Looking Forward to 2010

So many things are on my list of goals for 2010.
It's truly been a rough year and I for one am glad it's behind us.
I've learned much.

The coming year I will welcome with an open mind and forgiving heart.
There are cob structures to be made, hoop houses to be built, walls to be painted, paths to be found, fears to conquer, friends to love, fancy chicken houses to be erected, treehouses to be repaired, pigs to raise, harvests to share,celebrations to enjoy, chickens to tame, doggies to train, children to love and teach, classes to attend, plants to grow, earth to dig, trees to trim, camping to do, friendships to strengthen, oneself to be found and embraced,laughter to be shared, sewing to be done for the family, farmers markets to frequent, and on and on.......

Yes I have high hopes for 2010.
If perhaps I'm able to live just a bit off the grid, then I will have accomplished one important goal :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!

Living and remembering a gypsy life

It's been quiet here, I know.
So much has been happening around me. It's seems as if lately life has been a flurry of activity.
Not good, not necessarily bad.
A birthday came and went.
I've always been an overthinker. I analyze and stress over whatever it may be at the moment. I'm trying to make major life changes.
Therefore.....I've been doing just that....doing.
Rather than thinking and researching, reading and concentrating, I just threw caution to the wind and I've been doing.

We've been spending more quality time as a family.
I'm considering school and I'm making changes within myself.

Here are the things I do know.
I want to farm. Growing things brings me the greatest joy.
Consumer is not what I want to be known as when I die.
Photography makes me happy.
Sewing gives me satisfaction.
My family is the light of my life.

I've been reading the books of Juliette de Bairacli Levy.
She seems to me to be an old friend.

There was once a time in my life when my friends and family would not have recognized me. There was a life I used to know that seems to never have been at all.
I lived on the banks of the columbia river. No house, no electricity, no running water. It was a primitive life. Aside from the time spent with my children, it was the happiest time of my life :)
A blogpost on that life will soon follow. I need to listen to my heart for a bit and remember things exactly as they were.

Tea and Change

Today was an amazing day. It was calm and productive.
I awoke to frost and rushed out to break ice for the animals and make sure everyone was safe.
Sadly I found that my favorite hen had been abducted by raccoons.




Walking into a pen of feathers is indeed sad.
She was missed during head count :(
I gathered up all the hoses and what not from the garden. It was put off day after day.
This is the reason I want to move to town. Less on my own shoulders.
Perhaps when the kids marry and have children of their own, I can live this lifestyle again :)

My son helped me to unwind soakers and lay them to thaw in the sun.
We cozied the bunny up in an empty chicken coop with water and food and lots of bedding. He was truly grinning at me when I left him.

The mint was still standing, only partially covered in frost. I brought a bit in(what I hadn't already harvested) and made mint tea. My son had been craving it and he was such a help this morning.





I sliced most of my ginger and put it in the dehydrator. The house smelled lovely of mint and ginger.



DO you recall I grew my own ginger this summer.
Put a root(or many) in some nice warm soil in a sunny loacation and it will thrive.
You can grow it indoors during the winter.
We always have ginger on hand. I keep it in the freezer and grate it over many a meal...a favorite being chicken and rice with garlic....mmmmmmmm.



I dry it for tea.
Tea is my new hobby. I've loved tea since I was girl. Back then it was Earl Grey and Constant Comment.

I grow my own herbs for tea and stevia for sweetening.



If I had the time and money for bees I'd have my own honey. For now I buy local raw :)

The kids and I cut snowflakes and painted Christmas scenes. We made long garlands and put them up in archways. I'm thinking perhaps tomorrow we will string popcorn.




Christmas has always been special to me.
I was born on Christmas eve.
My step-grandmother use to tell me how naughty I was to have been born when she was up to her elbows in pie dough. She always made divinity and many other goodies. She was a crochet-sewing-knitting-machine :)
I was not a bit interested when she wanted to teach me.
As I learned to crochet a chain I was B-O-R-E-D *yawn*
Funny...now I do all of those hobbies with great joy.

The special time was spent more with my grandpa. He was my friend.
He taught me to garden and to cook some things and he always, always had time for me.
Every birthday is was a cherry chip cake for me. My favorite.
I'm allergic to strawberries or it might have been that....pink you know..and little girls.........

When I think about my grandpa I miss him so much. All these memories threaten to carry me away. It saddens me greatly to know that my kids don't have what I had.
We don't have relatives to go be with during holidays. There are no invites, there are no family get togethers. No crafty grandmas are to be found. No grandpas to sit with you in the grass under the apple tree and eat carrots fresh from the earth.
If I could go the market and purchase for my children a loving family I would indeed do so. I would do it right this very minute.

I love this life....but I long for so much more. I know that's wrong of me.
I long to give my kids summers away at a cabin on a lake and winters skiing and holidays full of laughter and hugs....weekends of aunts and uncles and teasing, mischievous cousins who love you half of the time and are mad the rest, lol.
Perhaps I'm selfish in much of these longings.
I'd like a family of my own.
A father, a mother, siblings.
My father is a man who has absolutely no contact with me or my children and never will, thankfully.
My mother struggles with her own demons, having never let me in and probably never will. She lives her life happily in her own little world of friends and a particular lifestyle. She will never know me. She will more than likely never acknowledge what a horrible childhood I had, yet I do know it might have been worse....it might have been much much worse. Not that it matters. I love and respect her for what she has given me.....the greatest gift of all. Life.
I have no siblings. Once upon a time I had a brother and a sister. I don't know where in the world they ended up....if they are alive.
My father lost them when they were small. I shall never know.

I know. Shoulda, woulda, coulda.........it just isn't.

I'm needing Change. I'm feeling trapped and a bit lost. A bit lonely.
I am so very blessed. I know this. Never do I doubt it.

There are moments when waves of happines wash over me and I can't believe how blessed I am. I appreciate every second of my life.
I want to make it a purposeful one.
I say I too much.

My swap pillow arrived. I simply adore it.


She didn't even know I purchased these fabrics to make a quilt.




Sent mine out as well and hope my partners enjoys it.



I'm feeling this overwhelming urge to run through my house tossing everything in sight into a waste bag and giving it a toss right out my door.
My life feels cluttered. When I walk in the door of my home I feel immediate stress.
Yes I do realize that being a mother of five is stressful in itself, but there is no peace here in my home. There is no zen....if you will :)
I look around and see so much unnecessary clutter, junk, stuff.

Do we "need" it? Do we "need" even a little of it? Do we "need" any of it?
I'm ready. I'm ready to donate and recycle.

I was just telling the kids tonight,(as I moved the pile of twenty or so dirty towels to the wash)...do we really need twenty towels....?
Then I washed about a hundred and two socks :( Seriously.
The blankets I understand. They make sense.
Here's how it goes in my house.
Most mornings not a single comb can be found,not a matching pair of socks,not a glove or snow boot. Yet, yet....we have a zillion of all of these things.
Do we have too much? Do I give them too much? Is the reason they are not resposible with "things" because they have too many "things".
I'm very tired and stressed and tired ;) Happy and excited for the holidays....but tired.
When I go to plug in my phone, my charger is missing, to brush my hair, my brush has gone into hiding,to charge my laptop, the cord is nowhere to be found....this is how it goes....daily.

It's to the point where respect is missing as well. Manners are a thing of the past. Kindness is forgotten. I'm the maid/chef/teacher/warden/farm hand/etc...lady that no one pays a bit of attention to unless something is needed.

Most of this I can handle. I'm a mom (SUPERWOMAN)
What I can't handle is the disrepect toward me and what matters to me.
The compost is not for grease and hamburger and melted crayons.
The recycling needs to be separated.
I want paper bags and no just this one time plastic will not do.
No I don't want that brand of dish soap.
Yes I care about organic or not.
Yes you will pick up that gum you just threw on the ground( I have stepped in gum about umpteen times and everytime I get more frustrated)
No I don't want you to watch that program.
No it is not ok to do that and this and that and that other thing.

Dammit. How do I help them all to care. How do I get my point across that this is important to me. There is one thing I really want my family to learn.
I say family because as much as I love my hubby he is no different than the kiddos.
He's a tv vegging, twinkie eating(I guess he hasn't had twinkies in a while, he claims), plastic bag getting, non recycling, sock losing man.

That one thing is conscientiousness.

I'm going to make some big purchases soon.
The whole house thing is still up in the air. I'm considering building. If we can afford it..if...........if.....crossing my fingers and wishing on a star.

I'm going to help myself along in this endevor, even if it is alone.
My list goes something like this...give or take some things

Country Living Grain mill.
Juicer.
Food dehydrator


where is that list??? I will find it.

Aside from the fact that I want to purge purge purge..I do want some"thing".
Dear Santa...I have always had goodwill mismatchy plates and oh how I adore them....but please will you bring me just one Chirp plate.
I promise to take good care of it and keep it safe and hug it and kiss it and tell it bed time stories......




It has been so foggy and cold as of late.


Please pardon any and all PMS that may have come through in this post ;)

Eventually I will learn how to make the photos bigger....for now please click to enlarge :) night night or...... morning....or happy mid-day to you, lol.

My Symphony

to live content with small means
to seek elegance rather than luxury
and refinement rather than fashion
to be wealthy not rich
to listen to stars and birds
babes and sages with open heart
to study hard
to think quietly
act frankly
talk gently
await occasions, hurry never
in a word to let the spiritual
unbidden and unconscious
grow up through the common
this is my symphony

- william henry channing

To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury, and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable, and wealthy, not, rich; to listen to stars and birds, babes and sages, with open heart; to study hard; to think quietly, act frankly, talk gently, await occasions, hurry never; in a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious, grow up through the common--this is my symphony.

good enough to read twice :)

Following my heart

That is what I'm trying to do. I'm listening to that tiny little voice inside of me and trying to figure out what to do.
I live in the woods. I see trees, trees and more lovely trees.
I'm lonely and feel isolated, yet............yet I love it here.
My organic garden is just big enough that I can get lost in it, we enjoy walks up to the stream through the trees, my children can run free finding salamanders, treasures from the earth and of course there are trees that need to be climbed.
This morning as I was placing my dried herbs into jars I felt overwhelming satisfaction. I make my own teas, grow my own food, enjoy eggs from our chickens, and truly I see the the forest with a childlike wonder, but it's difficult and heartbreaking while at the same time heavenly. I'm torn.
My childhood left much to be desired. I was isolated and left longing for love and companionship. These are the feelings that have resurfaced since we made the move to the country.
There are two beautiful vintage homes we have been looking at in town. Both have charm and personality, porches and wood floors, fire places or hidden rooms, swings and lovely detailing. Oh they are both so wonderful in so many ways.
The drawback? Tiny little yards. Each being less than half an acre, more near a quarter. City water, bleck!! I would miss our water. Oh our water is sent from the heavens indeed so pure and good.
Pesticides drifting over from the neighbors....on no. What a terrible thought.
Noise and nosiness, yet that could be pleasant sounds of happy bustling and friendships.
Maybe my sweet neighbor doesn't use pesticides on those roses...."would I like a bouquest or two? Well of course I would love some...I've been meaning to make some rose petal jam and won't you come over for tea?" blah de blah de blah :)
Oh this is where my bestest cousin bursts into fits of laughter because I might just be having a relapse of childhood and hallucinating to think we are playing with our barbies.....well nanner nanner to you girlie.
Yes I do so want to move to town, but at what cost?
It is possible to have in town what we have here. Most of it anyway.
I won't have the deer to gaze at and talk to, yet they also won't be having their way with my lettuce.



click to enlarge and see the intruders :)





We will have to give away many(most) of our hens. We give away or sell so many eggs anyway that I think a few less chickens is ok with me.
I won't have the woods to walk through....yet they frighten me much of the time anyway....yes I admit it. Being in the woods alone frightens me. I feel uncomforatble in my garden...not at peace as I should.
I love this life. I also know I would love a life in town. In town I can walk everywhere...therefore saving gas and staying healthy.

We could try to buy the place we are in. It is for sale...a bit high in my opinion. But what's the price for 5 acres of land, a stream, wildlife, a large pond...trees...
This is absolutely perfect if we wanted to go the permaculture route(which I would love to do).....learning more, growing, sharing.....it's so perfect, but unless I have another family or two who wants to move here and do this with us I'm leaning toward town.
Indeed I love the idea of being completely self sufficient, but I can't do it alone.
My husband works and has little to no time to help around this "farm".
Our children try to help, but they are small and end up being more work for me.
My two oldest are city kids and at this point I'm not sure if I can mold them into farm kids.....I've been trying for a year.
I would love to hear any advice you might have to offer :)


I'm not certain yet what how this will play out.
I'm a strong believer in the fact that whatever happens will happen because it was meant to be.

Here is what I have been working on, aside from herbs and such that I will be talking about on my next post :)
Sorry I haven't been around much. My hubby purchased a few new toys for me and I've been playing.

What I've been working on

I've been busy, so very much that I've hardly had a moment to think :)
So here I am to catch up if even just a bit.......

I've been so involved in flickr these last several months.
I do go there often and lose myself in the photography, but I have also gotten to "know" some lovely ladies and to tell you the truth...we've become rather good friends.

Here are my latest projects.


Little red riding hood for an embroidery swap











WIP pillow for the pillow swap on flickr :) It's actually nearly finished, but no pics as of yet ;)


Finally taking photographs lately....busy busy busy.
I've been taking advantage of the natural light streaming through the windows this weekend.


Since my hubby began taking my son to work with him two days a week, I feel as if I have a whole new life.
We lost the house we were trying to purchase. Someone beat us to it, but we have a second favorite and will be keeping our fingers crossed.
I have so many projects to finish before Christmas.

Excited about a little knitting group my friend Katie has invited me to join.
Missing the sunshine, yet enjoying hot tea and snuggling up on the couch with my kiddos, project in hand. Time seems to pass more slowly for me in the fall and winter......

Take Care friends...

PS. For anyone who is as passionate about photography or rather editing (photoshop, lightroom, etc...)as I am.....there are links to some really fabulous actions, textures, etc... over to the left <----------
My hubby has purchased portrait professional for my birthday. WOOHOO.
I really love this program for removing chocolate milk moustaches or dirt from the sweet little mugs of my kiddos, as well as making myself and my girlies look all glam with diffeent color eyes, hair and skin....fun fun.

Down and out

The flu has hit us hard. I'm trying to clear it out of the house, but it's a vicious cycle.

I'm ill again. There were a handful of days when I wasn't ill and then I was slammed back down.

The kids are all well. Hubby went back to work today.

I've been making soups and stews. Sadly there was a bit of tragedy in our week.
While out in the garden helping mama pull leeks, my little girlie girl stumbled upon one of the little fawns who we've seen eating from the garden and lounging around in our yard. There is a buck, a doe and two fawns. We are thinking that this little one found it's way into the garden and then died of thirst when it couldn't find the way back out. Poor little thing.

It was a sad day indeed.

This afternoon I saw the doe and the other fawn standing out near the garden. They just looked at me and for once I didn't run for my camera.

Things truly are going well. We will get past this illness and look forward to the holiday season and all the creativity it entails.

As I've been in bed I have been finishing my embroidery swap project. At one point disaster struck in the form of my children and some extra super duper buttery popcorn misplaced upon mama's project. Thank goodness I was able to come up with a new idea.
I will be sending along extras to my partner to make up for the lack of creativity.

I'm sorry to have no pictures for you today.
Wow...I should get an award for zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz........zzzzzzzzzzzz.......zzzzzz

On a good note some BIG things are happening for us.

:)

Here are photos of a couple of things I purchased for myself a year or two ago to make myself feel better. I think I need to do some shopping.
What do I need these days?

Where I find joy

There have been many days over the last four years when I have been unable to find joy on my own...
Don't get me wrong. I love my family witha all of my heart and soul. Yet for 14 long years I have been mama and a mama at that who answers to everyone but herself.
Finally I was able to look inside myself and was thrilled to discover I'm still in there, lol.


The darkest days when I was so ill....those were the days when I finally told myself I needed to look outside of my own life....look for hope, inspiration, a happiness that would perhaps be contagious.


Would you believe I found it rather quickly....so I would like to share with you what or rather whom I found.

She is a lovely lady who has been breathing life into me for years now without the knowledge of doing so.
Often there were days when she inspired me to get out of bed or out of the house...to put on a pretty frock or buy some shiny red shoes....yes I think I've quite fallen in love with her...I want to be just like her when I grow up....oh yes....too late for that isn't it...well either way I adore her so very much.
I would like to point you in her direction...perhaps you need her as I once did...to give you back your joie de vivre :)

Graygoosie

graygoosie on youtube

She reminds me that I am alive now...I am able to bring pretty things into my life and enjoy things I love.....yes there are rough days for us all, but I have learned to treasure the good days, the great days, the absolutely best days ever :)
Yes indeed..those days are what I live for.

I share her love of thrifting and bright loveliness.
This morning I told my hubby, "I look forward to the days when it is just you and I...when the kids have families of their own and we are able to do as we please."
DO you know what he said? "What for? Then you would have only me to tell what to do and yell at"......hahahahahahahaha, lol. Am I such a shrew then? Perhaps I am.
Is that not proof I need more me time? Yes, a new goal of mine. Me time.



I'm still here in bed. Sleep eludes me as I listen to the symphony of coughing coming from the childrens' rooms. We will get better soon. If nothing else it has been a good week of love and togetherness.

Later today I will post some of my favorite links.

genius

The dreaded flu

It's here....three of my five little ones has the flu.
Fun for sure. I will be offline for a bit...trying to be the best mama I'm able to be. I'm fighting something, but no fever and no cough so I'm hoping it's just a cold.

Perhaps all this down time will help me to finish my embroidery project for the hand stitched swap.

I'm sorry to be so boring lately. I'd lke to skip fall, winter and spring and head right back into summer.....and I'm a fall lover....but I digress....I will be sewing several projects soon....all coming along rather slowly :)

I will be thinking of all my blogging friends as I lay here in bed watching becoming jane, pride and prejudice, sense and sensibility, jane eyre,
miss austen regrets...... and whatever more I can manage to find time for :)


ETA....well today I found time for Lost in Austen and Wives and Daughters..... :)

Ready for the weekend

What a week.

I'm exhausted

Here is my week in photos

Snuggling on the couch

This is where I am. Snuggled up with my little guy on the couch under a fluffy blanket of down......wishing I had finished his quilt.

The oral surgery went well. Several hours later and he is almost himself again....save for the pain and a little bit of the evil eye pointed in my direction every now and then :)
As if I'm the bad guy...I was crying like a big baby when they held that mask on his little face. He has bruising from the anestesia mask, he was fighting good.
A bundle of nerves is what I was until they placed him in my arms....then all was well.

Hope everyone is holding tight to someone they love tonight.

Getting to know me

That is precisely what I have been doing as of late.
I'm getting to know myself....my likes, dislikes...little quirks(or big ones)*giggle*
Time to myself with no little children tagging along .....it's so very odd, feels a bit off.
The first day was heavenly. Although first thing in the morning I was bouncing off the walls with excitement...it then led to trepidation and then to the realization that I had absolutely no idea what to do with myself, but toward the end of the day I could breathe and felt confident in the fact that I will have more days alone to do as I please.

I do love my children with all of my heart. Being without them was indeed a new experience and I was uncertain at first, but now I am confident that this time to myself...to live my life and have personal time.... is exactly what this mama needs.

Future days to myself will be filled with.............
adventures with Jane Austen, thrifting, sewing for myself, movies, trips to the library, perhaps a foray into town to visit the little vintage shops....knitting, tall glasses of rice milk decaf caramel mochas ;)
I'm not spending all of this time alone, but rather free from my lovely little ones.
Mama time :)
Who knew that time to think and room to breathe was so very crucial for a healthy life. I thought showering and yelling at children through the door at the same time was the norm. *wink wink*

The next step....finding time for my love. Alone time to be a lovey and smoochee.

I'm working on several projects, and might I say I bit off more than I can probably chew :p
First is the handstitched embroidery swap over at flickr as well as the pillow swap.....a few crochet this and that as christmas gifts...a bit of knitting...a cradle with home sewn mattress and linens...some nightgowns with matching dollie gowns...etc......like I said...more than I should have taken on.

A movie is in our foreseeable future...
The kiddos and hubby are going to see G.I. Joe......(eyeball roll)
Myself I would rather see Bright Star







I do believe I was born in the wrong era. I have felt this since I was a girl.
The dependence on technology worries me, as it grows more so each day and the truth of the damage already done causes me great guilt. I long for a simpler time.....but here I am and here I will remain for the time being.

.... on a high note...I met a new friend...someone more like myself than I would ever have wished for.....she's simply perfect and I adore her already.

Yes, I am finding that I rather like myself.

P.S.
Myself that I am rather liking(but should perhaps be kicking in the derrière) took the liberty of buying for her special birthday girl (15 in one month)
a teeny tiny white freckled trembly teacup chihuahua :)

Weekend goodness

Sewing always calms me.

I whipped up this tee from our favorite Ottobre pattern....pants to follow soon :)


The terracotta fabric is hemp...love, love it so very much...so soft and cozy




I just adore this picture of his little buddha belly :)




Feel good mail always comes at just the right time.













We've been working on cleaning up the garden for fall....the plants are tired and it's time for new ones.
I gathered up veggies of all shapes, sizes and colors and roasted them.
Roasting brings out such sweetness. Just the thing I needed to feel better.

Pumkin, fennel, zucchini, leeks, onions, red pepper, sweet potato, french fingerlings, basil, tomatoes, parsnips, celery.........




Speaking of feeling better. My girlie girl is ill.
She's been fighting a pretty yucky cold....poor thing.
Lucky her, she is using her time wisely and working her way through many of her thrifted books and drinking tea. Perhaps it is just the break she needed.
Now if only I could help her little nose to feel better.

Been snuggling on the couch working on an elongated stitch scarf....I have got to get this knitting thing to feel natural....

Guess what I'm making?

Where did I go, the mama I knew

I just read a post over at greenmamma about "how her life got all shitty"
She is struggling with post partum depression.
Well..... I'm right there with her.
I've tried to keep it to myself and it's just not working.
I've been suffereing since I was pregnant with my little guy.
Do you know how long that is? Four years.
It finally got so bad I sought medical attention.

I truly love where I am. These woods are magical to me....the wildlife, the wind in the treetops, the stream that trickles through out property...the pond.
Oh my garden how I love it...but somedays, somedays I just want to walk into the woods and never look back.

I'm not myself. I'm having trouble sleeping. It doesn't come.
Sometimes my brain won't process. I will sit here and try to think, yet my mind just goes in circles making no sense of anything.
I can start one hundred projects and not finish even one.

The frightening days are the ones when the fear and anxiety take over.....oh yes those are the days when I cry out to anyone who will listen not to leave me here alone with the children.

Why didn't I seek help sooner?
I didn't know what I was suffering with.
I've had some health issues in the past four years.
I imagine that those issues just made this depression worse. Only I didn't realize it. Now that I'm well physically.....I'm not well at all.
When I was pregnant with my son I was suffering some kidney problems...the nephrologist had me scared to death. By the time my son was born things were scary and I was so worried I wouldn't be here to raise him or my other kiddos.
In the end after a difficult birth we were all ok.

As the days passed I knew something was off....I didn't bond with my son...looking into his eyes I felt uncomfortable. I did continue to nurse him until he was over two years old. Due to medical reasons I had to stop cold turkey. That was one of the most emotionally painful things I have ever done.

I have been staying home with my children for ten years.
Ten years with few(none) friends and too much stress.

The children all have issues of their own. Worry seemed to be all I knew.
Cancer,serious allergies, emotional issues, behavior issues, the loss of a daddy, suicide attempts...it was just too overwhelming....these were not things that were supposed to occur in childhood. My kids were suppose to have it easy, waking with a smile and falling asleep at night with the same. They were supposed to remain innocent and perfect.
No one ever told me how it could be.


Now I have a plan, support, and the strength to say that I can't do it alone.
It's slow going and I don't have huge expectations of myself.
For now I'm just trying to get through the next five minutes.


I'm not glad that other mamas are suffering, but I am so thankful to know I am not alone and there are those with success stories to keep me on the road to recovery :)

I'm sorry if my recent struggles have come through in this blog. I never meant it to be an outlet...
It was supposed to be my way of sharing what I love, enjoy , and learn.
I do know however, that this is me and this blog is about me and my life, so for now...I'm just going to write what feels right. I hope there will be more sharing and laughter in the coming months.
Thank you for being there and if you feel that you must move on...I understand.

As for me I'm going to spend the weekend loving on this family of mine.........


ETA...it's saturday morning and I wanted to add something real quick.
I slept last night. Wow...the first time on a while.
I just wanted to clarify that right now my Dr, therapists etc....well right now we are still trying to determine if I'm suffering from PPD or PMDD.
Either way I feel it's pretty much the same, with the exception of when... and I will be taking the same path.....