Today I worry

I've been worried ever since I gave birth to my first baby and today that is the same child who my heart aches for. Ok, I'm a worrier and my heart aches for all five of them, but my teens cause me excessive stress and anxiety.

You see.....they weren't raised by me.....long story short.......I brought them home a while back and they are troubled.
My younger children are often confused and saddened over how my teens are.......but we all love them.....try to understand...

Several months ago my daughter had an accident. Today we have an appointment to see how her organs, body, etc... are healing. She has been in severe pain these last couple weeks.

When she eats she feels ill right away. She has pain and she can't relax enough to sleep well.



I have my fingers and toes crossed that the Dr. will say all is well and that she has simple growing pains. Oh geeze do I hope that's what the Dr. will tell us.

She needs to be strong so she can love her new bunny,



Do me a favor and keep her in your thoughts- thank you. xoxo

Thinking Breathing Listening

These days I find more joy in today....I don't drift as much looking for peace.
I honestly feel that I have never found more happiness or been more content with life.


Today we went for a bike ride.......the bike trail is an old railroad....through the forest, cool and along the lake......smells of childhood campouts.........my little man in my bike basket...holding on for dear life.....but smiling.....grinning from ear to ear....

As we rode there came a bend in the path...we didn't know what was to be found around that corner...I said aloud to my family...it's like a quote isn't it.....or rather many quotes........

Then I thought about how very different my life is now than when I was younger.
I grew up feeling unloved, with an abusive stepfather and I was always alone....
Then I moved out when I was 16....lived the wild party girl life.......and now, now I live the life I always dreamed of.

I have everything I have ever needed and longed for......Love, acceptance, trust, faith.............

Over the last year I have been amazed at the fact that I am still growing, learning, changing, and now healing.....who knew. I use to be afraid of aging. Now I look forward to it.
This is truly a path that I am thankful to be on. The one of spiritual growth. It's as if as you grow older you become more childlike......


Tonight was disturbing. My son is struggling. He fought cancer and won, yet he is struggling with demons that I don't understand.
They told us that there has been a study done on the children that went through the treatment he did and those children are dealing with anger issues. I'll say that's an understatement.
My son has violent outbursts out of nowhere. It brings tears to my eyes and a terrible pain to my heart. He screams and weeps, goes on a tirade throughout the house, destroying everything in his path with the power of a natural disaster. It's painful to watch.
In the end when it's over I lay down next to him and wrap my arms around him pressing my lips to his hair and telling him calmly that everything is going to be ok, quietly talking to him or sometimes just laying there holding him tightly, all until his breathing slows back to normal and his heart stops pounding. God. I use to pray to take his place when he was ill. I'd do it now as well. There's a storm brewing inside him.
I'm frightened for him.
I'm going to be taking him to counseling. I thought I could heal him with love patience and understanding, but I don't believe it now. I have never in my life seen such anger and frustration come from such a small child. I don't understand it at all.
I'm doing some research on stones that promote healing, emotional wellness, inner peace, etc.... just for kicks and because just maybe I believe in such things. I will do anything for my child. All my children. I'm open to any advice.

My boy and me

Is it Spring yet?

Madness.....that's what it's been like around here.

Sometimes I find no words that make sense...no matter how I try, lol....it's this theory I have about childbirth and brain cells...but it's my story, heheh.

My seedlings are reaching, reaching, reaching their little necks out for some sunshine, only it's not to be found. Gray skies....that's all we've had.

Veggie seedlings

This morning my little man woke me up and said "mama it snowed", sure enough.....outside was a blanket of white. Crazy Oregon weather.

Thought I would again share some pics of recent goings on.

Got the chance to sew up a pair of gardening gloves from Weekend Sewing, did I already mention that? It's so not easy to photograph ones own hand with only 50mm or 85 mm lenses ;)

Once I had a fabric stash the nearly size of Canada(no joke), but slowly it's been shrinking...it's hard to see some of it go, yet we really needed to put the money toward immediate needs.

not much left in the way of hard to finds and what I do have...is for me.

This is probably not even an 1\8 of my stash

These are my knits. Some of them, lol.

You can't see the lower shelves of all eco fabrics, my hemp jerseys etc........ love love love those.....you can find them here.

I was very selfish and frivolous.....not there anymore... I've had this stash for a few years...

Favorite Vw's....love VW's and someday I'm going to have a real one, not barbie sized :)

short sleeve camp shirts

My reliable workhorse....rocketeer

My baby..featherweight

I'm looking forward to some princess and the pea fabric soon to make the girls some nightgowns.

Heather Ross's far far away line.

I haven't been buying fabric......sort of learned my lesson and am far too frugal these days to pay much for fabric unless it's for a special occasion or something much needed.

Too often I would buy and hoard all the popular fabrics and I wouldn't even sew them up.

Too afraid to cut into them.

I have more of a thing for vintage fabrics and even sheets...I cut those up with great joy.

We were able to rototill the garden spot a bit this past weekend before it starting pouring.

That's the plan for the coming week. Rototill and get the raised beds made.

I've made several tomato cages out of fencing I found out in the woods.

I also made some cute ladder type trellises out of limbs that were cut from the trees.

:) need to take pics of those.

Here are a few random pics.

mama made blueberry banana rice milk smoothies.....

These are little mushroom planters made of terracotta.



Newest member of our family.


Fresh eggs every morning.......

Plotting.......???????

Bad kitty (Don't worry, this doesn't happen anymore)

Likes to be the squirter, not the squirtee

You ever see that cartoon with the two bunnies...the "what?" one, lmao........

Stopping to smell the roses

My girlie went to a sleepover and we went to pick her up this morning.
The drive was lovely as it always is where ever we seem to go......breathtaking.
I have seen the V of birdies since I was a girl, but today.....today I was speechless.
The kids and I were so excited to look up and see for miles and miles nothing but flocks of geese.
It was magical.
I did not have my camera......shocking because I take it everywhere, but this was just a quick trip then back home to work.

I found this picture online so you could somewhat imagine what we saw.





There are more here
http://www.flickr.com/search/?q=geese+migration

I know it's just an everyday thing to many, but since moving here I have found the beauty of everyday life. I'm trying to have the same wonderment the kids have....oh it has been awesome.

On finding my love of cooking

For a few years I was lost. The me I knew. She stumbled and fell and it was like that old commercial....you know..come on...."I've fallen and I can't get up"

Yes I am so an 80's, early 90's child. I still say some of those uncool words too and I'm not going to tell you what they are cause that would be like so bogus and I don't want to like gag you with a spoon or anything.

I was sick and I refused to do anything..oh and I wanted everyone to help me and give me advice but I had a hundred and one excuses why I couldn't do anything.

I stopped baking and cooking. My husband went into shock, lol, ok not really...but he wasn't a happy camper.

Well anyway long(old)story short....I am cooking and baking up a storm these days.

I've found my groove.

As I should have been all along, I'm teaching the kids to make all of the things my grandad, great gramma, and mom taught me to make.

This was our latest adventure in cooking.

Homemade chicken egg noodle soup.

I promise no chickens were harmed in the making of this soup.

Well...none belonging to us anyway, lol.

We considered buying some broiler chickens, but we all agreed that not one of us is man enough to do the dirty work..... ;) Besides...we cuddle our chickens too much to consider them dinner.

Hello Sunshine

He was determined.

The days have been warmer and I have been working outside as long as there is light.
Our garden is marked off and ready for the organic soil/compost we have coming today.
Trees have been trimmed, the sunshine is filtering through and the grass is reaching up ever so sweetly and slowly........the moss has taken over the yard, but I there is hope.

I will share pictures today as I have a million and twenty two things to do.

I will say that I splurged and purhcased Weekend Sewing and Artisan bread in 5 minutes a day.........as soon as I pulled them from the box I was in love.....I'm not kidding you.......


Oops I need to run......promise I'll be back tonight to put the pics up....

Oh did I ever tell a lie, sheesh.......I have been swamped.

I am buried in chicks and seedlings... ;)

It's suntea season....WOOHOO

Iced mint green tea (apple mint, yum)

He likes it. :) and he deserves it as he's been working hard on the property.

New books.......I saved up for these two......it was excruciating, but I am learning to be frugal.

I'm doing a good job too.

Blogger ate it. Seriously, it did.

I'm so frustrated and I'm holding a grudge for a bit.

Until then......I'm building raised beds and putting up deer netting.

My seedlings are all doing very well.

For the most part anyway.

There sun has been scarce. The broccoli is rebelling. :)

The hoophouse will go up next August.

I figured out that I don't need it right now anyway and that I need to put more effort into keeping the deer out of my garden.

We now have 28 chickens.

A few chicken tractors are next on the list.

It's going to be a very busy spring.