes.
And finally.....we can get a FREE library card :)

oh.....and perhaps now I can step outside without thinking a cougar is peering at me through the trees just waiting to pounce and eat me for breakfast.

Yes indeed I am excited for this new life.

Crying

Thank you to all of our friends who have left comments and emailed.

To clarify, the loss was not one of my children.

I'd like to share the story, but as I've been crying off and on all day, today will not be the day.
We are healing and getting back into the swing of everyday life. It seems almost surreal and I'm still stuck on "why" yet I know that I cannot stop living.

Last thursday was my "me" day. It was a girls day out shopping, exploring and welcoming a new life in a new place.
We were sitting in a cafe and watching the news about Haiti. Numbness is what I felt then.....I thought what can I do? There is a tendency in me to distance myself from pain.....my companion and I, we spoke of those who carry the weight of the world on their shoulders.

that night turned out to be one of the worst in my life.

I've cried for one week. I've cried, screamed, slept, begged, prayed, laughed, lost my breath, hugged my children tighter than ever, pushed them away like never before, threatened to walk away from my life and finally opened my heart to all the pain in the world and let all the hurt, anger, confusion and frustration pour out.

I cry. That's my new hobby. But you know what? It helps.

This blog has never become as it was intended.
It seems more of a diary of sorts and list of to do...it was the ear of a friend, a shoulder to cry on....the place to laugh and share about my family.

not sure if I will be back or begin fresh with another blog....sticking to some rules about over sharing :) just don't know right now

I want to give and that isn't what I've been doing. I surely don't want to give sadness.


2010 was supposed to be my fresh start :)
I'm a believer in things happening for a reasona and that there is already a plan....I'm just trying to stay on the right path....

Tragedy

Our lives have been touched by tragedy. Suicide.
I've yet to understand or get past the question Why?
As for me right now I'm dealing with it in my own way, we all have our own way with grief.