Hello Spring...love of my life

Is it spring yet? Perhaps not, but the trees and flowers tell me it is.
I'm with them. I use to say that fall was my favorite season. Well since moving to the Pacific Northwest...I take it back. Winters here are dreadful. Anything leading up to winter just reminds me of winter, LOL.
So spring and summer I adore you, please stay forever. Spring summer and repeat....
I know winter is the period of rest and renewal for plants, but I can wish.

Today was spent lovingly building herb/planter boxes and putting up a fence.
Our new place sits beside a river. The fence is for the safety of my kiddos, mostly the adventurous little man. I will have many herbs as I usually do, but this time they will be steps from the kitchen and slug/snail free(I'm hoping).
I will also separate the medicinals from the rest. My kiddos enjoy picking their own herbs and tossing them into whatever it may be at the moment from basil on bread to mint in teas.....therefore I'd like to have one that is off limits so they don't ingest something by mistake, not that I have anything that would harm them (I'm far to careful for that), but just in case.

I'm enjoying the feeling of working with my hands. The scent of the cedar combined with the scent of the moist cool earth has been an amazing way to welcome spring.
The dirt here is truly wonderful, so dark and rich, so much so that it reminds me of chocolate fudge cake. The wigglers poking their parts out here and there take away all temptation to eat it, lol, but I have been holding some up to my nose and inhaling, taking great pleasure in doing so.

It's been a long time since I've found a moment to kneel upon the grass and peer down into the "goings ons" of the earth.
My best friend and I use lay in the clover when we were girls. While the other kids were playing on the playground equipment, she and I were laying on our tummies at the edge of the playground. It was near a farmers field right next to a narrow ditch. I recall the sound of the trickle of the water and the grass waving as the water passed over it.
We were poking around in the clover and making discoveries such as blossoms, tiny clumps of earth, roly polys, inchworms, ants and sucking on the end of a blade of grass to compare the sweetness. Oh those were the days...................

The boxes will be around the edges of the deck. There is no railing so this really helps to keep the kids from jumping off. It's a bit of a drop and I'd rather them not break a limb.

I have not seen my camera in ages. It once went everywhere I did. As of late I feel a bit more freedom and spend less time focused on the kids or what I can photograph.
I'm trying to live for myself as well as raise them. I'm remembering my goals and hopes, wishes, dreams ;)

Life has truly been wonderful this last month. I've been more busy that I've been in ages, but it's been nice. The hustle and bustle I so enjoy.
We've been gone from the woods for one week. I miss it, yet I feel so ready for this change. Regardless of where we live in this area...we are in the woods, but now it won't be quite so literal.

We will keep a handful of our hens, but the roosters will need homes as they aren't allowed in town. Our bunny was set free ages ago and I have never seen a more content fellow. The neighbor told us that he visits them often. He looks very healthy and seems to grin. I didn't have the heart to put him back in the hutch and force him to live a life in town.
I will post photos of all the things we have been working on as soon as I unearth my nikon. I purchased a point and shoot a few weeks ago so I could slip it into my pocket....maybe I can snap a few with it tomorrow.

My sewing machines are all packed. We are lucky enough to have a very large laundry room. I was able to put a good size table in there for all of my machines.
The fabric is piled sky high in bins.....lol...shame on me for all of that fabric.

We are happy and I do believe things are falling into place as they were meant to be.
I'm seeing much more of friends and I'm also able to feel more comfortable alone outdoors. The kids can't roam as far away from me. We have a large enough yard for a huge garden and room to play. I'm so excited.

I will admit that after hauling bricks today I was tired and my heart was racing....I sat down on a lounge chair and leaned back. I looked up to the sky and my breath caught in my throat. It is just as beautiful as it was at our old home. Did I expect it to be any different? I must have, but happily it was blue and gorgeous and there was more of it to enjoy as the trees aren't as dense in town. We are still surrounded by berries, which pleases the kids to no end.

This house is old. I believe it was built around 1910 or so.
It needs a whole lot of work, and since we don't own it (yet), I don't plan to make many improvements inside, but outside I will work night and day, happily....humming to myself and being thankful for all I have been blessed with.

A pleasant discovery was made today. When I am running the drill or the saw is squealing, I hear no children fighting or complaining. They were trying so hard and I saw their mouths moving, but heard only the peaceful whine of power tools....I thought I was in heaven. ROFLMAO....heehee. It was only for a moment. A moment sent as a gift from heaven in exchange for all of my stress filled days, HAHA!

A New Beginning

Lets get to the facts.
A young man who was quite close to a certain member of my family came out to our place and ended his life.
My husband found the young man as he came home from work.
Not one member of my family escaped the hurt and confusion.
It's been traumatic to say the least.
I cried myself to sleep for over a week. I sat with my child as she cried and asked me why. A question which I could never answer.
I walked into the woods screamed, cried, raised my face to the sky as it rained and asked the same questions myself....why?

Almost a month has passed now and life is just getting back to normal...."normal" as if there is such a thing.
My teenage daughter is now homeschooled.
We are leaving this place to move into a house in town.
I will say goodbye to my chickens and to this way of life.
However....I can garden anywhere.

Our new home is on the river and as I sit on the deck I can close my eyes and fall into a peaceful state of relaxation as the water finds a rhythm and my worries are forgotten for the moment.
I'm closer to the thrift stores.
My best friend lives only blocks away.
We can travel to the park, store, school,bowling alley etc...all within minutes and even on our bikes.
And finally.....we can get a FREE library card :)

oh.....and perhaps now I can step outside without thinking a cougar is peering at me through the trees just waiting to pounce and eat me for breakfast.

Yes indeed I am excited for this new life.

Crying

Thank you to all of our friends who have left comments and emailed.

To clarify, the loss was not one of my children.

I'd like to share the story, but as I've been crying off and on all day, today will not be the day.
We are healing and getting back into the swing of everyday life. It seems almost surreal and I'm still stuck on "why" yet I know that I cannot stop living.

Last thursday was my "me" day. It was a girls day out shopping, exploring and welcoming a new life in a new place.
We were sitting in a cafe and watching the news about Haiti. Numbness is what I felt then.....I thought what can I do? There is a tendency in me to distance myself from pain.....my companion and I, we spoke of those who carry the weight of the world on their shoulders.

that night turned out to be one of the worst in my life.

I've cried for one week. I've cried, screamed, slept, begged, prayed, laughed, lost my breath, hugged my children tighter than ever, pushed them away like never before, threatened to walk away from my life and finally opened my heart to all the pain in the world and let all the hurt, anger, confusion and frustration pour out.

I cry. That's my new hobby. But you know what? It helps.

This blog has never become as it was intended.
It seems more of a diary of sorts and list of to do...it was the ear of a friend, a shoulder to cry on....the place to laugh and share about my family.

not sure if I will be back or begin fresh with another blog....sticking to some rules about over sharing :) just don't know right now

I want to give and that isn't what I've been doing. I surely don't want to give sadness.


2010 was supposed to be my fresh start :)
I'm a believer in things happening for a reasona and that there is already a plan....I'm just trying to stay on the right path....

Tragedy

Our lives have been touched by tragedy. Suicide.
I've yet to understand or get past the question Why?
As for me right now I'm dealing with it in my own way, we all have our own way with grief.

Looking Forward to 2010

So many things are on my list of goals for 2010.
It's truly been a rough year and I for one am glad it's behind us.
I've learned much.

The coming year I will welcome with an open mind and forgiving heart.
There are cob structures to be made, hoop houses to be built, walls to be painted, paths to be found, fears to conquer, friends to love, fancy chicken houses to be erected, treehouses to be repaired, pigs to raise, harvests to share,celebrations to enjoy, chickens to tame, doggies to train, children to love and teach, classes to attend, plants to grow, earth to dig, trees to trim, camping to do, friendships to strengthen, oneself to be found and embraced,laughter to be shared, sewing to be done for the family, farmers markets to frequent, and on and on.......

Yes I have high hopes for 2010.
If perhaps I'm able to live just a bit off the grid, then I will have accomplished one important goal :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!

Living and remembering a gypsy life

It's been quiet here, I know.
So much has been happening around me. It's seems as if lately life has been a flurry of activity.
Not good, not necessarily bad.
A birthday came and went.
I've always been an overthinker. I analyze and stress over whatever it may be at the moment. I'm trying to make major life changes.
Therefore.....I've been doing just that....doing.
Rather than thinking and researching, reading and concentrating, I just threw caution to the wind and I've been doing.

We've been spending more quality time as a family.
I'm considering school and I'm making changes within myself.

Here are the things I do know.
I want to farm. Growing things brings me the greatest joy.
Consumer is not what I want to be known as when I die.
Photography makes me happy.
Sewing gives me satisfaction.
My family is the light of my life.

I've been reading the books of Juliette de Bairacli Levy.
She seems to me to be an old friend.

There was once a time in my life when my friends and family would not have recognized me. There was a life I used to know that seems to never have been at all.
I lived on the banks of the columbia river. No house, no electricity, no running water. It was a primitive life. Aside from the time spent with my children, it was the happiest time of my life :)
A blogpost on that life will soon follow. I need to listen to my heart for a bit and remember things exactly as they were.

Tea and Change

Today was an amazing day. It was calm and productive.
I awoke to frost and rushed out to break ice for the animals and make sure everyone was safe.
Sadly I found that my favorite hen had been abducted by raccoons.




Walking into a pen of feathers is indeed sad.
She was missed during head count :(
I gathered up all the hoses and what not from the garden. It was put off day after day.
This is the reason I want to move to town. Less on my own shoulders.
Perhaps when the kids marry and have children of their own, I can live this lifestyle again :)

My son helped me to unwind soakers and lay them to thaw in the sun.
We cozied the bunny up in an empty chicken coop with water and food and lots of bedding. He was truly grinning at me when I left him.

The mint was still standing, only partially covered in frost. I brought a bit in(what I hadn't already harvested) and made mint tea. My son had been craving it and he was such a help this morning.





I sliced most of my ginger and put it in the dehydrator. The house smelled lovely of mint and ginger.



DO you recall I grew my own ginger this summer.
Put a root(or many) in some nice warm soil in a sunny loacation and it will thrive.
You can grow it indoors during the winter.
We always have ginger on hand. I keep it in the freezer and grate it over many a meal...a favorite being chicken and rice with garlic....mmmmmmmm.



I dry it for tea.
Tea is my new hobby. I've loved tea since I was girl. Back then it was Earl Grey and Constant Comment.

I grow my own herbs for tea and stevia for sweetening.



If I had the time and money for bees I'd have my own honey. For now I buy local raw :)

The kids and I cut snowflakes and painted Christmas scenes. We made long garlands and put them up in archways. I'm thinking perhaps tomorrow we will string popcorn.




Christmas has always been special to me.
I was born on Christmas eve.
My step-grandmother use to tell me how naughty I was to have been born when she was up to her elbows in pie dough. She always made divinity and many other goodies. She was a crochet-sewing-knitting-machine :)
I was not a bit interested when she wanted to teach me.
As I learned to crochet a chain I was B-O-R-E-D *yawn*
Funny...now I do all of those hobbies with great joy.

The special time was spent more with my grandpa. He was my friend.
He taught me to garden and to cook some things and he always, always had time for me.
Every birthday is was a cherry chip cake for me. My favorite.
I'm allergic to strawberries or it might have been that....pink you know..and little girls.........

When I think about my grandpa I miss him so much. All these memories threaten to carry me away. It saddens me greatly to know that my kids don't have what I had.
We don't have relatives to go be with during holidays. There are no invites, there are no family get togethers. No crafty grandmas are to be found. No grandpas to sit with you in the grass under the apple tree and eat carrots fresh from the earth.
If I could go the market and purchase for my children a loving family I would indeed do so. I would do it right this very minute.

I love this life....but I long for so much more. I know that's wrong of me.
I long to give my kids summers away at a cabin on a lake and winters skiing and holidays full of laughter and hugs....weekends of aunts and uncles and teasing, mischievous cousins who love you half of the time and are mad the rest, lol.
Perhaps I'm selfish in much of these longings.
I'd like a family of my own.
A father, a mother, siblings.
My father is a man who has absolutely no contact with me or my children and never will, thankfully.
My mother struggles with her own demons, having never let me in and probably never will. She lives her life happily in her own little world of friends and a particular lifestyle. She will never know me. She will more than likely never acknowledge what a horrible childhood I had, yet I do know it might have been worse....it might have been much much worse. Not that it matters. I love and respect her for what she has given me.....the greatest gift of all. Life.
I have no siblings. Once upon a time I had a brother and a sister. I don't know where in the world they ended up....if they are alive.
My father lost them when they were small. I shall never know.

I know. Shoulda, woulda, coulda.........it just isn't.

I'm needing Change. I'm feeling trapped and a bit lost. A bit lonely.
I am so very blessed. I know this. Never do I doubt it.

There are moments when waves of happines wash over me and I can't believe how blessed I am. I appreciate every second of my life.
I want to make it a purposeful one.
I say I too much.

My swap pillow arrived. I simply adore it.


She didn't even know I purchased these fabrics to make a quilt.




Sent mine out as well and hope my partners enjoys it.



I'm feeling this overwhelming urge to run through my house tossing everything in sight into a waste bag and giving it a toss right out my door.
My life feels cluttered. When I walk in the door of my home I feel immediate stress.
Yes I do realize that being a mother of five is stressful in itself, but there is no peace here in my home. There is no zen....if you will :)
I look around and see so much unnecessary clutter, junk, stuff.

Do we "need" it? Do we "need" even a little of it? Do we "need" any of it?
I'm ready. I'm ready to donate and recycle.

I was just telling the kids tonight,(as I moved the pile of twenty or so dirty towels to the wash)...do we really need twenty towels....?
Then I washed about a hundred and two socks :( Seriously.
The blankets I understand. They make sense.
Here's how it goes in my house.
Most mornings not a single comb can be found,not a matching pair of socks,not a glove or snow boot. Yet, yet....we have a zillion of all of these things.
Do we have too much? Do I give them too much? Is the reason they are not resposible with "things" because they have too many "things".
I'm very tired and stressed and tired ;) Happy and excited for the holidays....but tired.
When I go to plug in my phone, my charger is missing, to brush my hair, my brush has gone into hiding,to charge my laptop, the cord is nowhere to be found....this is how it goes....daily.

It's to the point where respect is missing as well. Manners are a thing of the past. Kindness is forgotten. I'm the maid/chef/teacher/warden/farm hand/etc...lady that no one pays a bit of attention to unless something is needed.

Most of this I can handle. I'm a mom (SUPERWOMAN)
What I can't handle is the disrepect toward me and what matters to me.
The compost is not for grease and hamburger and melted crayons.
The recycling needs to be separated.
I want paper bags and no just this one time plastic will not do.
No I don't want that brand of dish soap.
Yes I care about organic or not.
Yes you will pick up that gum you just threw on the ground( I have stepped in gum about umpteen times and everytime I get more frustrated)
No I don't want you to watch that program.
No it is not ok to do that and this and that and that other thing.

Dammit. How do I help them all to care. How do I get my point across that this is important to me. There is one thing I really want my family to learn.
I say family because as much as I love my hubby he is no different than the kiddos.
He's a tv vegging, twinkie eating(I guess he hasn't had twinkies in a while, he claims), plastic bag getting, non recycling, sock losing man.

That one thing is conscientiousness.

I'm going to make some big purchases soon.
The whole house thing is still up in the air. I'm considering building. If we can afford it..if...........if.....crossing my fingers and wishing on a star.

I'm going to help myself along in this endevor, even if it is alone.
My list goes something like this...give or take some things

Country Living Grain mill.
Juicer.
Food dehydrator


where is that list??? I will find it.

Aside from the fact that I want to purge purge purge..I do want some"thing".
Dear Santa...I have always had goodwill mismatchy plates and oh how I adore them....but please will you bring me just one Chirp plate.
I promise to take good care of it and keep it safe and hug it and kiss it and tell it bed time stories......




It has been so foggy and cold as of late.


Please pardon any and all PMS that may have come through in this post ;)

Eventually I will learn how to make the photos bigger....for now please click to enlarge :) night night or...... morning....or happy mid-day to you, lol.