Where I find joy

There have been many days over the last four years when I have been unable to find joy on my own...
Don't get me wrong. I love my family witha all of my heart and soul. Yet for 14 long years I have been mama and a mama at that who answers to everyone but herself.
Finally I was able to look inside myself and was thrilled to discover I'm still in there, lol.


The darkest days when I was so ill....those were the days when I finally told myself I needed to look outside of my own life....look for hope, inspiration, a happiness that would perhaps be contagious.


Would you believe I found it rather quickly....so I would like to share with you what or rather whom I found.

She is a lovely lady who has been breathing life into me for years now without the knowledge of doing so.
Often there were days when she inspired me to get out of bed or out of the house...to put on a pretty frock or buy some shiny red shoes....yes I think I've quite fallen in love with her...I want to be just like her when I grow up....oh yes....too late for that isn't it...well either way I adore her so very much.
I would like to point you in her direction...perhaps you need her as I once did...to give you back your joie de vivre :)

Graygoosie

graygoosie on youtube

She reminds me that I am alive now...I am able to bring pretty things into my life and enjoy things I love.....yes there are rough days for us all, but I have learned to treasure the good days, the great days, the absolutely best days ever :)
Yes indeed..those days are what I live for.

I share her love of thrifting and bright loveliness.
This morning I told my hubby, "I look forward to the days when it is just you and I...when the kids have families of their own and we are able to do as we please."
DO you know what he said? "What for? Then you would have only me to tell what to do and yell at"......hahahahahahahaha, lol. Am I such a shrew then? Perhaps I am.
Is that not proof I need more me time? Yes, a new goal of mine. Me time.



I'm still here in bed. Sleep eludes me as I listen to the symphony of coughing coming from the childrens' rooms. We will get better soon. If nothing else it has been a good week of love and togetherness.

Later today I will post some of my favorite links.

genius

The dreaded flu

It's here....three of my five little ones has the flu.
Fun for sure. I will be offline for a bit...trying to be the best mama I'm able to be. I'm fighting something, but no fever and no cough so I'm hoping it's just a cold.

Perhaps all this down time will help me to finish my embroidery project for the hand stitched swap.

I'm sorry to be so boring lately. I'd lke to skip fall, winter and spring and head right back into summer.....and I'm a fall lover....but I digress....I will be sewing several projects soon....all coming along rather slowly :)

I will be thinking of all my blogging friends as I lay here in bed watching becoming jane, pride and prejudice, sense and sensibility, jane eyre,
miss austen regrets...... and whatever more I can manage to find time for :)


ETA....well today I found time for Lost in Austen and Wives and Daughters..... :)

Ready for the weekend

What a week.

I'm exhausted

Here is my week in photos

Snuggling on the couch

This is where I am. Snuggled up with my little guy on the couch under a fluffy blanket of down......wishing I had finished his quilt.

The oral surgery went well. Several hours later and he is almost himself again....save for the pain and a little bit of the evil eye pointed in my direction every now and then :)
As if I'm the bad guy...I was crying like a big baby when they held that mask on his little face. He has bruising from the anestesia mask, he was fighting good.
A bundle of nerves is what I was until they placed him in my arms....then all was well.

Hope everyone is holding tight to someone they love tonight.

Getting to know me

That is precisely what I have been doing as of late.
I'm getting to know myself....my likes, dislikes...little quirks(or big ones)*giggle*
Time to myself with no little children tagging along .....it's so very odd, feels a bit off.
The first day was heavenly. Although first thing in the morning I was bouncing off the walls with excitement...it then led to trepidation and then to the realization that I had absolutely no idea what to do with myself, but toward the end of the day I could breathe and felt confident in the fact that I will have more days alone to do as I please.

I do love my children with all of my heart. Being without them was indeed a new experience and I was uncertain at first, but now I am confident that this time to myself...to live my life and have personal time.... is exactly what this mama needs.

Future days to myself will be filled with.............
adventures with Jane Austen, thrifting, sewing for myself, movies, trips to the library, perhaps a foray into town to visit the little vintage shops....knitting, tall glasses of rice milk decaf caramel mochas ;)
I'm not spending all of this time alone, but rather free from my lovely little ones.
Mama time :)
Who knew that time to think and room to breathe was so very crucial for a healthy life. I thought showering and yelling at children through the door at the same time was the norm. *wink wink*

The next step....finding time for my love. Alone time to be a lovey and smoochee.

I'm working on several projects, and might I say I bit off more than I can probably chew :p
First is the handstitched embroidery swap over at flickr as well as the pillow swap.....a few crochet this and that as christmas gifts...a bit of knitting...a cradle with home sewn mattress and linens...some nightgowns with matching dollie gowns...etc......like I said...more than I should have taken on.

A movie is in our foreseeable future...
The kiddos and hubby are going to see G.I. Joe......(eyeball roll)
Myself I would rather see Bright Star







I do believe I was born in the wrong era. I have felt this since I was a girl.
The dependence on technology worries me, as it grows more so each day and the truth of the damage already done causes me great guilt. I long for a simpler time.....but here I am and here I will remain for the time being.

.... on a high note...I met a new friend...someone more like myself than I would ever have wished for.....she's simply perfect and I adore her already.

Yes, I am finding that I rather like myself.

P.S.
Myself that I am rather liking(but should perhaps be kicking in the derrière) took the liberty of buying for her special birthday girl (15 in one month)
a teeny tiny white freckled trembly teacup chihuahua :)

Weekend goodness

Sewing always calms me.

I whipped up this tee from our favorite Ottobre pattern....pants to follow soon :)


The terracotta fabric is hemp...love, love it so very much...so soft and cozy




I just adore this picture of his little buddha belly :)




Feel good mail always comes at just the right time.













We've been working on cleaning up the garden for fall....the plants are tired and it's time for new ones.
I gathered up veggies of all shapes, sizes and colors and roasted them.
Roasting brings out such sweetness. Just the thing I needed to feel better.

Pumkin, fennel, zucchini, leeks, onions, red pepper, sweet potato, french fingerlings, basil, tomatoes, parsnips, celery.........




Speaking of feeling better. My girlie girl is ill.
She's been fighting a pretty yucky cold....poor thing.
Lucky her, she is using her time wisely and working her way through many of her thrifted books and drinking tea. Perhaps it is just the break she needed.
Now if only I could help her little nose to feel better.

Been snuggling on the couch working on an elongated stitch scarf....I have got to get this knitting thing to feel natural....

Guess what I'm making?

Where did I go, the mama I knew

I just read a post over at greenmamma about "how her life got all shitty"
She is struggling with post partum depression.
Well..... I'm right there with her.
I've tried to keep it to myself and it's just not working.
I've been suffereing since I was pregnant with my little guy.
Do you know how long that is? Four years.
It finally got so bad I sought medical attention.

I truly love where I am. These woods are magical to me....the wildlife, the wind in the treetops, the stream that trickles through out property...the pond.
Oh my garden how I love it...but somedays, somedays I just want to walk into the woods and never look back.

I'm not myself. I'm having trouble sleeping. It doesn't come.
Sometimes my brain won't process. I will sit here and try to think, yet my mind just goes in circles making no sense of anything.
I can start one hundred projects and not finish even one.

The frightening days are the ones when the fear and anxiety take over.....oh yes those are the days when I cry out to anyone who will listen not to leave me here alone with the children.

Why didn't I seek help sooner?
I didn't know what I was suffering with.
I've had some health issues in the past four years.
I imagine that those issues just made this depression worse. Only I didn't realize it. Now that I'm well physically.....I'm not well at all.
When I was pregnant with my son I was suffering some kidney problems...the nephrologist had me scared to death. By the time my son was born things were scary and I was so worried I wouldn't be here to raise him or my other kiddos.
In the end after a difficult birth we were all ok.

As the days passed I knew something was off....I didn't bond with my son...looking into his eyes I felt uncomfortable. I did continue to nurse him until he was over two years old. Due to medical reasons I had to stop cold turkey. That was one of the most emotionally painful things I have ever done.

I have been staying home with my children for ten years.
Ten years with few(none) friends and too much stress.

The children all have issues of their own. Worry seemed to be all I knew.
Cancer,serious allergies, emotional issues, behavior issues, the loss of a daddy, suicide attempts...it was just too overwhelming....these were not things that were supposed to occur in childhood. My kids were suppose to have it easy, waking with a smile and falling asleep at night with the same. They were supposed to remain innocent and perfect.
No one ever told me how it could be.


Now I have a plan, support, and the strength to say that I can't do it alone.
It's slow going and I don't have huge expectations of myself.
For now I'm just trying to get through the next five minutes.


I'm not glad that other mamas are suffering, but I am so thankful to know I am not alone and there are those with success stories to keep me on the road to recovery :)

I'm sorry if my recent struggles have come through in this blog. I never meant it to be an outlet...
It was supposed to be my way of sharing what I love, enjoy , and learn.
I do know however, that this is me and this blog is about me and my life, so for now...I'm just going to write what feels right. I hope there will be more sharing and laughter in the coming months.
Thank you for being there and if you feel that you must move on...I understand.

As for me I'm going to spend the weekend loving on this family of mine.........


ETA...it's saturday morning and I wanted to add something real quick.
I slept last night. Wow...the first time on a while.
I just wanted to clarify that right now my Dr, therapists etc....well right now we are still trying to determine if I'm suffering from PPD or PMDD.
Either way I feel it's pretty much the same, with the exception of when... and I will be taking the same path.....